A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we were happy all throughout. We moved in together on our 2nd year and lived together for 3yrs. Ever since we moved in together, we had less and less sex. it would be about once a month.. i would get rejected by him so many times coz all he wanted to do was cuddle, play video games.. he would want to do everything together but would always leave sex out of it. I felt like there was something wrong with me. my self esteem sank lower and lower and i would cry myself to sleep at times wondering why our sexual intimacy went on a rapid decline. i asked him multiple times why that was happening despite my many attempts to initiate it. I would write him letters, talk to him, cry.. and he would never really give me a good answer. I know he was not cheating on me for a FACT. He's the most loyal, kind hearted guy in the entire world. then i felt like our roles were reveresed. like i was the male and he was the female. Why did i want to be intimate more than he did? we were joint at the hip and we never did anything without each other.. the issue bothered me for 3 years and was always unresolved. I tried my best to avoid the issue because it only seemed to bother me and not him. I didnt want to ruin our perfect dynamic by bringing up that topic again. I would wear sexy lingerie, initiate sex and pretty much just try everything i could do to get him to "want" me just as much as i wanted him. i love him SO much and i just wanted to physically express my love for him. I got politely rejected so many times that it hurt me so deep. Then one night, a guy from my past added me on BBM and we just started talking. It was initially friendly bbm conversations, but then the conversations got a little more intimate. I asked for his opinion as to why my bf doesnt want me the way i want him. The conversations between us suddenly became sexual and i liked it because i felt like he was filling the void my bf wouldnt fill. I had the best of both worlds. I had my bf which i loved SO much, and another guy that would give me the boosts of confidence i needed.I knew the bbm relationship i was having with the other guy was already wrong because my bf who loved me so much had no clue what was going on between me and the other guy. So i told the other guy that i cant talk to him anymore because i dont want to hurt my bf at all. So he proceeded to asking me to just see him just once and say goodbye face to face. I just wanted to get it over with and also had some curiosity attached to it. So i went to his place. We ended up cuddling on his couch and i ended up giving him head after he had insisted. At that point, i just felt needed, wanted and desired. All the emotions i always longed to feel with my bf. 3 weeks later my bf found out from the guy's gf through fb! (i didnt even know he had a gf!). I denied it and denied it at first and even swore on everything in my life just because i was so desperate to save our relationship, but ended up telling him the truth the next day. I hurt him SO bad. He told me he was going to propose to me this august already and had already asked my dad for his blessing. He told me he loves me so much and that i ripped out his entire core. I love him SO much and i feel so sick to my stomach that i did what i did. All because i was selfish and wanted to feel "needed". So of course, my 5 year relationship ended. He said even though he loves me with all his heart, he would be stupid to take me back. he says he doesnt want to believe anything that comes out of my mouth anymore. I love him with all my heart and just like Eve, i surrendered to temptation because of my weakness. Is there any hope to reconcile??? We love each other SO MUCH. But i dont know if love is enough to save us.. Please help me! i dont know what to do. Weve been apart for 3 months now and my heart aches every single day being without him. Am i a horrible person????
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 I know you feel lost without him, but I think you are being too hard on yourself. I am not condoning cheating, it should never come to that, but I think you were pushed to the edge with his lack of willingness to improve your sex life. You are being hard on yourself for being selfish, but it works both ways! He was also being really selfish by rejecting you all those times you tried to get close to him physically.
Ok, you are well aware that cheating was not the right way to resolve this, but it sounds like you tried everything you could to get him to understand your needs and feelings about this, but he seemed indifferent or unable to understand the importance of intimacy for keeping your relationship alive. Everyone has different values around sex and intimacy, to some it is more important than others. It could sadly have just been that you were miss matched in that department, and no matter what you do he would always just not be interested anywhere near as much as you. And that would always eat you up inside. No matter how much you love each other.
Perhaps you just need to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't working out, ok it didn't end well, so you will wonder if you hadn't cheated, would it have worked out? But ultimatly, you have tried and tried to talk to him about your needs, but he was never able to understand you or overcome whatever stopped him making a decision to make more effort to be intimate.
Don't feel selfish for having sexual needs. You are who you are and we each have things that are very imporatant to us for our happiness. There is nothing selfish about seeking happiness. We get one life, why sacrifice waht makes us happy for another person who isn't willing to sacrifice a bit of time and effort to make the woman they supposedly love happy?
I know its hard, when you really love someone, to let them go. Although sex is important, an emotional bond means a lot more. When chosing between sex without love or love without sex, for a long term relationship, most would prefer the latter. But in an ideal relationship there should be enough of each, otherwise, at some point or another it will break, as you've discovered. It's useless blaming anyone, including yourself. It was what it was. A good relationship, that just wasn't quite a great one.
