A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 18 years old an i have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. He comes from a terrible background and i think that is most of where his personality traits result from. He is a crude and an insulting person. He says terrible things like telling me to shut up if i had said something to help him or just making stupid and mean comments about people he doesnt know. But what i dislike about him the most is that he is always saying "I'm just going to kill myself" whether he means or not, he refuses to get help for his problems, although no one in his family would halp if wanted to get help. And also what i dislike too is that if i talk about wanting to go away to college, he will just come back and say "You are just going to find someone else and leave me...and im going to laugh when that happens" he says these things all the time, and sometimes he'll come back and say "i'll fight that guy when you meet him". And i am getting soo sick of it. Yet i do not help the situation by calling him stupid and implying that he is a nobody. But i think i do these things subconsiously to have him break up with me...which that would never happen. We fight a lot and i dont feel any intimacy feelings for him anymore and i feel this dread many time when i am with him, though i love him because i know he can be a good person, but never the person i really want him to be, and i know that is wrong of me to say that. So just want some advice on what i should do???Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Thank you so much for the advice, this is a decison i have to think about, although i know the answer. Thanks so much!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 March 2010):
Like many woman, you're choosing to believe that he can be a 'good person'. No he can't. He's proved he can't. Don't fall into the trap that he will 'change', or be 'caring'. His actions say all, and his actions are saying that he is a controlling, manipulative sneak who treats you like dirt. Get away from him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): I think you should leave the relationship, and not continue to be treated this way by him. If he has had some bad past experiences, then I do sympathise with him. But it is still no excuse to be insulting to somebody. There are lots of people who have been through terrible things in life, and they don't all act the way your boyfriend is acting. And even if he really is unable to control himself, it is still not your responsibility. He may need professional help, but only he can make the decision to get that help. If he is refusing, then nobody else can make him. It has to come from him, and he sounds unwilling to change. That is his decision.
So I don't think the relationship will change at all, as he is not going to change. You say he is a good person, but never really the person you would like him to be. I understand that. The thing is, I don't think he ever will be the person you want him to be. He is how he is. That is the reality. Wishing he could be a bit different won't make that change happen. Nothing will. We are all who we are, no matter what anybody else may want us to be. So I don't think you should stay in the hopes of him changing. You could be waiting a very long time...
If you are so unhappy with him, and would like to leave, then leave. I know it isn't that easy though, but I think it would be the right thing to do, as the way he treats you does concern me. I think it would also be a good idea to let your family and friends know what is going on, so they can support you and keep an eye on the situation, just incase he doesn't take it very well. But you have every right to live a happy life, and if it is not with him, you are entitled to walk away. Only he can be responsible for himself, just as you can be responsible for your own happiness. Take care. x
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 Don't subject yourself to this treatment anymore. No one deserves that. He does not seem like relationship material, and I think he needs to work on improving himself first. You may love him, but he doesn't have to be the be all and end all. There are so many other people out there, and a man who will treat you like a princess is waiting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): My advice to you is that you need to leave this relationship. Your boyfriend's behaviour is rude, childish, and deeply manipulative. He's not taking responsibility for his problems. You are fed up, and have fallen out of love with him. Time to call it quits, girl!
What concerns me is the fact that you seem hesitant. You say you fight all the time, and you dread being with him. The fact that you still have a question about whether or not to leave him suggests to me that he's making constant attacks on your confidence. If you continue to be with him, he will undermine you to the point that you feel that you CANNOT leave and grasp happiness.
Take the example of college. If you have the ability to go to college, you should go! And, as your boyfriend, he should want you to be all you can be, and should be happy for you to go and achieve your dreams. (A really supportive boyfriend would put you first and offer to move with you to keep the relationship together.) At the moment, your boyfriend's attitude is actually holding you back, not just in personal terms, but in life. Don't let him kill your chances at a career as well as your chances at romantic happiness!
Finally, you are not responsible for your boyfriend's depression. However hysterically he reacts, and whatever he threatens, his wellbeing is not your responsibility. He is a grown man, and you are not his mother! It is up to him to sort out the feelings of sadness that he has, in a responsible and adult manner, by seeing a doctor and getting medication or by undergoing psychotherapy, or by simply growing up. Do NOT let him make you feel responsible for solving his pain. That's not your job, or your role in life. (Sorry if I sound strident, but I wasted 15 years on a guy who did this to me, so I feel strongly about this).
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