A
male
age
36-40,
*everGoodEnough
writes:Basically Iv been dating a girl on and off for about 4 months now, and she's spoken to me like dirt for pretty much the whole time, except for the first 2 weeks when I met her. I really want to end it, and I have 9 times now, but everytime I do she always manages to talk her way around me and convince me to take her back with the promise that "things will change" - they never do, maybe for the first couple of days she will be the perfect girlfriend until we are back into the rut I call our "relationship" but then she goes back to her old ways.She will lay on her bed watching tv and ask me to cook her food, make her drinks, take her rubbish out, run her a bath, knock on a neighbour's door and get something she lent her back, despite everything I do is wrong because: "you used the wrong cup/wrong juice/wrong ice cubes/wrong plates" etc but if I even ask her to pass me the ketchup she will tell me to "get it yourself you lazy bastard".She insists I stay at her place (even though we live in apartments in the same building) and will psyically get in my way and refuse to let me leave her place. She will most nights say to me "Im just gonna go knock at ___'s, back in a minute" then leave me sitting on my own for anything up to 2 hours while she drinks and parties with her friends, despite telling me I cant go out because she wants to have "an early night".She makes fun of me infront of my friends, her friends, her family, strangers, behind my back and infront of my face, then tells me "not to take it to heart" when I get upset by it.She has taken everything she wanted from my place ie swapped my genuine phonecase with her fake one because "I would if I loved her", my keyrings, my jewellery even though she has lost or broken most of it.She's gone behind my back and sent explicit texts to neighbours, ex-partners, old flames etc yet made me delete every girls name from my phone even thought Iv never gone behind her back or given her any reason to think I would. she even changed her ex-boyfriend's name to a girls name in her phonebook to try and stop me finding out and always keeps her message inbox full so she has to delete a message before a new one will come through.She picks up my phone any time she likes and reads through my messages yet has a password on her phone to hide hers, she did once get drunk and tell me the password because "she doesnt keep secrets" but changed the password the next day once she sobered up.Shes got drunk and hit me, 6 times now, once in the jaw so hard I couldnt eat properly for about 3 weeks, she once locked us in my place and kept pinching the back of my arms and pushing me until I got so angry I broke my knuckles punching my door, and had bruises all over the back of my arms for about 2 weeks afterwards.She "mysteriously" picked up an STD despite the fact that neither me or her ex before me had it, yet told my new girlfriend (who strangely went out to the shops with her friend then never spoke to me again) that I had it and told her new boyfriend that she had a "water infection".I could go on all day, but for some reason I love the girl and cant stand being apart from her, she sends me about 100 text messages a day and its like the girl I text and the girl I spend my time with are 2 diffrent people. Sometimes at night when its just me and her she will be really sweet with me, talk in a baby voice and hug me until she falls asleep, she's introduced me to her family and always takes me to see them even though she has never done that with any of her previous boyfriends, I just dont know what to do, even her own friends say I could do so much better and should have nothing to do with her, well they did, until they saw me try and stand up to her by raising my voice a few times and she then managed to convince them Im like it all the time behind closed doors.What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Locarios  +, writes (15 September 2008):
I had a similar situation once. It lasted a bit longer. The sweet times are incredible, and the bad are the worst you will ever have (sound about right?). On again, off again, on again... so on. Insults, STDS, are bad enough. Once they start physically attacking (after the emotional attacks), it can never get any better, and will almosy definitely get worse. Walk away. Do not even look back. Answer no text, no calls. Ignore letters, messages from friends, rocks through the window. Do not have a drunken night and call her. Do not give in. Eventually she will leave you alone. It may take a while (I still get an occasional letter - 6 years later). There is someone better. And what you are dealing with now is not even worth the sweet times - which will end.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Bubbloo and hlskitten are right; you need to end it, and you're going to have to reach down deep inside yourself and find the strength to do it and stick to it. This girl is poison.Read this article:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.htmland then tell us if you think this girl is that loser.She reads to me as though she is.Frankly, I think you may need to move away from the apartment building, change your phone number and tell her that it's over. Don't bother trying to be friends with her, she's only going to dump on you again and again. I'd gather my friends around me, tell them what I'm planning to do, and get them to support me in this break up. I would also consider seeing a counselor, just to work on my self-confidence and figure out why I found this kind of treatment tolerable.Don't try to stay friends with her, tell her it's over, that you're moving on, and DO NOT get into a negotiation with her. Then stick to it. You can do it, you came here for a kick in the backside to help you do it, so here it is. She's a nightmare, and you need to wake up and put her behind you.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Bubbloo is right. The alarming thing is, on the outside we can see how bizarre this situation is. But you wont. Lots of us have been there where we are getting these alarm bells ringing, almost telling us quietly that this 'possibly' isn't right. But i can honestly say, its not til you actually come out of it that you realise, it was VERY wrong!
I look back to an ex that was a manipulator, and cant believe now that i actually let him talk me round all the time when i tried getting out! A good yr and a half wasted on a pillok that is still bungling through life using and abusing people. As a soft bint i still feel for the guy, he is now dating a youngster that is a psycho when drunk but vulnerable enough to think he is the bees knees. BUT I am glad i'm out of it, and wouldn't even acknowledge the guy if i walked past him. And i am someone that is still friends with 3 of my exes dating back to 1986. But the manipulator? No chance!
Like a smoker has to go cold turkey, you need to aswell! I know its a big ask, but trust what people have, and will tell you on here, and stay away from her. And i guarantee you, in time, you will see what we are talking about.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Right, read through your message again.
What would you tell someone else if this was their question?
You'd tell them to get outta there, and get outta there fast, wouldn't you?
I understand that you don't want to break up with her again, but as hlskitten said, you need more backbone and just need the confidence to say that enough is enough. I mean... 9 times of breaking up and gettin back together? How many more times will it take you to realise that she's really not worth it? You need to drop her like a hot potato and move on because you and I both know that this relationship just can't work without you being exceedingly miserable.
While you're with this girl, you're missing the opportunity to be with someone who makes you happy and respects you.
I mean.. I doubt that when you think about the girl of your dreams who you want to spend the rest of your life with, she:
-cheats on you
-mysteriously gets an STI
-Doesn't let you go out with your friends
-Refuses to let you leave
-abuses you verbally and physically
-Uses you so that you can do her chores and do what she wants and uses LOVE to make you do it - " If you loved me you would"
This relationship just isn't worth pursuing. She's had her chances and she's not changed for you.. why should you put yourself out for someone who treats you like dirt?
Never settle for second best or lower. You need more self esteem and to realise that you're worth much much more than this.
Look in the mirror and say to yourself " I will not allow myself to continue being treated this way. I deserve much better than this."
Again, as hlskitten said - Get the hell out of there, mate.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (10 September 2008):
You stop going back to someone because you are scared to be on your own thats what. Have some more pride! And more backbone!
You say you had a new girlfriend. How do you get a new girlfriend that quick? This isn't mature 'love', its immature 'love'.
Remember the quote, immature love says 'i love you because i need you''mature love says i need you because i love you'
You're putting up with a bozo because you have insecurities about being single. Thats tragic because you're so young and have the potential to meet someone decent, but will miss the boat there all the while you are hooked up with a narcassist that manipulates you back when you try to flee, and convinces people you are the insane one, simply because she can! Classic abuser signs.
Run as fast as you can is all i would say. Trust your instincts now!
C xxxxx
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