| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can I hate someone who clearly doesn't love me anymore?I made some mistakes which made him break up with me, and now he's been mean and very hurtful, often disregarding my hurt when he says ulgy things or calls me names.It all was because he judged me for my past. He mistreated me and abused me emotionally.I hid some stuff to avoid this, and when I came clean eh left me. He says he loves me and needs time to think about whether he wants to be with me or not.Sometimes he'll contact me, but he'll always end up hurting me by judging me on my past and resenting me for lying, and calling me names or ignoring me, making me cry and yelling at me for hurting, calls me immature for crying but if he hurts me and lowers my self esteem what does he expect? Laughter? He supposedly loves me yet when he makes me cry he doesn't care, rather, he gets angrier if he makes me cry... calls me stupid for crying.He's hurt me so much... how can I hate him? He's done so many hurtful things, yet I still love him and forgive him, and can't get over him. I know he won't get back together with me.I wanna hate him. What hurts the most is that he believes it's acceptable to do this to me. He told hus friends about my mistakes, but not how he's mistreated me, so they support him, so he thinks it's ok.Help, I'm in tears once again, I feel so low about myself, I feel like I'll never love again, and that no one will ever love me anyway...
View related questions:
get back together, immature, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 How can you love someone like that?
Even before you are married to him ,
he has mentally and psychologically abused you.
If there is pain , it is not love.
Love is about happiness and joys.
You will find love again like the eternal spring.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 Were these mistakes part of your relationship with him OR were they before that?
If they did not affect him directly, which is what I am guessing (let me guess, your "past" is that you slept with more men then he is comfortable with) then he is showing himself to be a real asshole.
Fine, some men can't deal with it, to be honest I am not sure I could, if there partner was a slut BUT that only gives him reason to break it off with you not hurt you.
If it was something you did like cheating on him, well, what do you expect? Yeah it can go to far but we make mistakes when we are hurting. Although since he broke up with you he really should control himself, it is over, he should just ignore you and get on with his life and allow you to do the same.
How can you hate him? Why bother? Just ignore him, he made it clear he doesn't want to be with you and is showing himself in a nasty way by continuing to hurt you after breaking up the relation.
Life is to short for hate, pity him that he cannot accept the past and that he needs to lash out like this but mostly move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I think you should back off, and have some counselling because these problems you have will follow you into another relationship until you resolve them.
The man sounds like a bully. He is hurt that you lied and that is natural, but there are other ways of saying so.
He needs to talk to you, not his friends, about the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): He sounds vile. I have been put down like this before my ex. We were together for 4 yrs, hes with someone else now, but he contacts me when he wants- i respond- & hes vile to me. Dont accept his calls, ignore him- its hard- god i know- but you will eventually see him for what he is. You will meet someone worth your time one day & this guy will be nothing to you- just a memory youd rather forget.
Be strong. Let him get on with it. He sounds insecure too
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 Some really good answers so far in here.
At the end of the day, you lied to him, and he cant get his head round that and may never do, which he knows deep down. I was in a similar relationship, although i was one that had been lied to. We did the friends thing for a while, got back together, it didn't work. The past reared its ugly head in every argument, we split, became friends again, stayed friends because i made it clear to him it would never work with anything more, then it went nastily wrong. And now we have no contact and to be honest, cant stand each other.
You are way better forgetting about the mates bit. He will always be angry, even if he doesn't choose to be, and will snipe at you and make little digs. And he wont really want to be doing it either, he is just angry.
Its not good to put him through that, or yourself.
I too ended up getting a dog! And she's adorable! But like the other poster, i had been planning to.
Good luck.
C xxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, growing  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 Even i have gone through all this sometime back,so i can understand what exactly you are feeling..though in my case ,past was not the issue otherwise everything was same.
It hurts when someone so special abuses you and makes you cry and it gets worse when he doesn't even realise what he did.
Time is the most undefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires. ~Charles Caleb Colton
Yesterday you were like any other happy couples and today no more a couple.
