A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been married for 09 years. Living in a conservative society, but independent. Sex doesn't feel great anymore. Used to be crazy like rabbits first year into marriage, but faded with time to the extent now i'm thinking about an extramarital affair just to fulfill my sexual frustrations. We still do it once in a while. But i watch porn and masturbate more. I love her dearly. She is my wife. I only want to share my life with her. But sexual frustrations overpowers me. Tried a couple of quick ones with call girls, but failed because i don't get erect as i don't feel any emotional attachment to them. So it seems that i need to see some emotional closeness to the person for me to perform the act which makes it more complicated. Right now i'm very frustrated. I'm not a hypocrite. I do love my wife. I just don;t feel sexually compatible with her and i am burning inside. I categorically would like to mention, i do not want to leave her for anybody. It is the sexual frustration that's of bother and a quick one just won't do for me ;-(
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affair, porn, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): "Going to a call girl was a forced choice. Not what i wanted. But my situation forced me there. "No, your situation did not force you there, as you had other alternatives. You could have left your wife and looked for a willing new partner as a single man. You CHOSE this, don't try to deflect blame onto your wife. she may be partly responsible for your being sexually frustrated (although, are you part of the reason she doesn't want to be intimate with you??) but she is not responsible for your choice on what to do as a result of your frustration. You could have done any other number of things but you chose this. Like another Aunt said, people die from lack of food and water, but no one dies from lack of sex, so it is not this life-or-death situation that you are painting it to be and trying to blame your wife for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): What solution are you hoping for here? If you are looking for 'permission' to sleep with other people behind your wife's back you will not find that here. As the previous poster said, you can either work at your marriage and try to get the spark/sexual attraction back with her, or you can leave her and have as much sex as you like with others. It depends entirely on what is more important to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 The fact that you could NOT perform does NOT take away from your ATTEMPTS and your intent.
You still made the choice to go after call girls and disregard marital vows and promises.
YOUR choice.
the solution is for you to OWN your choice and decide if you want to save your marriage or end it. once you decide that, we can proceed with more help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI clearly mentioned i could not perform with call girls. So, the question of STD's is out of the equation. Besides, i'm here to find some solutions, not to be judged for god sake!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): If you are bored and are no longer attracted to your wife you have 2 choices - try to fix it or leave. That is it. Having sex with someone else on the side will not work, all it will do is devastate your wife and children and most likely leave you with nothing. If you start an affair what will happen when your wife finds out (and she will)? Do you think she'll be happy to let you carry on when you explain that it was her fault because you got bored of her?! I don't think so. Also what happens if either you or the mistress becomes emotionally attached? What if she tells your wife?I'm afraid it's time for you to grow up and realise you can't have everything you want whenever you want it. You either keep your wife and family how it is and work on bringing the spark back, or you leave her to have sex with others and at the same time find someone who loves and desires her the way she deserves. You can't have both.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2013):
I am sorry OP but you are incorrect in your assumption that your CHOICE to visit a call girl (or multiple “girls”) was FORCED unless someone held a gun to your head and said “DO THIS OR I WILL KILL YOU”… if no one forced you, then it was YOUR CHOICE. If you did not want it you would not have done it. Any excuse other than “my life was in danger of ending” or ‘my wife and children would have been killed had I not done this” was NOT forced.
Tisha is 100% correct until YOU own and accept your RESPONSIBILITY in this mess, it cannot be fixed.
I have family. I work full time. I run a home. YOU feel THE NEED to have sex with other women. It’s NOT a need. IT’s a CHOICE. People do NOT die without sex. They die without food, sleep or hydration. Everything else you can cope with by CHOICE. YOU choose to cheat on your wife. YOU choose to make this situation what it is.
If you are BORED, that’s on YOU. YOU married her and promised fidelity and truthfulness where you have given her NONE. What if she felt the same way.. that she had to have other men and lie to you about it? HOW would you feel?
Perhaps you should consider telling her the truth and letting her decide if she wants to forgive you and try to make it work or would rather cut you free so you can fornicate with multiple women without guilt.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
 You mention porn. Read this site: http://yourbrainonporn.com It may explain a lot.
Also, you don't seem to want to take responsibility for your own actions. "A forced choice." "Not what I wanted." "My situation forced me there." All words designed to shift the responsibility for your choices from you. Sorry, but you chose to do those things, no one was holding a gun to your head.
