A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are college students at different universities and have been dating for about two years. We decided to get an apartment for the summer together, which is kind of far from friends and family due to our summer jobs. We found that adjusting to living together was quite easy, and enjoy eachother's company, and sometimes hang out with friends from our jobs together on weekends. Recently, during our weekend friend hang outs, we have both been drinking too much, leading to rather large fights, where we say things we don't mean to each other. This past weekend, after our friends left, my boyfriend broke up with me during one of our drunken arguments, which led me to start packing my belongings and saying hurtful things in return. To make matters even worse, he called his dad repeatedly in the middle of the night while everything was going down and told him everything in detail. I went to sleep and woke up to find him asleep on the couch with an open porn site on his laptop and a highly drunken and suggestive Facebook conversation still up. I do not typically snoop through his stuff, but it was just right there for me to see. This is not his typical behavior at all, and we had a long talk about it and resolved it, and I do not believe he is actually cheating on me.Since then, we have talked and decided to get rid of all the alcohol and stop drinking altogether. However, his parents are pleading with him to drop me for good, citing me, not the alcohol, as the problem to be taken care of. Even though this has been our first argument of this magnitude and we are typically happy together, his parents are scared for his well-being after they were shocked to be first hand phone-witnesses. They even threatened to call my parents to convince me to move out of our apartment and go back home. What is difficult is that they only know of my drunken antics, not about his Facebook disloyalty, etc. I feel like they are only getting his half of the story. His mother is particularly angry that I called him ugly I one instance I did not want to look him in the eyes upon his angry demand. Of course I didn't mean that.I can't undo what has already been done, but how can I make this situation any better? I feel embarrassed to even try to talk to his family about it, and will not see them in person until the fall. I feel like I can't tell my side of things to anyone without making my boyfriend angry or feel like I'm "telling on him". How can I make them see we were both stupid and irresponsible, and that I am actually not a bad person? What can I do?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Truthfully? I have a take on this you might not like, but I think it's essential to point these out. You can't blame all of this on alcohol and think that just removing it will solve all problems here.
The point of dating is to get to know each other. The fight revealed some serious red flags about this guy. Let me explain:
1. His porn and Facebook texting. They were left up to intentionally hurt you. For technicality's sake, the porn and texting wasn't cheating because he broke up with you, but it's even more slimy and disgusting for him to use another woman to get off sexually through the computer in a display of exhibitionism to get at you. That's someone he knows. That is his response to breaking up? Right then and there? Gross. I would break up with a guy who did that to me.
2. His running to Mommy and Daddy. That kills your future together to go blabbing fights to family members. That's reserved for extreme emotional abuse (controlling behaviors) and physical abuse/domestic violence and you're intending to break up. By involving them, he destroyed your future, because you need a good family support, and undermining his partner to your parents will cause them to hate you. Can't take back the words no matter how much he or you try to smooth over. Again, extreme immaturity along with the revenge cheating. He broke up with you, which is a Nuclear Event, and planned to burn his bridges with everything going on.
3. The fights themselves. Getting drunk and calling each other names is a sign of underlying and very real tension. Think of how easy it was for him to run to another woman, and to destroy your relationship with his family.
In truth, I think the breakup should stay a Nuclear Event, because you two have real issues. Smoothing it over doesn't repair the bridges he destroyed. However, if you both are determined to make it work, he needs to seriously repair things with his family in regards to you. He needs to tell on HIMSELF, explain the drunkenness and his impulsiveness.
Other than that, he didn't think about making you angry! If his parents give you grief, tell them exactly like it is without a moment's hesitation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): What 'drunken antics' were so terrible that you convinced his parents that you were bad for their son?
Your 'drunken antics' came before the porn and the open suggestive conversation on facebook. Telling them that their son looked at porn and suggestively messaged another person is going to show them that they are correct and you should not be in a relationship with their son.
Have you tried sending them flowers or a fruit basket for the inconvience or a card apologizing for your behavior (and only your behavior)?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): OP it's his family, it's up to him to tell them all this, not you.
If the situation was reversed and it was your family who hated him, you'd talk all of them down wouldn't you and explain the situation to them. Well why hasn't he smoothed things over then? That's not your job. If they still hate you it's because he hasn't fixed the situation with them.
You need to tell him to sort it out, it's as simple as that. He's the one who needs to step up and sort out the mess that he alone created with his family and you.
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