A
female
age
41-50,
*ngie1
writes:I had been dating this guy for a little over a year and we got along great.We rarely argued and we loved each other very much,however, he warned me that he wasn't sure if he would ever want children.I have always wanted children,so we broke up, but I am not sure if I made the right choice or if I should just be patient and give him more time to think about it?
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female
reader, Angie1 +, writes (4 April 2007):
Angie1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy bf and I have reunited and he said he gave the situation much thought while we were broken up and he said he had just never given this serious thought ever before in his life, but he said I made him think about the future in a way he never had before and after thinking longterm thoughts he realized that he wanted me in his life and that he is even slowly but surely opening up to the possibility of having a family one day.Thank you again to those who responded.Your insightful replies were much appreciated.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): I am in kinda the same situation. I have been with my partner a year and half now. he has 2 kids from previous relationship and they live with their mum and we have them every other weekend. We get on so well, never argue, very loving and have always talked about having a baby in the future. But last week he sat down and told me he didn't want any more kids, and that he knew how important it was for me, so was giving me the opportunity to go and get my dream and leave him. He is 29 and I am 34 and my clock is ticking. I don't know what to do, I love him very much and can't imagine my life without him. He says he could change his mind in a few years but he said I needed to know he probably wouldn't. I am so torn, and feel so let down, and just don't know what to do. HELP!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): I've done more thinking about your dilemma, hun and I had to come back and re-post some added comments. As I said before, I think this issue is worthy of one last big talk, hun but make it a last ditch effort. I am sensing he is a good guy. But you need to ask him to tell you his honest, blunt, truthful feelings on whether he wants children or not. Find out 'why'. If he's around your age, then he should be displaying the maturity and respoect to realize that answers to questions like this is not "I don't know or uhmm..I'm not sure" I have a feeling though, he may not have been as upfront with you as you needed him to be. Two things are happening here, either he is using his "I'm not sure' as a smokescreen, which really meant "No, I don't want this' or he's scared at the prospects of becoming a Father, at this point in his life. Which could mean he needs to develop and mature more. And therein could be a problem, too. Do you wait for 5-10 years until he's ready or just cut him loose? There is no easy answer here. All I have to say is...right now you and him are on different planets as far as the kid issue goes...and this is huge! You of course, have every right to want children in your future. When it comes to have kids, there is no room for compromise on this one. You both have to want that so I understand your decision to send him packing. I can’t give you the words to make him come around to your point of view and really, do you want to force a man to become a Father who doesn't want to be? No, that will just create anger and resentment down the road. Children need to come into this world when they are wanted by both Mom and Dad, and both parents loves each other, endlessly. They should come from joy, happiness and a solid, good unity. When they come into the world and one partner feels resentment, conflict-- it is a sad, grave injustice to everyone. So...you need a straightforward answer, so you know what path to take. You see, I would hate to see you do a disservice and marry a guy or ends up saying two weeks after the wedding "I've changed my mind..I do not want children, after all". Put it ALL on the table, dear and set a boundary of truthfulness with him...have him tell you his open, truthful feelings. Accept nothing less. You need to be totally honest with your bf and he has to give you that same respect. Give him this one last opportunity to tell you a YES or a NO and then make a clear, mature decision, based on that.
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female
reader, Angie1 +, writes (30 March 2007):
Angie1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to those of you who replied to my question.I have not decided what I'm going to do yet and my ex and I have not spoken in about a week now so I will decide soon and keep you posted
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007): I do think you should give him more time to think, and I'll tell you why. You say you both had a great, healthy relationship..one most of would want. A good healthy relationship is how wonderful you two are together, how well you communicate, the love, the communication and how well you both compromised. You have a solid base, here.
Now, you stated 'he wasn't sure' if he wanted children.. You have to be careful here, because there is many a man who will say 'they aren't sure' but ended up being the most incredible awesome Fathers. He's waffling for a reason. There could be a number of reasons. Eg: career goals/finances, his age (if he's older), his childhood history (divorce and a dysfunctional family). You don't say much about why he's not sure. Having children is an extremely important issue and both people need to feel good and ready for the responsibility. This is important for both of you and for the well being of the future children, brought into the union. I really think you need to communicate to him from your heart and express, what having children means to you and that you want to share that joy with him. This could be well be negotiated if his position on 'no kids' is not held too strongly and it sounds like it here. People can and do change their minds as they grow, develop and their worldview matures. If his position was "strong and stubborn' and he wanted no kids, then this could prove to be a relationship breaker for you both. But you are saying 'he's not sure'. Give this another whirl.I'd just hate to see you toss away a great guy who is simply uncertain. Hun, your biological clock is still ticking softly...you have time. Talk with your partner at length about this. Get to the heart and core and of his true, honest feelings. This will take talking, talking and more talking. Both of you think long and well about your positions before you make any decision.
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male
reader, thor  +, writes (29 March 2007):
 you have to talk to him about it, ask him why he doesnt want kids. just dont take the answer i dont want kids because there is more. some people that dont want kids just want you for sex if they cant give you a real reason. maybe he has a sister at home that has kids and they stress him out and has put him off. give him time or move on. there are nice guys out there that would love a child. your still young so dont rush in
take care
thor
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female
reader, perkypanda +, writes (29 March 2007):
It depends on his age. If he's a grown man and still isnt sure it would be a big risk to further things. Some young guys aren't sure but will probably make a decision in a couple of years. If children is a something you need and the guy isnt sure, its a sign of different values/wants.
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