A
male
age
41-50,
*luesky18
writes:I met my girlfriend online and we've been together for about 3 months. When we first started going into an intimate relationship, sometimes I still hung out with another girl that I met online. I was not attracted to this other girl romantically but thought she could be a friend. The problem is I lied to my girlfriend several times when I hung out with this other girl because I didn't want my girlfriend to worry. I never crossed the line with this other girl. A week ago, somehow my girlfriend found out about my lies and was very upset, she couldn't understand how you can lie to someone you love. She said she couldn't trust me any more and thinks we should break up. I admitted my bad judgement and repeatedly apologized for my mistake and promised it will never happen again. I asked her to give us one more try but she said she feels more comfortable to be my friend.I insisted on seeing her and talk about it. She said she needs more time to get over this and reluctantly agreed to see me in 1 month. She's not from local so I'm flying to see her next month. She made it clear that she wants me to stay in her basement and not with her. Do you think I still have a chance to save the relationship? I don't know whether she agreed to see me to deliver the breakup message more clearly or she still hasn't decided about us. It's been 2 weeks and she's not taking my calls and only communicates occasionally with me through email. I love her so much and everything has been perfect if it were not for the lies. I think she may be particularly sensitive to this because her ex was seeing another girl and lied to her which led to their breakup. I understand she may feel like she cannot believe anything I said to her before anymore. What should I do now? What can I say or do to make her trust me again? Is her behavior (avoiding me, not calling me, etc.) a gradual way to shut me out of her life or she really hasn't decided what to do? Please help. She means everything to me. I believe she loves me too.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (3 April 2007):
 What ever you think you believe does not matter.
Rationalizing your behaviour does not matter.
You hid another relationship from her. As you now know, it's not a good idea to keep secrets from someone you love - especially secrets that undermine trust.
All you have left of your relationship is the potential to understand why you chose to hide another relationship from your ex. Once you understand this then you stand a better chance of not repeating the same mistake in your next relationship. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, tkay1032 +, writes (3 April 2007):
 Wow I just went thru the same thing with my fiance!! Except we have been together for almost a year. Look at my profile you will be able to read it all there. I still have no trust right now but he knows that and knows he has to earn it back. I can tell you I felt as bad as I would have if he actually cheated on me. I still sometimes wonder if he did anything with her. Give her some space. I do hope all works out for the 2 of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Wow Jamitri, spot on! There is nothing more that i can add but to say that you have learned a life's lesson, never ever lie! The truth might be painful and hurtful at the time but a lie can take ages to get over, if ever.
Take care and i wish you well!
xx
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 April 2007):
 This is the price you pay for your behaviour. You lied and now you have to suffer for a while. Let it be a lesson to you. The ball is in in her court and the least you can do is RESPECT what she's told you and stop pushing. Let her know how you feel, ONCE, then wait.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Hi there! Im sorry to hear about how things have worked out so far. Its awful for both of you at the moment.
On the one hand you are suffering because she has effectively LEFT you and seems like she is shutting herself off from you which must be causing you incredible pain. I know this from experience!
On the other hand, she must be feeling that things are going the same way her last relationship has went and she feels that she needs to protect herself from the same pain so she is probably doing exactly what she did to get over her last relationship. Meanwhile, she will be keeping a distance from you and will probably be able to think clearly about what has happened between you.
My opinion!! You should not have lied... It was VERY wrong of you regardless of whether there was something to hide or not. You have not been together long, 3 months is not long at all. I can only imagine that you were trying to prevent her from being jealous by lying to her and youve now found out that it has backfired big time.
IF I WERE YOU, I would write a letter to her. I would write about what you did
how you met the other girl,
what she means to you, i.e nothing more than a friend,
How you made a bad decision to lie or withhold things because you thought it would upset her if she knew you had a female friend
How much you feel about her!!
How sorry you are about the way you went about things
How sorry you are that you have hurt her by not being honest
How you will never withhold or lie again
Reassure her that you understand she has been burnt before and you would not put her through that again
Tell her about how insensitive you must have looked by lying
Tell her that you will always be here for her and that you are willing to give her all the time she needs and that if she wants to let you try again, you will be waiting.
If this is the girl you want, you will have to write a GOOD letter.
She needs to read it and understand that you are trully sorry. She needs to know that this other girl was, at best, a friend that you had before she arrived on the scene.
She needs to know why you lied! It needs to be the right reason. If you lied because you used to or currently fancy your female friend then TELL her that. Be honest.
If you are honest, you will win this girl back. Prove to her that you are a man of your word. Beg for her forgiveness because REMEMBER she has been cheated on before and her toleration level will be low for a good while.
You need to win back her trust as it will have been shattered. Take your time over this letter. Type it on the computer, read it back , make changes, read it over and make sure there is nothing left out. Put all of your cards on the table and let her know you mean business. Above all be honest and open about EVERYTHING and no matter what happens, you can relax in the knowledge that you have gave it your best shot.
IF she does forgive you, you will be a lucky guy and you can start again without this ever happening again.
Good luck. I wish you all the best and I feel your pain - BOTH of your pain.
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