Its hard to figure out what went wrong and think of an apt solution to mend that last knot of your relationship and then... you are just left with moist eyes and broken heart.
It seems that he has taken away all the LOVE AND HAPPINESS from your life and you won't get them again but this is just not realistic.This kindaa thinking pattern will be there initially after your brak up but soon you get to know other aspects of life.
“Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”
You were in love with that guy but you kept your past in dark.I believe its your fault.If his changed behaviour is after knowing your past then to some extent that is justified.
Don't you think so??
wear his shoes and then you will surely get an idea that it hurts even more when someone breaks your trust then your heart.
At last,if its all recent then he needs time and you need to develop his trust in you ,which is not easy.
But you said that he won't come back then whats the point in crying??
Personally,i woudn't have problem with your past if i knew that you were loyal to me throughout but definitely that TRUST factor...
Calm down and then try to fix up a meeting with him in which let him know what all you are going through,how much you love him and what made you hide all that and how sorry you are cos of that;cry if you want to,just be yourself.
speak clearly without any fear as in anycase he's gone.
rite??
Then give him some time and if he gives some hint that its all over then you have to absorb this.
It will hurt for sure and i believe that one can stop trusting in a minute but one can't stop loving.
I don't know if you two will be back in future but what i know is if you are not then you are not born to be,and there is someone waiting for you somewhere.
Life is really short and don't waste it in crying rather keep smiling to get best in your life.
Am still looking for a smile on your face!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Lily Moll  +, writes (21 May 2008):
My ex did was also very cruel when he broke up with me, but I kept calling him, and accepting his calls, hoping that once it was all out of his system, he would realize that he still really loved me. He never did-- it only got worse, and still, months later, I'd pursue a friendship with him, and it would dissolve into the same thing. Finally someone told me that I was LETTING him do that to me, just as you are letting him hurt you. You don't have to take his calls, and you certainly shouldn't call him. No, it's not acceptable to do this to you. It's acceptable for him to break up with you, but not to destroy you emotionally. And someone's friends will always support them, so who cares what they think? Don't talk to him, don't accept his calls.
You are a good and worthwhile person; he's being petty and small and wants to manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself so he can feel better, and it's working. He'll keep doing it as long as you let him. He'll never get tired of it. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to begin to let him go, for your own good. You'll be in love again, it's just hard to see it now. Be thankful that this guy is gone. He's showing you what kind of person he really is. Spend some time with your family and friends. Listen to good music, eat good foods, and take care of yourself. Try to express what you're feeling through writing or art, or just talk about it until you feel like you're going over the same terrain again and again, until you're tired of talking about it, and you start looking for something else to fill your mind and heart. You'll be a better, stronger person after going through this. Take care and hang in there.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I have been where you are. I allowed a man to abuse me this way for years. I also had a drinking problem at the time and had very low self-esteeem. I finally sobered up and got myself some help and am now in the process of building up my self-worth by saying NO to him when he calls. It took some time to be able to do this. I now do not even take his calls at all and delete all his hurtful messages without listening to any of them. I am worth much more than the way he was treating me and so are you. I had to get busy doing other things by spending time with real friends that care about me. I also found that by writing down all that he had done to me in the past and posting it nearby where I could read it often helped me to remember how he was treating me. Being alone for awhile is much better than being treated like a worthless dog. I also actually got myself a dog to help keep me busy and to not be so lonely. Taking her out and all the responsibilities that go along with having a dog has helped keep me busy and helps with the lonliness.. I am not saying to get a dog, this is just what I did, but I had been thinking of getting one anyway..Don't get one if you are not ready...this would not be fair to the dog..they are a big responsibility. This abusive man is still trying to get back into my life to abuse me, but the difference is this time I refuse to allow him to have any kind of power over me in this way anymore. In the past I was giving him all my power... I had to take a look at how I was allowing him to keep me down. In time these abusers will eventually move on and find someone else who will allow them to abuse them. I hope this helps. Sharing how I have taken back my power has helped me to be stronger. Thank-You for that. I hope you somehow find peace within yourself and realize you are worth much more than this.
...............................
|