Try to come to terms with this and BE selfish. There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself and your needs. Spend time doing things for yourself now. Don't worry about relationships, like he said, if it is meant to be, he will forgive you and come back to you, but you just have to give each other time to understand what happened and how you really feel about it. That can only happen after some time has passed and you have lived separate lives for a while. So go out there, spend time with good friends, take up new hobbys, go travelling, do something just for you. Just try to remember that time will heal both of you, and if your love was both real you will be back in each other's lives, even if that means being good friends down the road.
A
male
reader, Roshii +, writes (25 July 2011):
 in response to your answers i have this to say,
Firstly He's all about him, he should know his part in all this, like someone said before if he was all over you, you wouldn't have soaked up the attention from the other guy.
so don't beat your self up about it. you made a mistake that could of been worse, you've learnt from it. So should he. He knows how you felt now with his disinterest. although that does not excuse your choice to cheat, it does show that you didn't feel loved by a person who confesses love.
Secondly time does heal, and you can rebuild trust, but remember this, if he says he's forgiven you then he should never bring it up not even when your arguing about something. He might be cautious about you leaving and going out on your own for a while and might get a bit more possessive. So you need to figure out if working through that is something you want to do. Then stick to the decision and help each other.
COMMUNICATION is key remember and you tell him that from me. Its very well his self esteem was hit at your comments but like you said your not to know that unless he says something so if you do manage to try again. Be 100% honest with each other.
I'm sure you can both work it out with help and guidance from each other. (The people of this site too if needs be)
Just be patient and wait if you love him. But know that it wont be the same as it used to be for a long time, and the distance might still be there, just take things slow.
I hope that helps.
Good look, again message me if you would like some deeper advice.
Roshii
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A
female
reader, heartbrokenducky +, writes (24 July 2011):
by the way, i did tell him what my reasons were. its still inexcusable obviously and he just kept saying how selfish i was. He told me that i made him feel like he wasnt good enough for me coz i would just complain about our lack of intimacy. He said my complaints made him have low self esteem too. But he never told me that! how would i know that after begging and pleading and asking for an answer but he would never say anything about it. I just wish we both had a better understanding of each other.... and with the whole sex thing, its not just coz i feel horny. I just wanted to bring passion into our relationship because it felt like we had everything else we could ever want except the lack of passion and intimacy... im SO SELFISH its disgusting. All i kept focusing on was how *I* felt and what *I* was needing... if any of you out there are religious and believe in God, please help me pray for him to heal! im so desperate to have him in my life i feel so empty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): thanks so much for the response guys =)
my ex told me a few weeks after we broke up that he does want to have me in his life but he just doesnt know how he can ever trust me again as much as he wants to. He said he'll forgive me for a fact, but he just doesnt know when. He said as much as he wants to believe me that i'll wait for him until hes healed, he doesnt want to because hes scared i'll break his heart again if he finds out i have a new bf (he thinks i cant wait long enough because i always need someone to cling to). He says not talking to me would be the only way he can get over his feelings because deep down inside he really wants to. He also said that if we continue talking, we'd just be prolonging the healing process and he's just gonna build resentment towards me which will ruin any chance of us being together. He told me to just stay strong and remember that he loves me more than i'll ever know, but the only right thing to do right now is to just let go. He said as much as he wants to give it a chance right now, he knows the trust issue will just drive us even further apart and would have nothing left to salvage. He said time is what he needs to heal, and time would also tell him if im really serious about waiting for him. then he said "if were really meant to be together, God will bring us back together someday. So stay strong and know that everything happens for a reason, and our marriage would have never worked out the way things were going."
With all that in mind, do you think that would increase the chances of us being together again?? We both love each other so much but he cant take me back obviously because of the damage ive done to him. Does distance really make the heart grow fonder or is it "out of sght, out of mind"??? Im so emotionally drained.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): "He told me he was going to propose to me this august already and had already asked my dad for his blessing. He told me he loves me so much and that i ripped out his entire core."
First off, don't marry him, because at this stage in the relationship he should be all over you.
Secondly, don't marry him because you cheated on him, and this is a bad mess, counseling for a couple of years, and lots of drama to come and he will never forget.
Thirdly, get counseling for yourself, tell your bf this is why you are ending the relationship now and need to move on, so you engage in relationships openly, honestly, and allow yourself to end them without cheating, which damages you more than you realize.
Love is not enough, there has to be actions with that love.
Finally, don't go around the other guy, he likes to boost his ego with women who are attached, and you will get treated the same way in the end, by being cheated on, why not, he knows he can't trust you, and he doesn't care, as long as you feed his ego.
Then, when you are ready, get back into relationships, and do the right thing, no matter what is done to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): normally I would flame on a cheater but it seems you were driven to this because you felt unwanted. communication is the key here, you tried to communicate your unhappiness and he didn't seem bothered or at least didn't want to explain himself fully. no use saying now I wanted to propose, that just seems like a guilt trip to me. if you really love him then all you can do is give him space and tell him how sorry you are..maybe now he'll appreciate you a bit more, but I fear the damage is already done.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): It wont ever be the same as it was. Just accept its not worked. Cheating is unfair and if its not working then end it first. He wont trust you so move on.
