A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy online about a month ago. We've talked and texted on and off during this time. We finally went out for lunch today and went for a walk in the park. We talked and got to know each other and everything seemed to be great. I am really attracted to him. But I don't know what to do now. Here are my main concerns:This is my first emotional relationship with a guy.I'm 22 and he's 26. I've never kissed a guy before. I obviously want to continue to see him, but I don't know how to go from here. Should I ask to hang out, or go on a formal date? Should I just go in for the first kiss, should I tell him i've never kissed a guy, should I tell him this is my first relationship with a guy?He knows I'm bi, so he may already assume that I'm new to this whole thing, but how upfront should I be about everything?I basically don't want him to know how terrified I am of all of this, because I'm just as much excited to be finally doing this. Any advice or motivational speak would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): OP here. I just wanted to say that I went over to his place for dinner tonight and it was another good experience. We talked about movies, a little of each other's past, both good and bad, and had a delightful discussion about aliens and evolution. We played with his dog for a majority of the time (not a euphemism) and just had a really nice time together. I felt the urge to get closer to him (touchy), but shied away. I was still afraid of coming off as too awkward. But that's normal for me. He told me he had a great time tonight and hearing that made me feel great. We were able to enjoy each other without forcing any contact that obviously neither of us were willing to initiate. I read your message after already going to his place, but you seem to reinforce what we did. We are planning to hang out a lot and just see where it takes us. We have a lot to learn about each other still so there's no reason for me to be so nervous. I was getting hung up on all of the wrong things.Thanks for the reinforcement and I can't wait to continue my journey.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): First and foremost, stop using the label "bisexual." It may be part of who you are; but that isn't relevant to your situation at the present. When having an emotional or sexual relationship with a man, you are now being gay."Bisexuality" is more relevant when you're involved with a woman. They need to know this propensity; because they have to fit their heads around you being sexually involved with another man. They know how to compete with another woman, while they are emotionally and biologically different from a man. Gay men are more tolerant of the situation in reverse. Straight women don't believe in bisexuality, you're gay no matter what you call it.Gay men debate the existence of 'bisexuality;' so leave it on the table for future discussion, while dating a "man." I personally find it an intriguing ingredient in his overall sexual outlook; but it's existence is neither here nor there. If he enjoys sex which includes another penis; the behavior is gay. No if, no and's, and it will most certainly include butt's!However; if it wasn't mentioned, I would never ask. Truth be told; 99.9% of the time, gay men ignore it when you put it in your profile for the sake of ambiguity. Why? Because it is often false. It is usually a self-deception that some guys feel will add some sort of special appeal. Like the term "straight-acting." As if "acting" is a desirable trait;when seeking a "real" relationship at the same time.Behavior and personality traits are confirmed upon "personal interactions." The key-word being "actions." Which speak louder than profiles.So you'll make your prospective suitor happier if you just confirm to him how much you like "men." He can meet that qualification without hesitation or trepidation.Your attraction to women, is acceptable without mention.It's what you desire "now" that really matters.At the moment, while you are with a man, your "feelings" are gay. If you over-emphasize categories of the labels "gay" vs "bi", you will scare him away. He has to feel you are comfortable in your own skin and not battling with inner-conflict. That can be a deal-breaker, in the gay-world. He's not here to help you to decide. That's left to personal choice. keep that in mind at all times when you're "dating other men." Let society deal with categories, labels, and distinctions. That includes straight women. They'll pretend they're cool with it; until they're out drinking with their girlfriends. Then the truth comes out.Then the exclamation of "eeeeewwwwww" in unison properly describes their true sentiments on that subject. I suggested this to a close friend of mine, and he felt if he didn't make his "bisexuality" a matter of fact, his gay partner wouldn't respect it. Instead, his gay partner dropped him; because the poor guy felt my friend was suggesting he could make a "switch" without notice; or warning him that he couldn't meet all his needs. He also felt my friend was placing himself in some superior position categorically; placing being gay in the more inferior position. He called and told me how he felt about it. I chose to make no comment.My friend was devastated; because he had fallen in love. I choked on my justified option to say: "I told you so!" Because he's my good friend, and his feelings mean a lot to me. It doesn't matter to me whether he prefers: (+/-,/, or =) Vagina or Penis. It only matters to the person he has committed his love to and with whom he's having sex. So now he only informs women he's bisexual; so they won't form emotional attachment, unless they can deal with it. He stopped telling gay men; because it usually goes in one ear and out the other. Other bisexual men take his word for it; and seem unimpressed.He doesn't need to know how new you are at anything gay. Over-stressing how "new" you are, will not allow him to take you seriously. He will think you're only experimenting and using him to satisfy a curiosity. That wouldn't be fair.If you're a little awkward, he will show you the way. Go with the flow. Be confident and open-minded. Trust your instincts. You know what boys like. I hope others reading this post are taking notes.Emotionally, I advise you to proceed with caution. See him in person as often as possible,to get to know each other. Tell him things about