So if you don't want to do something like that, why did you do it? You took a lot of steps to get to call girls. At any point in all those actions, you could have said to yourself, "nope, not what I want. So I stop here." But you didn't. You chose to keep on going.
Own it. It's not your wife making these choices. It's you.
I think if you read that website, make the choice to stop porn for 6 months, you may find that your sex drive realigns to a marriage-saving mode, rather than the self-destructing course on which you have embarked.
But first, you have to own it. "It's not my fault, my inner sex fiend made me do it!" Pshaw. You put a lot of energy into getting with call girls. Take some of that energy and put it to a healthier use. And for heaven's sake, get tested for STDs so you don't pass anything on to your wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGoing to a call girl was a forced choice. Not what i wanted. But my situation forced me there. Yes, we have kids. Work & house chores, kids taken a toll on us. We are having good times. We are having arguments, fights too. We lack exercise & physically & mentally worn out. I know, that's one reason. But, her desires are not as lost as mine is. I feel guilty. Because i feel the need to fornicate with other women, watch porn & masturbate twice or thrice a day. So i feel it's not about my drive. Frankly my wife isn't bad looking at all. I fancy many women who aren't as remotely as beautiful as she is. That's why i feel it's not about the sex drive. It's about having the same thing over & over again. Can that be my problem..frankly??
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 June 2013):
Welcome to the club. I think most guys would choose to be rabbits till the day they died if it was an option. Life and kids bring you to your situation and its not until you're there that you realise the hole you are in. If you don't fix it your marriage will fail. You can't find a part time sex substitute for your wife, it doesn't work. You will get to the point that you will have to choose one woman or the other, or your wife discovers and kicks you out, then your lover doesn't want you 100% and you find yourself in a much worse place than you are now.Find an opportunity to get close and relax and work out how to reignite what you know is inside both of you. Part of it is getting healthy , eating the right food and exercise, and maybe some sex toys, and maybe you concentrating just a bit more on her orgasm? I have made it my rule that either we both cum, or we both wait till later. More team work, and it really helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2013):
Take some of that burning desire and apply it to improving your sex life with your wife. You sound lazy, frankly, you go to call girls because you don't want to do the hard work of creating sexual intimacy with your wife.
There are couples' retreats that specialize in enhancing the sex lives of people who have grown distant sexually. So take some of your burning energy, investigate the ones that will work for you and take you and your wife away on a retreat. I'm sure if you have young children, she would appreciate the chance to get away and reconnect with you.
If you can afford call girls, you can afford to do the getaway. Make arrangement for your childrens' care (if you have children) and off you go.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Today another male 36-40 with an Albanian flag posted, he was having problems with interfering in laws. Is that you ?
If yes, I have to answer, yeah sure, go ahead , God forbid that you have to feel sexually frustrated and not have the same sex life of when your wife was 10 years younger and did not have any kids. But, then, it would be only fair that you asked your MISTRESS's father to babysit for you and to go ask HER father for money to give you.
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A
female
reader, Makayla5893  +, writes (3 June 2013):
Having an affair is never an answer, neither is using call girls. How would you feel if your wife cheated on you? You married this woman, she is your partner for life and deserves more respect from you. There are plenty of ways to reconnect with someone sexually, and you haven't mentioned trying different approaches. You could start by buying her sexy lingerie so she feels desirable. Go to a sex shop and pick out some toys you would like to use together, or watch porn together. Plan a romantic weekend away, or join her for a candle lit bubble bath. You could also see a relationship counsellor to work through any issues that may be causing the lack of sex. And finally, COMMUNICATE with her! You owe it to your marriage to keep sex between only yourself and your wife
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2013):
Have you talked to your wife about this? IF not that's your first step.
are there small children in the home? that can wear a woman out if she's running a home and caring for the kids.
Recently my husband and I have been going through "a dry spell" and I found it unbearable. I will NOT cheat (and btw to me going to call girls even attempting to have sex is cheating and lying) and I went to him and said "either we fix this or I have to take a lover with your permission"
SHOOK HIM UP ENOUGH to realize we had a problem... we talked and we are working on it....
talking to strangers will do NOTHING to fix this... you must talk to your wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): You need t give more details. Why you don't have this much sex anymore, she doesn't want it? Did you have children? There are lots of fact why women slow down in this area, and many times it's tiredness, taking care of children. Looking for someone on a side is not going to help a situation only make it worse.
Especially since you need to feel something toward another person. You might start feeling so strong that your marriage will go down the hill.
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