A
female
age
30-35,
*orensic@Heart
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two months now (not long huh?) and everything was fine last night. we were out with some friends having a meal and we had an arguement on the way home (i've been staying at his for the best part of a month now) we managed to sort this out and went to sleep, we kept waking up during the night and restless i asked him a question. he answered and satisfied with the answer i asked him if he wanted to ask me anything. he asked me if i'd ever had a threesome; i answered yes, as this was the truth. It happened along time ago (three years atleast, and this is still three years before i met him aswell) yet all hell broke loose. he won't let me touch him, nor will he hardly speak to me. he says he doesn't care whether i'm here when he gets back or not... i'm staying here for now to see if he'll calm down whilst he's at work. when he first kicked off about it (calling me a skank) i said simply that it was none of his business; this didn't go down well. he thinks i am dirty and doesn't believe a word i say. i myself wish i could take it back. he's also said i should find someone "more like me"---meaning someone with more sexual experience. I have slept with a few more people than he has, but i regret almost every single one. I love him so much, we have such a good connection, from the moment we met we just clicked, i'd do anything for him but he says there's nothing i can do right now. i can accept that i may have to just take a big step back and let him sort his head out but i'm getting ill from the stress of not knowing what's going on. he won't give me a straight answer as to whether we're together or not. he promised he'd never leave me; and i trusted him. the first guy i've ever trusted fully. i'm hoping he'll calm down after a while.... or is this something he'll never forget? help please.
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female
reader, Forensic@Heart +, writes (10 October 2010):
Forensic@Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for helping. I have taken a lot of comfort in all that has been said and I'm just grateful there are people who will take time out of there own lives to help a complete stranger.
I am happy to tell you, that on friday night (8th Oct) we started making progress, and with me using everything i could to get through to him, eventually closing with the fact that "you can push me away all you like but i'm not f*cking going anywhere because i love you and i'll fight for you tooth and nail". at this point i turned my back on him in bed and said "I'm going to sleep, if you want me then you know where I am" A stony silence fell; after about five minutes i feel his hand on my back, then him snuggling close and kissing my back. the rest as they say is history. He did apologise for the name calling, the general swearing and the aggressive manner he had behaved in; we've got along way to go, but i hope that between us we can make it work, and if we can't then we'll both be able to walk away knowing we did our best. Thanks again to all who wrote in. :) xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): He shouldn't have asked the question if he couldn't handle it like an adult. The name calling was totally wrong.
But at the same time what he feels is understandable. He still has the right to be put off by your actions. These are plain old normal healthy emotions for him no matter how much trouble it might cause for the relationship.
If he cannot put this totally aside pretty soon then his bad feelings will most likely never fade later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): This was me. I feel head over heels, as did she. I thought she was the sweetest most fun girl I had ever met. I guess because we were both so completely in love (at about three months) I guess she felt the need to tell me all about her past, so I would know everything about her. Well, her past deeply upset me. It made me feel physically sick.The funny thing is that I myself had slept with more than a couple promiscuous girls in the past. But guess what, I never cared at all what they did. The only reason it was so upsetting this time, was because I was truly in love. The storries of what she did played in my head like a movie reel, for a long time.She did some crazy stuff, had sex with twice the number I had (which wasn't exactly small). The storries that really bothered me were having sex with people w/ in a hour or so of meeting them in a bathroom of a club, or a closet at a party. She was a slut.Anyway, flash forward a bit. We have been married 20 years, have 3 kids, she has never cheated on me. Some of those very same qualities that led her to that lifestyle - openness, a sense of adventure, laid-back - have let me live a very happy and fun married life (unlike a lot of my friends who married less sluty girls, who are basically a royal pain in the ass).My advice to you? His feelings are real. Having them does not make him a shit head, but rather someone who is In True emotional pain. He probably feels like the rug was pulled out from under him and the room is spinning around! Just keep being the fun girl he fell in love with. Act exactly the same. Don't press him for heavy answers about the future. Let him have his reactions to all this. Try not to get angry with it all (unless he calls you nasty names or is intentionally hurtful). Eventually, he may come around to accept it, as I did, but it may take him months or years. One thing that helped me get thru it all is that my girl expressed to me her remorse for doing it. She said she was just doing what seemed normal at the time, what all her girlfriends were doing, and that it never occurred to her that it would some day very deeply hurt the person she was to fall in love with. Had she known how it would hurt me should would take it all back if she could. Obviously that is Impossible, but her remorse was genuine. I felt she understood how deeply it hurt me. I understand that some people find this hurt irrational, and maybe it is. However, irrational or not, the emotions are very real for your bf. And, if he is like me, the Only rreason it hurts, is because he loves you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I think he needs reassurance youve changed. Be consistent with your ways and make it known its just him you want. Normally, I HATE women who have been with a lot of men as Ive only been with as many as one hand can count thus I feel threatened and very very insecure. The fact u regret most if not all those lads says a lot about ur character and he should realize that. Things r still fresh and hes mad...hopefully he'll calm down after a bit and when that happens, reassure him. Try to stay away for now as hes HOT...approach him when hes calm and ready to speak. Best wishes.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 I'm afraid there are only so many things you can do at this point. He needs to be on his own to think about everything and you need to give him that space because if he sees you without having thought thouroughly about his uneccessary jealousy. I suppose you could try calling him after some time, a couple of days and see if he's cooled off, letting him know that you still love him and that you still want to make this relationship work. From then on, you can only give him time and after a while, if he just does not let things ease, then it would be time for you to move on.
