A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years and we have a 10 week old daughter together. Since I gave birth to my daughter I have been yearning to engaged/married we have a generally brilliant relationship and I love him dearly. The problem is that my partner does not seem to want to get engaged/married he is worried about our relationship "changing". Marriage is a deal breaker for me and I really cannot imagine never being married! Deep down I don't think I'm the one for him. I think he is comfortable with me, sex on tap, someone to clean up his mess and to look after our daughter. When I first fell pregnant with our daughter he begged me to get an abortion as he didn't think we were financially ready for a baby and he wasn't sure I'd be a good mother :( I told him I was keeping the baby and after 12 weeks he seemed to come round to the idea a year on and he says I'm a great mummy but he still won't talk about marriage. He wants to buy a new house and relocate but I'm not sure. I just don't think I'm the woman he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with I practically forced him into fatherhood and I don't want to force him into marriage if he really doesn't love me! I love him so much but the possibility of never marrying is devastating to me.What do you guys think? Am I the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 It is impossible for us to read his mind, but based on what you are telling us it doesn't seem like he's that sure about you being part of his future. One thing is he begged you to have an abortion because he didn't think YOU would be a good mother? To me that sounds like he was hoping to be married to the woman of his dreams, and have children with this ideal "perfect" mother for his children. And you aren't the one, and now, if he ever meets this perfect woman of his dreams (read: not real) then you've forever ruined the fantasy of his perfect little family. With a child out of wedlock, and always having an ex-baby mama on the sidelines. So now, to make the best of this, he goes along with being with you, but this doesn't sound like what he actually wants.
He did beg you to have an abortion. That was a very clear sign this, a family with you, isn't what he wanted. And it's got nothing to do with not being ready. My little brother and his girlfriend who are not at all ready for a child (neither have finished their education, they don't have a place to live, barely any savings) and having a baby. The pregnancy wasn't planned, and she has a miscarriage. But then they decided they wanted a child together. To me, that's when you know what you want. Despite not everything being perfect and ready. The heart knows what it wants.
I've had men tell me these things before, first they need the education, then they need the perfect job, the right income, the right house, the right car... By the time everything is "perfect" I will be too old to start a family with them. They know this as well as I do. So when they hesitate to seal the deal, don't it just show you that they don't think you're the one?
I know it's depressing, but there comes a time when a woman just has to get a grip on her own life and stop waiting around. If he begged you for an abortion then you probably feel, in your heart too, that he's not the one YOU want to marry. The man you want to marry is someone who WANTS to marry you, who truly wants you, can't wait to spend the rest of his life with you. Not someone who acts as if you're ruining his life by building a future with him (having a family).
If I were you I'd point blank as him. I'd propose myself. That is, if I actually wanted to marry this man and NOT the fantasy ideal of him (if only he was different... well, that would make him a different man!).
Being a single mom is possible, so don't think you are forced to marry him just because you have a child together.
Propose and see what he says. If he says no then you know what you must do.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 don't relocate you are not sure.
let him go... in fact, tell him to go.
if you sense he does not want to marry then he does not and you are correct.
personally I'm old fashioned... if he did not marry you before the baby came what makes you think anything will change now?
advice:
see a lawyer... get paternity and child support in place and move on... IF he wants to marry you, you will know it as soon as you present him with the papers. But I like you believe if he wanted to marry you he would have done it.
and i do not think you forced him into fatherhood. You both practiced unsafe sex... you BOTH conceived a child.
He wanted an abortion so you left and you say that at 12 weeks he came around... so you were willing to raise this child alone... MAKE IT SO.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): "Marriage is a deal breaker for me and I really cannot imagine never being married."So why did you allow yourself to get pregnant out of wedlock? "Am I the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with?"The question is moot as in any event you are now the woman who he is stuck with as co-parent for a minimum of the next seventeen years and forty-two weeks.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 September 2013):
 This is a conversation you should have with him, not speculate about. I agree with whoever said that you may be dealing with postpartum depression, because you have a very young baby (10 weeks), and as a result are sleep deprived and stressed.
I disagree with the idea that you "forced" him to become a father. No, he had unprotected sex with you, and with that comes a risk he signed on for every time he did it. The only way you could have "forced" him would have been to lie to him about birth control to deceive him into impregnating you in order to try and get him to commit. Doesn't sound like you did that here.
If you are right and he doesn't want to marry you, then you have a big choice here. Which do you value more -- being married to someone, or living with him? Sounds like if marriage is your goal, it will most likely be with someone else. So...marriage, or him?? Marriage, or him??
You cannot change him. If he's Not wanting to marry, then what can you do? You said that he SEEMS to not want to marry. Unless he outright said that to you, then you need to talk to him. If he confirms that he doesn't want to marry, then you can't change him.
