A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I am in a pretty sticky situation regarding an ex. We have a two year old daughter together. A few months after she was born, he met and fell in love with a stripper. It tore a wedge between us because he would put off visitation to spend time with her. He didn't support her financially, but he did move her and her two kids in with him. I did file for support, which he was very unhappy about due to the amount. He disappeared from March 2012 until September 2012, and ended up marrying his girlfriend in October 2012. In November of 2012, he reached back out to me because he was alone (no immediate family, except my daughter) and wanted to be apart of our her life. He was going through marital problems at the time. I told him he was more than welcome to see her (I never kept her away from the start). Well his wife wasn't happy about the visit at all. She came to my house, damaged my vehicle, and attacked him. He filed charges against her first because I had to go out of town. Once I came back, I decided to file the charges. I called him to get information about my tires since he replaced them, and he was really mad that I wanted to file charges against her, so yes, once again, it pushed us further and further apart. Because of this, he said he was happy with his step kids and told me to just raise our daughter with whomever I'm with.In February, I showed up for court and she ended up getting put in jail for a few days. Apparently after she got out, she moved out and filed for a divorce from him. They also had cases against each other, but they were thrown out because they didn't show up.He reached back out to me in July, and we have been talking every day since then. I was away on vacation, but he did video chat with our daughter every day, so she can get to know him. Once I came back, he has saw her every day, and I think they are actually going to have a pretty good relationship.Over the past two weeks, he has been hinting at us working things out and being a family. It caught me off guard, and I really didn't know how to respond to him. I haven't been in a relationship since him. I have just been focused on raising our daughter alone without him. I did give him my heart awhile ago, and the love is still there for him, but how can I be with him after what they had. He was head over heels in LUST with this girl, did his daughter wrong, and married her, but yet, I was good enough for him to have a baby by me, but wasn't good enough to marry. Yes, my daughter needs her father, and should be raised in a two parent home, but why should I fall for him now, when he didn't care for the first two years of her life.The subject of sex has also came up a few times. Yes, my hormones are raging, and I haven't had sex in over a 1 1/2 years, but how can I compete with a stripper? He is disease free (showed me documentation and his divorce papers), but I don't know what kind of tricks she performed on him (after all, she was getting paid to have sex..he found out after the divorce). I know I am in a pretty sticky situation, but I am torn between having my daughter raised in a single parent home or with both of her parents. What should I do? I left out quite a few things, but let's just say, he took my heart out and stomped on it, so how do I recover from the past and the way he did both of us? He did tell me that it wasn't love that he had for her, it was lust, but how could he marry her when he knew she was cheating? I am confused about everything, so any advice is greatly appreciated! I will be glad to elaborate or answer any questions.
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divorce, fell in love, in jail, moved out, stripper Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. It feels good getting unbiased advice on this situation. I guess I was emotional last night when I originally wrote this, and yes, it has been on my mind all day. I am just going to step back, and just continue co-parenting with him. Things still aren't adding up with him. For example, he doesn't want to come to my house to get our daughter..I always have to go to his job, meet him somewhere, or drop her off at his house. When it comes to spending time, he would rather me bring her out after dark because he doesn't want to come here. I think the reason is because either he doesn't want his ex wife seeing his car at my house like before or they are still communicating and he knows she will ride past my house. He can be a very sneaky person and lies a lot, so I don't know when he is being honest or dishonest. I love him, but I have to let him go. Like someone said, I don't know when he will up and leave again like before, so I will tread lightly when it comes to my daughter getting close. Whenever him and his ex made up, he disappeared, so I want to protect my daughter and I just in case he does it again. Again, thanks for opening my eyes.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Please read your letter to yourself. Imagine your daughter is grown up and has written it. What would you say to her?
Now wake up! You are not competing with a stripper! You shouldn't be competing for him at all!
She may have been a stripper but she was clearly no lady, sounds like a case of what I think you call "trailer trash" if you ask me.
He is weak, selfish, unfaithful and a terrible father.
He hasn't supported your daughter financially or emotionally and merely feigns interest in her when it suits him and he wants to get round you.
Your little lass doesn't need that kind of male role model.
And, I'm sorry, I couldn't care less if you haven't had sex for the last 1 1/2 years and your hormones are raging, do not use that as an excuse to let that creep back in your knickers, buy a rampant rabbit and a good erotic fiction novel!
Cut him loose and live your life. If your daughter wants her daddy in her life then she can find him when she comes of age, until then it's your duty to protect her and you're doing a great job of that.
I don't mean to be harsh but you are worth so much more than this.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): I think you should just stop thinking about giving him a second chance.
Its enough that you and him have a good relationship as friends. Its also nice that he was able to establish a good relationship with your daughter. But to give him a second chance, I am very skeptical over it.
To me, once a person leave, and the reason why they left is because of someone one else, or a third party, its something I cannot forgive.
Or should I say Forget. I can forgive but i can never forget. Because its the most disrespectful sin for me.
I might love the person so dearly in my heart but i will not let my heart rule over my head.
Because the heart is deceiving. The thought of having him back in your life would mean he might do the same thing all over again. You have to really think it over. Is his intentions sincere? Or his just lonely? Sad?
But I understand how you feel. Obviously your still in love with him. Not many people are like me who can control love and let my brain work for me. I don't know how i do it, but I just know how to control my feelings so well.
My advise is for you to pray hard. Because this is not a joke, it involves you, your daughter and your future.
Just be wise in making a decision. I do believe that everybody deserves a second chance, but sometimes you have the need to put a restriction otherwise people will come abusive.
Just think like you have business to protect so you can think and do what is right.
Good Luck, dear.
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 For the time being, you and your ex should focus on co-parenting. If you decide that you want a more intimate relationship with you ex, it would be a good idea to take it VERY slowly!
He has mistreated both you and your daughter. He needs to earn his way back into your life, and it should be on your terms. There is nothing negative about being raised in a single parent home if both parents are committed to co-parenting.
If you genuinely want a relationship with him, then I say tread very carefully and very slowly...or wait for someone to come along who you know, without any doubts, is Mr. Right. Don't settle.
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