A
female
age
30-35,
*ustomi
writes:I'm a regular college going person who's subject to all the pressures and deliberations a girl of this age is wont to be under, at this time. However, ever since I left my first year, I've been struggling with a niggling problem that totally weighs me down and consumes me at times.The problem in question, is of selective social anxiety. Let me mention a little about myself---I'm a regular, cheerful and balanced person who's never faced much issues. I made two very god friends in the first year, who felt to me like the Very BEST FRIENDS I ever had, and I used to literally pour my soul out to them in anything and everything. However, the friendship of us three did not last long. It severed, and in such a way that still gets me all worked up when I break my head pondering over it. They----to say it point-blank-SIMPLY STOPPED TALKING TO ME. Yep. That's right. One fine morning, I found them deeply aloof from me. I could sense that something was wrong, and I mentioned to them innocently. However, they brushed it off. I thought nothing of it. However, with the days after that, they drifted away from me in a pace that I couldn't fathom.They just IGNORED ME. I was flabbergasted by this, simply because I couldn't dig out any satisfactory explanation for this, no matter how hard I tried, Things had been all right just one day before.ALL THE PICTURE OF PERFECTION. Time heals all, it is said. So it did, after a while, I got back to living my previous routine. However, this was to create a problem which was to cause me serious botheration in the future.As I mentioned, the feeling of trauma gradually wavered, and I went back to my usual life. But they were my first best friends in college, and I'd become attached with them at a level I couldn't let go of easily. So, even after the feeling stopped haunting me consciously, I developed a severe Social Anxiety in college. That is to say, I became recoiled in my class after that,was unable to move into a new group and began to feel too overly conscious of myself whilst communicating with my peers. I tried to suppress this as far as possible, and it worked to a certain level. Its not that I didn't make friends, I did. But I couldn't bring myself to connect myself to them in the same way. Whenever I feel down or empty, I don't get the courage to go and communicate it with them. I always feel, like I mentioned, OVERLY CONSCIOUS of myself. If someone jokes casually about me, or so much as laughs at something I do, I become heavily bothered with it and start to over-analyze the situation. I always feel neglected and out-of-place when I'm talking to a group of people who're friends with each other. Funnily enough, this phenomenon is limited to my college, and, to my class. I don't get the same way while doing the same outside of it.I've been trying to battle this for three years, and now I'm in the final year of my college. How, how do I battle this? How do I get rid of this persistent Selective Social Anxiety? Please be care to note, I DO NOT FEEL THIS way (sorry for the caps)outside of college, just within my class. Also, I seem to have developed this weird thing where I keep getting random feelings of loss of self-esteem without any particular reason. I sometimes feel unwanted and depressed. How to rid this? Please offer assistance.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 Ahh anytime i do try my best to help.
Well i did try to fight through it all and like you every day i would put on a brave face and just ignore it to the best of my abilitys, unfortunely i found with me that was the worst thing to do. I should of spoken to someone about my feelings beforehand, because as i bottled it all up i ended up having a mental breakdown and was put into hospital.
I am now fighting my demons but i will not ever return to school, as my social anxcity is not just in school it is outta school aswell. I was put under severe pressure in school and critisized and picked on by the people who i considered to be my friends.
I am now as you say "self-councilering" myself, and i am making good progress i continue to study at home and i may even be going to college after the holidays. Good luck x
A
female
reader, Rustomi +, writes (24 July 2011):
Rustomi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello The ALmighty Duck
I can't just tell you how better it felt to read your reply. No kidiing, I really had thought it was just me who's ever landed such a peculiar problem. Well, like you said in your paragraph, you just feel shunted out and left in the lurch to wander.....you talk with isolated people, but never really make any real "friends".