You have tough conversations and tough decisions, but now is not the time to have either. Slow down and enjoy loving on that baby of yours. Get through this time with joy and love for her. When she's sleeping through the night, then maybe you'll have a better time of things.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 This is where the Cart (Mother and baby) is placed before the Horse (Partner). The child came first before the desirous marriage, so you’re pushing this issue uphill when it should be pulling you to the top!?
So how do we fix this carriage? STOP and get off the cart (about marriage) and let the horse breath for a second, because it’s all back to front with the way you’ve let this ride. Certainly trapping him and forcing him to continue pushing is the wrong thing to do? He’s going to kick in his heals about being rushed or ‘forced’ any longer. The man is exhausted!?
Let him get his bearings again before you loving discuss the issue of marriage again for a later date. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker if there is love, patience and commitment.
Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): Which devastates you more: being with him but not married, or not being with him at all?I admit I don't understand the dilemma. If you love him then what is the problem? Or do you love the idea of marriage more than you love him? What do you think is going to change (for the better) if you have a marriage certificate compared to right now? If it is security you're after, its a misconception that marriage will make the relationship more secure. Marriage relationships are NOT permanent as a general rule. He can still emotionally leave you. He can still cheat on you. He can still move out and leave you and move in with someone else. The only thing that changes is that if married and he does those things you have legal recourse to get money from him or financially take revenge on him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): I think you really hurt him by forcing him to be a parent and that's one reason he doesn't want to marry you, he probably feels his life has turned into something that's not what he wanted so why would he sign up for even more of it?He has a fear that marriage will change things. He is right. Marriage legally ties you to hat person. In other words he is afraid of being tied down to you. That says something about how he feels about you. Maybe he would feel that way about any other woman he was with, but the fact is that he feels that he doesn't want to be tied down to you. Men like this often feel that their girlfriends will take too much once married and try to change who they are. You're already trying to change him via forcing a family situation onto him and now also trying to get marriage to seal the deal so in a way I can understand why he feels this way.But you cant argue with a person's feelings. You want marriage as much as he doesnt want it. Therefore you should leave him if you are truly serious that its a deal breaker. If you love him enough to consider his needs and wants (remember he already compromised on his needs and wants for you by staying with you when you had the baby he didn't want) then why not learn to be happy without marriage, for his sake? This relationship has to go both ways, he has already made a huge life altering sacrifice for you by becoming a parent when he didn't want to (and maybe he still doesn't truly want to but is doing it for you anyway) . I think it would be selfish of you to expect him to give up even more. Find another man who is on the same page as you rather than trying to change this guy more and more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): You did force him into fatherhood, that's why he is growing cold toward you.Yes you had the right to keep your baby as your decision. I applaud you for standing by what you believe in. But you did not have the right to force him to go along with your decision. You should have told him he can walk away from you if he doesnt want a baby, that you woll not insist he stay and you should have given him the option to legally sign away his parental rights. You were the only one who wanted the baby so you do it on your own, that's only fair. But not fair to say "I want the baby so you must stick around and be a parent too just because that is what I want." See the difference? He did the noble thing of sticking around and going along with your decision but the fall out is that emotionally he has changed his opinion of this relationship. He did not want a broken family that is why he wanted there to not be any baby in the first place. Now you want marriage too? No, stop using him for your ends. He doesn't want to marry you because in his mind the relationship has already changed.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
The question is, if you're so convinced that you're not the right woman for him, why are you so desperate to get married to him?
And what's so special about a guy who just wants you to be "sex on tap, someone to clean up his mess and someone to look after our daughter"? In your own words in his eyes you're filling the role of a booty call/maid/nanny, not a beloved girlfriend.
What I'm thinking is that you should go see a doctor and be evaluated for post partum depression. Your feelings are very common. He probably (mistakenly) things you're crazy and you (probably mistakenly) think he doesn't care about you. I've been there, it's rough.
Regarding marriage changing your relationship: he's absolutely correct that it will. Some things for the better, some for the worst. Maybe he's just completely happy with things the way they are. You have the right to disagree and make your desires known, but if he doesn't agree to something that makes you happy, then you also have the right to leave him. But you can't expect him to change by endlessly complaining about it that will just drive you apart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): He's the only person who can answer that for you, it really would do no good for us to speculate.
OP you need to talk to him. You need to find out whether it's you he doesn't see marriage with, whether he never planned it, whether he sees a long term future with you, etc.
Stop wondering and find out.
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 You should be asking your boyfriend if you're the woman he wants to be spending the rest of his life with, because no one else knows his thoughts and feelings, but him.You say that marriage is a dealbreaker for you, and that's okay. At the same time, there's nothing wrong with his stance on marriage.If you knew in the beginning, that he wasn't interested in marriage, then it's a bit unfair to expect him to change, just as it would be unfair for him to expect you to change. For all intents and purposes, you ARE married, you just don't have the legalities to back it up. You both seems to have different goals, regarding the direction of this relationship. It's up to you to decide what you're willing to accept.
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