yourself, other than things relating to your sexual preferences. That is evident by who you're dating at the moment.Listen very closely when he talks about himself. Interrupt when he touches on something of particular interest, to get more details. For example, if he says he has an ex; and they broke up badly. Find out if he has resolved those feelings. It's important before you invest your own. Also find out if he is comfortable expressing his affection for another man. It's hard to become emotionally involved with a cold and distant partner. Someone who still has one foot in the closet. You're trying to come to terms with your own gay-feelings. Let there be no barriers. It's a real bromance!Ask what traits he sees in you that are desirable. Then reciprocate in detail. So many people forgo this question for fear of rejection. If you know that you have what he's looking for, and he knows he has what you're looking for, you're both on your way to forming a meaningful relationship. It's not just based on a hormonal high brought on by hot sex.How can you gauge where things are going; if you don't know if you've been placed in the "friend zone;" or if he is attracted to you in a different way. Ask him from the very beginning!!! You can avoid guessing when you're involved in a relationship with another man. It's easier to ask; because men are more analytical about our feelings than we are emotional. Except when you're talking about the "narcissistic gay" who is hooked on "types." They're superficial and looking for narcissistic supply, not a meaningful relationship. Avoid these creatures. You'll know one when you meet one.If he likes a certain kind of music, books, or sports; try to incorporate his interests in the future dates you plan.It will make you interesting and allow you to also enjoy "guy" stuff together.Let him know what you like. Keeping how "gay-new" you are to a minimum. It is important he senses that you are relaxed with your feelings. I say this, because your nervousness can be a distraction and a turn off. This relationship is at it's infancy. There is much to learn about each other. It's more important that he knows what you "want" and "need;" than what you're afraid of. You are naturally uncomfortable until you're better acquainted. So I know you're uneasy to some degree.Keeping him at ease allows him to drop his defenses, lower his shields, and be more forthcoming about who he really is. You want to fall for the real guy, not some phony personality he created to impress you. One of the main reasons relationships formed after internet connections fail. Gay, straight, and in-between.If you're easy-going and relaxed; he'll learn to enjoy your company, because it makes him "feel good." He can settle his "nerves" when there is no tension or apprehension in the air. You can't really call it a "relationship" until it is an in-person connection that has been jointed in "reality."When two people can actually touch, and you're more than just visible. It is merely a visual connection while you're "online."If you are nervous from "anxiety" he may misinterpret that as desperate or needy. So be at ease as much as you can. Even if you don't have much experience being with a man; fake it. You know exactly what a man likes sexually and how it feels. Cause you're a guy too!That's the reason I say spend time being with him. So he can get into your head and you can get into his. By-passing this will only leave you open to deception about his true character. You have to form emotional attachment based on a person's true nature.If you don't get used to being around him in person; he'll always seem like a stranger. When you have limited contact with a person, his absence will sometimes make you too eager. You'll talk too much or come off as jittery when you don't allow people to get up close and personal. You'll find frequent dating will calm you. Give in to your gay feelings and let nature take its course.Make all your meetings in-person count. That way he will look forward to seeing you face to face, and connecting man to man. Less Skype and no hype. Touch. Lean in close,and maintain eye-contact. Smile a lot. Be yourself. Mobile devices are used strictly for convenience, and shouldn't be used as a substitute for personal interaction.If he doesn't have the time to share with you, he's just not that into you. I tell women that all the time.Let him like you for you, not for your screen "image." Allow him to feel your presence and you to feel his. That will make you more comfortable being with another man. Then if romantic feelings do develop, they will be based on "reality" and not on doctored profiles and rehearsed on-screen personalities. Falsely-created to impress; but not to form real human bonding. Just remember that you are attracted to men; therefore, you wouldn't have come this far. So you've placed yourself in this situation to be available to all the opportunities it will offer. Don't lead him on if you aren't sure. Another mistake we make is, people start attaching deep feelings to total strangers. They are infatuated with the "attention" not really the person. You don't know the guy yet. So keep your feelings in check. You will be charmed by him, aroused by him, and drawn to him.Take your time to allow the chemistry to develop. Don't let yourself get drawn in too quickly. So you will not over-look undesirable quirks or behavior that you don't like in a person. Allow your mind to process your interaction with this young man; before allowing your heart to prematurely tell you he is the one for you. Only time will tell that.Don't fall for the first guy who comes along and allows you to touch his penis. It's a lot more involved and complicated. It will be a greater experience; if you glide and just come in for a soft landing. Also prepare for outside influences that may affect your connection. That includes friends and family.Don't rush to form a committed relationship. Make sure you have compatible personalities; that will put off the heart-break of a premature break-up. Good sex may cloud your judgement, and you'll over-look important flags and warnings. keep your eyes and ears open.Please practice safe-sex and always use condoms. If you form a committed partnership in the future, get tested together for HIV and other STD's.WiseOwlE has given you the benefit of his experience, Grasshopper. Now go forth.Good luck!
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