A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So confused. Plz help. I met my bf 6mnths ago online. He works away and I only see him every 5 wks. When we see each other it is wonderful and very happy, he then goes and we basically just text msg lots every day. When I actually speak to him I feel like I have to rush or that i'm holding him up. Basically every night he is at camp and watching dvds and txting daily but twice now hes completely disappeared for almost 24 hours with no txt, call or anything. He knows im stressed and worried but finally txts that he was out with the boys. I say if you had just told me you were going out I would know not to text. but he just thinks im clingy and needy. This happened on Saturday and he has been weird to me since and his texts are just one word answers. Hes just real distant and I told him as we are only new in this relationship I do expect more than just texts. Am I asking too much? When we first met online we spoke about 4 hours a day, now its maybe 40 minutes a week. He told me im THE ONE and that hes moving back to live in January and then it wont be like this. I love him and want to wait but the lack of communication is making me crazy
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much guys. You've all given me a different perspective. I just spoke to him and he did tell me feels pressured to constantly text back straight away or I start stressing and then text him again asking whats wrong. I wont be doing that anymore. He also said its only till January and then it wont be like this. I just added up how many times I text him today and it was 14 so im a bit shocked and now think im a stalker. Haha. He told me he only wants to be with me and when he did go out those 2 times he purposely left the phone behind as he knew I would text him. I've learnt heaps from your comments, so thank you. Also we did only meet 6 months ago, the first time we spent together was for 3 weeks and was bliss. The second time he took me to a beautiful apartment on a mariner front for a week. Basically every time im with him is heaven, so I find I do want to wait for him. Have never done this long distance stuff. He said dont stress we will be okay. Again. Thank you all, you've saved my sanity. xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): I've been in a few long distance relationships, and yet again I find myself in this position. The two questions I have found useful to think about, and ask him, have been:
- How long will the long distance-ness last for? If it is indefinite and neither of you is prepared to move then kiss the relationship goodbye, because it's not magically going to be all right. If you have got an end date in mind and you are both prepared to make as big an effort as possible to keep things semi-normal before that time then you'll be ok
- What's it like when you spend a lot of time with him over a period of weeks/months? If you don't know then you need to find out. If you haven't ever spent this kind of time with him and there is a forseeable end to the current situation then maybe hang on and reassess things once you're together. If you have spent this kind of time together and it was good then you have already got the information to know whether it is worth sticking with. My second relationship started as long distance for a year, we had a year living in the same place, then the third and final year he was away and I only saw him every three months for a week. A year of LD before we really spent any decent time together meant that neither of us REALLY knew each other, and I think for that reason the relationship lasted for much longer than it would have if we were living in the same place because both of us would have seen much earlier on that it wouldn't work.
A lack of communication is never a great feeling, particularly if he is 'just out with the boys' when you are at home aching to see him. I know that guys think differently from us girls though, no matter how attentive they can make us think they are, and they forget that you are at home on your own while they are having a good time.
That said, it's not too much to expect more than texts, and it shouldn't be too much for him to give them to you. You are perfectly within your right to be and/or feel clingy and needy, and you shouldn't feel like it's you who has got to change. I'm clingy and needy in long distance relationships because they are hard work! You don't have the guy there to reassure you things are ok all the time, you're maybe worried about what he's getting up to without you and it's very natural to want reassurance.
I hope that has been helpful, and if you disagree then that's absolutely ok because that's just my experiences and I do tend to overanalyse things. Good luck - I hope he has txt you already :) If not then xxx
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A
female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (17 August 2010):
You run the risk of scaring him off for good unless you stop chasing him away. Men like women who are sorted, confident. self sufficient. Not women who seem to need them too much. I promise you that if you stop texting and pushing it is much more likely to be OK. You could send a warm joke and a kiss and tell him the texts are stressing you, so could you take a break from them for a couple of days and maybe actually speak to each other in a couple of days instead?
This era of texting makes everyone expect immediate access to each other. For example, you send a text, evaluate how long it takes him to reply, is there a kiss at the end, what is he up to that he hasn’t texted me, he doesn’t care about me, he is getting short with me, I am ruining this.... have you thought all those things? Thanks to texts! I find the text intrusion very annoying myself. Texts give so many opportunities for causing offence. I don’t always WANT to be on tap, I want to shut off and do my own stuff with no interruption.
Do you see what I mean?
Do you feel a pang of fear about letting him go for a couple of days? If so it is true that you probably are being clingy. Feel the fear and do it anyway! I promise you will soon feel much better.
Then after giving yourself a break from the texts for a couple of days, see your friends, get a facial, read a book, see a film, have some fun. He is obviously capable of enjoying himself with his friends without you and would probably like to see that you can be busy and look after your own needs as well. Not only that but you will have some things to talk about that you have done for YOU. This will be much more intriguing to him than continuously asking for his attention.
I hope I have helped, I have done the same as you myself before but the other approach of creating a bit of space actually works, love by suffocation does not.
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A
female
reader, LinzyH +, writes (17 August 2010):
Hi Anon,
You are obviously deeply besotted with this man and I’m sure he feels the same about you. But it is not healthy for either of you to be attached to each other 24:7 you both need to do separate things. He may be feeling slightly over whelmed by your consistent need of him texting or calling all the time. It is healthy to have time apart. When was the last time you went out with a group of friends? You need to talk to him and find out exactly how he's feeling and respect what he tells you. You will find that if time apart from the constant texting and calling will give you both a more longing of wanting to be together.
Hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Ask him what the hell is going on? Or call his bluff and ignore him and switch your phone off, then see what he does
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