You know, I felt something turn in my heart when I read the sentence ".... i was so afraid of being friends with someone again because i thought they would hurt me like the previous ones. Whenever i went to mix with a group i didnt know what to say and found it diffuclt to be myself." Difficlut to be myself is exactly what I feel, even after dealing with this for over Three years now. Immediately after this happened, I put myself through a punishing regime to put up a "brave face" in front of the world. I didn't share anything with anyone except my cousin. In college, the long days felt like pure hell, ye I knew I couldn't afford to run away and hide, else I'd put myself in a shell I'd never be able to return from. I struggled...went up to random people and striked up convos, went out with different people, dined, talked and chatted...after a while the feelings of intense hurt began to recede, but the damage wa done. Never again could I be myself at college. I'd lost trust in the world. But still I stubbornly put up a tall head and a puffed chest, just because i knew I had to.I convinced myself I wasn't at fault here and that all would be well one day. I got along at college with individuals, but my anxiety was difficult to hide when in a group. Eventually, with the passing of a year, the scar dried up, but the last traces cause a lot of pain. I found out that I had developed sort of a "Social Anxiety" in college. I never had any trouble being myself outside of school, yet something seized me once I went inside the class...like I was in a spell,and couldn't break it.I found myself overly self-conscious of anything anyone aid about me, and ended up blaming myself for any criticism I faced from people, even though I knew deep inside that, that wasn't the case. Solely because of my brave front and self-counselling I'd subjected myself to every day during the last few years, I went back to normal self-esteem levels once I was out of college and had no problem feeling and knowing I was not awkward or weird. But, I somehow -----JUST COULD NOT--be myself in college. As a result, I end up making ridiculous comments on something or making myself look like a fool. I know its normal for people to be laughed at on trivial stuff---and I also knew that people did not always meean things in a derogatory way---but it was difficult to explain oneself all that. But I managed to somehow, and forcibly put on positive thoughts the next day. It helped almost all the time, and I found I was less-self-conscious of myself when I had mental strength and a relaxed mind. There are/were day when I feel absolutely down in the dumps, without any reason, and I know that I'd have a bad day at school.
Long intro, that was. Whew! But, what I've had to say was, self-counselling helps to a great extent. I found that gradually I'm making it through the cobwebs of Anxiety and mingling more with groups,those I didn't feel too comfortable with at the beginning.I've considered telling all to someone about this, like a counsellor or a family member, but always withheld myself for fear of weakening my resolve. I know I'm less vulnerable now than I used to be. I knwo that NOT BOGGING DOWN AND GIVING IN TO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS have helped----and that is why your words:
"Try and be yourself even if its really hard, i find what you have to do is just ignore the nerves even tho it might take some time.. " cut into my mind. You said it BANG ON there, mate! Those are the things I've learnt, self-instructed in my dog days. I know more than anyone else what you mean there.
I feel bad about your situation as well...I know what it must've been to be put through all that, probably worse than mine. I had it in one stroke, but you've had it in multiple cuts. Trust me, I know, I know! But I must say one thing---I don't think your decision of skipping school for a year was correct, beacuse what I've learnt is---that its probably best if you stand up and fight through your own demons...the more you run away, the more they chase you and corner you. Just thought I'd say, you shouldv'e stood up to it and roughed it up to the point where you saw lightness at the end of the tunnel. It had made me stronger, I feel now. The fight trhough this all has helped me take a more objective, indifferent view of life, and taught me to look for new friends while drawing up a emotional wall deep inside of you. And what I've been spoon-fed taught is------what you said about "BEING YOURSELF UNDER ALL CONDITIONS". Be yourself even if it costs you your life. That is one thing I'll be grateful to my errant buddies for.LOL. Thank you once again for your reply...I really needed it. :)
God bless both of us. X
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (23 July 2011):
Hey :). well i have social anxcity and my story is alot like yours i had 3 best friends, and one of them got in a mood for a riduculous reason and never spoke to me again the other we simply drifted apart, and the last one had been slagging me off the whole time. It felt horrible when i realized i was on my own, i would cry about them all the time and it almost felt like someone had died. It was even harder seeing them in school with new people and me sitting on my own with no one. So i know what you feel like. But what i had to realize was people come and go and thats just life as sad as it must be. My social anxcity started off in school to, i think it was because i was so afraid of being friends with someone again because i thought they would hurt me like the previous ones. Whenever i went to mix with a group i didnt know what to say and found it diffuclt to be myself. School was horrible i always felt on edge and was convinced i was going mad. To answer your qeustion i think what you have to do is just try as hard as you can to think postivly and that you will find some more friends like that and not everyone will screw you over. Try and be yourself even if its really hard, i find what you have to do is just ignore the nerves even tho it might take some time walk up to a random group and say hi, they might laugh at you , they might tell you to go away but when they do you just have to put on a brave face and keep looking untill you find a group that will acutally say hi back. I am afraid there is no magic cure for social anxcity as i have been trying to fight it for a year i no longer go to school and i find it has helped. It is a battle which you must go through yourself to stop thinking negatively put the nerves to the back of your mind and just try your very best to socialize with others. Hope this helps xoh yeah and P.s you could look into other types of therapy too. Maybe see a therapist or chat with your doctor you could have depression as the social anxcity can come along with that. Sometimes just talking to a trusted one or family memeber can really make the world of difference, with your self esteem issues just try as hard as you can to be who you want to be and boost your apperance if that is what you want. Take care x
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