A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had recently started seeing my ex boyfriend again after being broken up for almost a year. Things seemed to be going okay . My teenage son who has never liked him, recently did something terrible to try to cause problems for us. I won't get into detail but my ex has seemed to forgive him. My problem is this: my ex is wanting me to move back in with him but my son refuses to move with me if I go, I love my ex but I love my son also and hate to be caught in the middle.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 December 2009):
 I am glad you have told us your son's age, 15 is too young to be dumped by your parent. One of the other responders has given his personal experience of sons of single mothers. My personal experience is that sons of single are very protective and dont like to see their mother's being treated badly. There is also the issue of the alpha male, teenacge boys are on the edge of manhood, they are pushing the boundaries and testing the waters, and they dont want some man who is new on the scene telling them what to do (as opposed to a man who has helped raise them). You boyfriend would have been trying to demonstrate his "manliness' to you by showing he was "alpha male" and you son would have been thumping his own chest right back at him.
You have made the right decision, you had the child and its your job to raise him.
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (6 December 2009):
 Well it could mean that you ex was out of line but you did not give us the circumstances. It might also mean that your son needs some discipline.
I have observed that many single mothers of boys do not give them proper discipline and as a result the boys have a distorted sense of what they deserve and what they can get away with. This may not be your case but it would be a good thing to examine.
The simple fact is that your first job is that of a parent. What you may need to do is examine what you are doing as his mother to create a good environment for your son and ANY man that you choose to be with.
Coming is as the boyfriend and possible step dad is a very hard job. When a mother has been too forgiving with her child it makes this job incredibly difficult if not impossible. The new man will quickly become the enemy simply because he does not play along with the existing family dynamic.
All of that aside you have to do a long hard gut check and examine where the source of these problems really is.
PM me if you want to chat more
Duce
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I kind of doubt that your son told you the reason he doesn't like the ex is because he tried to discipline him. Open up a dialogue with your son about this sometime when the two of you are just relaxing and doing something together, try to get him to open up about how he really feels and what is bothering him...that is the only way you can help him out and yourself out of this situation in my view. Don't just assume it was discipline, you sound like you are taking sides.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who responded. You all had good advice. My son is 15 years old and I guess it is best to just wait till he graduates and moves out on his own before I move back in with my ex, if I ever decide to. The reasons my son never liked my ex were because my ex tried to discipline him. I can't force my son to like him or even get along with him .Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): my fiances mother has this problem.Since she chose her piece of crap husband over her son, she doesn't even talk to him anymore and it really hurt him. She once told him she would choose her son over any man but then he got kicked out by her husband and she went along with him. Us teenagers have a weird way of telling someone when they are making the wrong choice. I'm pretty sure that's what your child is trying to tell you. never choose a man over your own flesh and blood. NEVER over someone you know will always be there for you. Your child will be there for you but think where will you turn too if this relationship doesn't work out???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I think your son needs to be punished for whatever terrible thing he did so that he knows it won't work. Then you need to talk to him about why he doesn't like your ex. Obviously if the ex did something to him, you would want to know and not move in with him. But if he just simply doesn't like him or is jealous, that is a different matter entirely. Ultimately you are the parent and you make the decision, but at the same time it is very, very important to hear your son's side of the story and take that into heavy consideration since it's his life, too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): Blood is thicker than water. Choose your son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): I believe you have the right to get on with your life but your teenage son here should be first for now. If your son is so mad it might mean he has unresolved issues and needs you more than ever. If the man really loves you he should wait.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (5 December 2009):
why is your ex your ex.
You child comes first in this situation, your ex is your ex for a reason. maybe your son saw you deal with pain and feelings of rejection, hurt etc etc, caused by your breakup with your ex, and doesnt want to see it again.
Talk to your boy, keep your mind, and your ears open, ask him what the problem is, you might be surprised.
Of course, if you have already decided to give the ex a go, whatever your son says wont matter jack, because his answers wont be what you want to hear.
Your children are unique to you, they are yours, they will always be your children, always, through thick and thin, your ex has already shown he is not always yours, neither through thick nor thin. Think about that!
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (5 December 2009):
There are a few unknowns here still...
How old is your son? If he is almost 18 then maybe you can wait on moving in until your son goes to college or the military or just wings it on his own.
What did your son do to disrupt your relationship? This sounds like he is wielding power over your life and that is just not his place. You are the parent and you make the rules under your roof.
What exactly is the problem between the BF and your son? Is there some error on the part of the BF too?
I may be able to give you some good advice because I have some experience here but you would need to give me a better understanding of some of the specifics.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): I think you choose your son. By that I mean you do not move in with the ex if and until a relationship can be restored between the two of them. Your child comes first.
My guess is that you have forgotten the reasons that your relationship didn't work out the first time, have glossed over the past and the problems and are now wanting to rush back into a relationship only to have it break down for the same reasons as before.
If you really want to work things out with your ex, then there is no reason he won't be willing to wait on moving in together until your issues can be resolved. Take a wait and see attitude because it isn't fair to your son to move him in with you and your ex just to be kicked out a couple of months down the road because the old problems rear their ugly head.
Your son did an immature thing I guess, but frankly he seems to have more insight into this than you do. He doesn't like your ex most likely because he wasn't good to your son or to you and kids don't forget.
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A
female
reader, christina elizabeh +, writes (5 December 2009):
 You are the parent so you should make the decisions. Not the other way around. If you love your son then you will correct him when he is wrong and discipline him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): I agree with the first post that says you have a right to be happy and you do. But you also need to bear in mind the feelings of your son. Ultimately he should always be first in your life, surely? Say to your son that he can always talk to you, let him know that he is your prioroty and I know teenage sons are difficult sometimes but you need to talk.
Make a time and sit down, just you and him, and tell him you want to know why he doesn't like your boyfriend. Let him talk honestly, without interrupting and if he says things you know arent true and are unjustified dont get mad but let him get it all off his chest. If you stay calm so will he. Once you know his feelings tell him your side. Teenagers find it hard to see their parents as people, they only see "mum" and to them thats all you can be.
Hopefully with a proper heart to heart he will start to respect you as a person who needs company and will realise you are more than just mum. Maybe at one stage all three of you can talk and your boyfriend can reassure him that he doesn't want to take over as dad but be there as a friend.
Also it would be a wise thing to think over the reasons as to why you and your boyfriend split in the first place. Your son may dislike him more because he saw how hurt you were when you split. You may also rethink the relationship altogether.
I hope you are able to get through this time ok and I hope I provided a bit of advice for you. Take Care.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 December 2009):
You have the right to be happy with someone you love, and you need to make that clear to your son, no matter what happens. It could be that he doesn't want to be in competition for attention, or that he feels as if he's being betrayed. However, also ask yourself this. Why did you and your ex break in the first place? Ultimately, if you have to make a choice, then you have to. And that's it. But ask your son why he's behaving like this, and tell you him will not tolerate being blackmailed.
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A
female
reader, Stranger. +, writes (5 December 2009):
 talk to your son.
ask him why he doesnt like your ex.
try to find something they BOTH enjoy.
maybe video games, horro movies, sports.
stuff like that.
you shouldnt move in with the guy if your son doesnt want too go as well.
if you do then things will get harder between the both of you.
just try to find something that both if not all three of you like.
if that doesnt happen then talk to your son.
try to reason with him.
tell him why you love your ex.
that you had no control of falling for him
your son might feel like your tring to replace his father, tell him otherwise.
talk it out.
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