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A
male
reader, Roshii +, writes (23 July 2011):
Horrible? That's the wrong choice of word, You blame him for what happened that much is apparent, it's through your own sense of guilt that you've came to the understanding its because of this void that you cheated. Here's a fact for you, Biologically at the age of 19 men hit there sexual peak, from then on each year is a decline. a woman's sexual peak is further into her life. mid 30s - 40s if i remember correctly. Some men's sexual interest declines faster than others. I can't say if that happened with your boyfriend for sure or not, but perhaps he was just happy being with you that he didnt feel the need to make the relationship all about sex. perhaps he wanted a more emotional connection. Or perhaps for some reason he couldn't get in the mood. Could of been a sexual problem. you don't know. You say you love him, but you obviously picked the wrong path this time and if it can be resolved or not ? well i couldn't say. Here's how i see it, your relationship lacked core elements, passion, communication being two of the most important things. (i mean on both parts) Sure he should of been more open about why he didn't want to have sex, But perhaps he was embarrassed. You on the other hand could of been less upset about the ordeal seeing as you being upset would obviously make him feel guilty thus would hinder his sex drive even more with him wondering whats wrong with himself. So no i don't think your a horrible person, I think you made a silly mistake. There's a saying that goes something like this . "You have to forgive yourself before you ask for forgiveness" You need to let go of the mistake and learn from it, As for you and your ex making things up, you can only try. I suggest you talking to him to be a start. Tell him why you did it with out blaming him. Making him feel guilty about the fact you blew someone else isn't really going to help things. While the relationships decline was both your responsibilities, you made the conscious decision to preform the act you did. Therefore it is no one's responsibility but yourself. Accept that and move forward. Tell him that you felt unloved that you felt like you were doing something wrong, explain to him that you made a mistake yes, but you did it because you felt wanted. Then ask him why he wasn't being intimate with you. Be 100% honest, and listen to what he has to say. All you can do is take it from there and see what happens. I suggest taking it slow, and rebuilding the trust slowly, how you convince him he can trust you however is something you should figure out on your own. I hope that helps if you want further advice feel free to message me, and i wish you luckroshiii
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 July 2011):
Unfortunately, with the relationship going as it was, something like this was inevitable.
The first thins is that you're not a horrible person. You have, at the very least, tried to account for what you've done and you have accepted responsibility. You could have blamed it on drink, drugs, 'the heat of the moment', or even your boyfriend. But you didn't do that - you took responsibility for what has happened, which is a good sign.
Sadly, in this case taking responsibility simply wasn't enough for your boyfriend, and he made the decision to leave. It's very clear that he spent some time thinking about the decision, and given that you've been split up for 3 months and there has been no sign from him that he'll come back, there is little chance that this can be fixed.
Apart from anything else, the cheating actually wasn't the problem. It was a symptom of a far deeper problem - that you two were not communicating properly about your lack of sex life.
I think that there are a lot of people who underestimate the importance of sex, along with other things. Your boyfriend was unfortunately one of these people. You tried extremely hard to communicate your problems with him, and he did nothing to fix the problem. Nothing. So no matter how kind or great he was, when it came to the crunch, there was a major problem with his communication. The cheating was wrong, but I can understand why it happened - it was almost inevitable that it would.
In the end, love isn't enough to make a relationship work - that's why yours failed. Because there was love, but little else. Without communication, sex, trust, compromise etc etc, a relationship won't work. Yes, you cheated - but there were major problems there before that would have caused this to fail at some point.
If you really feel that you want to give this one last chance, then write a letter to him explaining that you're sorry for cheating, and that you'd really like another chance to make up for that. He'll either respond or he won't, and you'll then know where you stand.
However, it also needs to be clear that your communication and sex life has to change. However kind he was, he didn't listen or change even when you tried hard to make it clear you were feeling neglected. That's not a good sign for him, or his character.
The cheating was wrong, and you've accepted that. But on this occasion, he does have some responsibility to bear for his part in this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): No you are not horrible you are human.There is only so much rejection a person can be expected to take.You have tried hard to get to the bottom of your BF problem with sex.Yes you made a mistake and you didnt even get what you needed i suspect.I really think that it is all for the best though.Could you truley go on in a relationship without sex?You were really in effect flatmates and even they sometimes can end up having sex.Dont feel bad move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): What a way to find out your gf cheated: through FB!
Your story is sad. But hun,replacing your bf with another guy was not the answer. You should not have lied to your bf when he confronted you. That was your fatal mistake.
Its 3 months later so perhaps call him, tell him what u have told us and even write him a letter. You broke his heart by cheating. And i do not know whether he can get over it. But u need to try.
As for the other guy: what a pig! And he also betrayed his gf so she was destroyed as well.
Next time u are horny use a vibrator. It saves heartache and pain.
I am really sorry u are hurting.
LoveGirl
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