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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi thereCould really use some advice here.I was seeing a guy for a few weeks after Christmas but it was only casual. He left to work abroad for a few months and i met another guy who happened to be in the same crowd as the first guy (i.e they all socialise around the same place).. Anyway, have been with him now for 4.5 months and i really really love him. About a month ago the first guy returned from abroad. I met him by chance one night and after alot to drink ended up in bed with him. I was very drunk, so was he, he left straight after and i asked him not to say it to anyone. The guilt that i feel is eating me up inside. I have since found out that he told one of his close friends who i am also friends with. I plan on meeting up with him later and discussing it with him. If my boyfriend finds out he will end things for sure. I feel so bad all the time and don't know what to do. I daren't tell my boyfriend as i know he will end things and this is not what i want. I don't know why i did what i did, it was a big fat stupid mistake. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should i ask the friend to keep things quiet. I love my guy alot and have not been this happy in years. I just can't believe what i have done. I can't sleep or anything for thinking about it. Any advice would be welcomed. Thanks, xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): this was no mistake. i believe you will do it again if you know you wont get caught. your only thought is for yourself.first thing is to end with your boyfriend. you can have as many one nighters as you want then,whether drunk or sober.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): You are scared. Fear of being caught and guilt are two different things. If you was as happy as you believe,then none of it would have happened. Show him respect and let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): I just want to second the drinking excuse as being a bad idea and a poor excuse. My wife didn't cheat on me when we were first dating, but she once told me that she slept with a guy who she didn't want to sleep with. I asked her why she did it and she told me, "Because I was drunk." That made it very difficult for me to trust her when she was out with friends and drinking. It took me many years to feel comfortable with her going out drinking with friends. Drunk is not a valid excuse and using it just makes things worse in the future of the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): To be honest,its your boyfriend who needs feeling sorry for,not you. You are so scared he will leave you,but not one thought of how hurt he will be.I hope he comes out ok in this.
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (9 July 2009):
 Jeeze, I guess you should have thought about that guilt before you spread your legs for the other guy. You can't possibly love your guy and cheat on him. YOU CANT FIND LOVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE SEEKING LOVE OUTSIDE OF IT...You only feel guilty becuase you are about to be discovered. If your other guy would not have spilled the beans you would have been more than happy to keep this from your man...you said as much when you pleaded with him not to tell anyone.So how can you say with a straight face you love him...ITS IMPOSSIBLE!See I will say this once again...this is NO MISTAKE!You cheated, and you will do it again, given the opportunity.Mistakes are sudden lane changes, or getting a wrong order at MacDonalds. Cheating is a conscious decision on your part and alcohol is never an excuse.Did you trip over as pebble and fall onto this guy's cock?Please be honest with your man and let him decide whether or not to kick your ass to the curb.Take responsibility for your actions and grow up!
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (9 July 2009):
 I'm one of those guys who think that alcohol is not an excuse for sleeping with someone.
Although you met your original guy 'by chance' one night, you 'ended up' in bed with him after getting drunk. So basically, your co-ordination was poor, you couldn't walk properly, your vision was blurred, your speech was slurred, your reactions were very slow ...... yet somehow despite all these difficulties, you 'ended up' in bed? Then, magically, as he left straight away, you were sober enough to ask him not to tell anyone.
Now, I am not judging your actions. Who am I to judge? We have all been there, and done that. But it does sound like you wanted to have both guys. Otherwise, why the attempt at secrecy? Is what you did making you feel guilt, or is the fact that you have been caught out making you fearful of losing both?
When you 'really, really' love someone, putting yourself in awkward situations like this does not happen. You say the original guy was just a 'casual' thing, so why risk what you had? I'm sure you started the night with good intentions. But when you started feeling tipsy, you had a choice. Leave, or stay and have more to drink. You made your choice, and I'm sure that you knew the possible outcome.
I think that you only have one choice. Tell him, and be honest. I hope he can find forgiveness in his heart, and that you can be true to your character. If you want to have fun with a few guys, go for it, don't be shy. If you want a relationship, settle on one man and ease back on the Guinness.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2009):
 It might help if you told him you stopped drinking, since you obviously cannot control yourself when you do. Just a thought.
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male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (9 July 2009):
 If they are in the same circle of friends, then the gossip will get around to him eventually. If he finds out through the grapevine that you had sex with this guy, then he is going to feel like a cuckold and a fool. Not only will he see you as a cheater, he'll think you are deceitful since you tried to cover it up.
I think your best bet is to come out and tell him what happened. That way, when the rumors start flying, at least your boyfriend can say that he already knows about it.
I wouldn't rely to heavily on the "I did it because I was drunk" excuse. It may make you feel better about cheating on your boyfriend, but it won't help him feel any better about the situation.
Just say you cheated on him, you feel horrible about it, and promise that it will never happen again. That's pretty much all you can do at this point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): I agree with q1605. Your boyfriend will eventually find out about this. I think that your only choice is to tell him about it before he hears it from someone else. It is possible that he has already heard something about it and is just waiting to see if you confess on your own. Probably not too likely, but possible. If he does find out then not only will he be troubled by your cheating but also by your lying by omission. I think you have to tell him as gently as possible, apologize and hope for the best.
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female
reader, Starlights +, writes (9 July 2009):
 this guilt u feel will eventually eat u up inside and there is a risk of your bf finding out from someone who may blab to him later.
i think u shud tell ur bf simply becoz there is always a risk someone else may, and u will always have that guilt following u as your shadow.
if your honest to him and explain it was a drunken fling u have done the right thing.
however u must decide for yourself what is important.
trust and honesty is the basis of a good relationship.
good luck
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female
reader, vix100 +, writes (9 July 2009):
 Everyone, no matter who they are, has made a mistake in life that they feel totally ashamed of. It's whether you learn by it that matters. Guilt is an awful feeling. Yes, of course what you did was wrong and I'm not entirely sure why it happened if you are so happy with your boyfriend, no matter how drunk you were. However, if you really feel it was just a huge mistake, chat with the friend, explain what happened, and go from there. Guilt is hard to live with - it does ease with time - the guilt that you know you've hurt someone you love (whether they know about it or not). Of course cheating is wrong, but you're only human - we all make mistakes, even with those we love the most. x
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