There is still hope that you two can move on from this, he just needs to get that image and the stress of such images out of his system. But I still think he should apologize for calling you a skank. That was uncalled for.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Sorry for calling him a shithead. It was uncalled for, but I've been up all night writing my thesis.
I flew off the handle a little bit myself. I do stick by my post though, just not vociferous tone I used. My apologies.
Retro jealousy is poison and it can be very tough to deal with but there really is no excusing his behaviour and name calling is unacceptable. It can be early sign of an emotional abuser. Be careful here OP and really do stand your ground here, letting him call you names and throw tantrums like a baby when you've done nothing wrong is not the basis for a healthy relationship. He has problems containing his emotions and it's very early on. Most emotionally unstable people can hold off letting their partner see their craziness for a lot longer than that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I'm sorry OP but 2 months in and he's already started this overbearing retro jealousy bullshit, you're screwed. They had your body for a few hours years and years ago, but he has your mind, body and heart. Yet he decides to go nuts, after two months.
That shithead (sorry but he called you a skank) is punishing you based on your past after two months? Really like, is that really acceptable behaviour to you? Forget love for one moment, would you let anyone else treat you that way? When you did absolutely nothing bad to him at all.
I hate to say it to you Forensic@heart but he has some serious emotional issues. You wanna know how many of us guys posting here know the pain of being retro-actively jealous? All of us, the idea that our woman was ever with another man is not necessarily pleasant. But to hold it against that woman, now that's just messed up. That's like tearing up all his clothes because he stole a pencil from someone in class when he was in school. It's uncalled for, unnecessary and if this is what he's like after only two months, this involved and heavy, this unstable emotionally then you really do have a rough ride ahead of you.
I wish you luck because despite this absolutely HUGE red flag, I know you're going to keep trying to make this work out of hope and love. If you do manage to resolve this OP then something else will come up, this guy obviously has a volatile nature. The more comfortable he gets with you and when he sees you're going to let him treat you like this and still come back and try and atone for something when you did absolutely nothing wrong, then I have a feeling it's going to get a hell of a lot worse.
If you want an equal loving partnership/relationship with this guy, then you have to stand your ground on this issue, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! He needs to apologize, not for being jealous but for flying off the handle and under no circumstances are you to allow him to ever call you a name like that again.
My opinion, leave and leave now. Otherwise good luck OP.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 I recommend reading this detailed article and commentary:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (8 October 2010):
At your young age especially, I don't see how this relationship is going to work out. You both simply have very different experiences and views towards sex. There is very little chance he is going to suddenly ever be OK with you having had a threesome. It will haunt him and plague him for what could be many years to come.
Your boyfriend is right, you do need to find someone else more like you. Or at least someone who sees your past sexual experiences as events that shaped who you are as a good thing. There are guys out there like that, but you are also likely to meet this kind of reaction from other men too.
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A
female
reader, Carrie40 +, writes (8 October 2010):
Never ask a question if you can't handle the truth I say.
It is out in the open now. You are still very young with your whole life ahead of you.
I would say....if he cannot accept your past then there is no future. I remember an ex telling me he had a threesome with his ex wife and her friend...I did not like the picture of that and I did feel jealous even though it was none of my business so I can see where he is coming from in a way...but he asked the question and he cannot handle the truth. Give him a time to get his head around it and then if he still cannot handle it..you will both have to cut your losses and move on.
I am sorry you are hurting...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): It might be a case of he sees you are more experienced than him.... and now he feels insecure??
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A
female
reader, Forensic@Heart +, writes (8 October 2010):
Forensic@Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, this does help a little. i used to be promiscuous; but the last two years i've calmed down a lot and just tried to make myself fun yet not easy. i was easy because i was an idiot who thought sex could possibly mean love... i don't wanna lose him and i can accept that the other way round i might feel angry and upset with him but i certainly wouldn't let it effect us. is there any more advice you could give me? like what i should do? he won't tell me he loves me back anymore but did tell me i was still the one.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (8 October 2010):
I doubt he it is something he will fully forget about, but I am sure he will calm down and start thinking rationally, after all, what's done is done, all you can do is make sure your future is better. He sounds a little drastic, as if you have been promiscuous, have you? If not, then I see no reason why he should not calm down and forgive you...if in fact there is something here to forgive but I fail to see the wrong here. You did it back when you were younger, before you met him. It is retroactive jealousy but there is always hope. In my opinion, if he does start thinking clearly, he should be apologizing you to for calling you a 'skank'.
I hope that helps.
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