A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So i have a really complex situation, and don't know what to do..The problem is my boyfriend has been talking to another girl on skype and facebook. He tells me when he talks to her and what is said. But thats not exactly the truth.See, he gave me a his password when we first started dating (a lil over 2 years ago) cause he needed me to get on his computer on day to send a him paper. I've never used his password for anything else till he said he was talking to this girl "Cecile" and i just had this gut feeling there was more than he was telling me..And i was rightthey started talking on January 1st, 2010-present (though they have talked off and on since september 2009) Cecile is from Italy, and came to our hometown in the USA to visit some friends last summer, about late July 2009, and that is when she met my boyfriend... she has caused problems before, but that is another story... somedays he talks to her more than me (he lives about an hour away at a different college) and ignores my calls when he talks to her, and i know this cause i have his password and check. He lies to me about what he really says and how long they talk. He has told me he jokes about liking her and i got upset and told him people in a serious relation ship don't joke like that. But he was like "its just a joke and i'm telling.." They video chat on Skype a lot, which he says he "doesn't"Yet he loves me and i know he does, he talks about marrying me to his family. And i love so much..though i cannot help to feel he has become attached to this girl. Sometimes he says he has to get off the phone for some reason, and then i find out he got off the phone to talk to Cecile.I just don't know what to do. I can't confront him because I got on his accounts, which i feel bad about. Though if I have not of got on them, i would not know about all this. I love him and want to believe this is all a "joke" but it has gone too farHe's even talking about going o Italy this summer to see Rome! I told him he's not going to Italy and stay with a another girl; he argues it's a trip of a life time since he wouldn't have to pay for lodging/food. I feel torn..my life is like an badly written ironic love bookHere are a few actual messages, not in any order:RYAN: Damn..to bad I'm not there..I would fulfill your desires my queen :)....then I would sleep for 17 hours!! :pCECILE: I will let you sleep before, cos I'm the kind of girl who always wants more...it could be a while before my desires are fulfilled...RYAN: There is so much I want to do with you cecile..I want you so bad!!CECILE: :) don't worry, we'll do everything you want for the next few years... Wish I could be your real girlfriend right now :(CECILE: Ok, for your information, maybe I'm a Italian girl, and MAYBE I'm horny, but, I'm not little! And if you come to italy I'll show you how a italian girl can be when she is horny...!RYAN: Wow Cecile you are turning me on..I want you SOO bad..I love when talk like this..and I can't wait to come to ur house..I think about you every nite..about how sexy you are and all the things that I'm goin to do to you..I want to make you feel soo good Cecile..I can't waitRYAN: Cecile, you make me so happy..I'm so lucky to have a girl like you..ii wish I lived in italy so iit could just be me and you..I don't want Paige..I just need you..you are the girl of my dreams not her..but I can't have you :(*** Paige is me!! my heart sank when i read this ***RYAN: I will never give up on you Cecile..you mean so much to me and I love you too hun..I really do..RYAN: I'm just scared that I will hurt you..that's something I don't want to do hun..I want you to be happy babe..and I fear that you can't be that happy if we r togather cause were so far away from eachother..it makes me very sad..I will never let you go though..you don't have to worry..I'm just thinking out loud..sleep well sweetheart and try and have a good day at school tomorow..well today for you ;)..?RYAN: Cecile..I'm drunk right now..and I just want to be laying next to you..I wish I was there to take care of you..I woud love that more than anything..i know I sound like a dumb ass but that is what I want..I'm sorry for everything I have done to you and how I have hurt you sweetheart...I only want you to be happy cecile..thank you for still being my friend after what I have done to you......its so hard to type you this cause I'm on on my phone!! lol!!! I love you Cecile!! A LOT! Goodnite ?(sorry this is soo long)
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female
reader, florachan888 +, writes (12 March 2010):
I am so glad I found someone in the same situation as me. You would know exactly how I feel. Now I am starting to just get over it because its a sad little thing that he does. He tells me that they don't talk as much as I think they do. I just accept his answer because I don't want to fight with him. He claims that he wont be talking to her till Monday because she won't be on the time he will be on the game. LIES he thinks I'm stupid. They are always talking regardless of the time difference from the US and Holland. He tries to hide his phone away from me and minimize his fairyland windows when I'm near him. I'm standing behind me and I just laugh inside because he is such a bad liar and I just give him a smirk. I was really upset before and I felt like I was betrayed and cheated on (which I basically was). Now I just look over it and let him be the pathetic self he is. Thanks to this site I am now trying to change into a stronger person. I just leave him alone and let him talk to that dirty girl and distance myself from him. I hope by doing that, he will hopefully come to his senses and realize how pathetic he was. Even though I am still confused, I am still confident. I don't believe he would dump me for that slut in Holland. Regardless of how perfect he think she is, He would not risk it because he knows he will never find anyone else that can deal with his problems besides me. I guess time will tell what happens. So feel free to message me anytime.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): Any person that tells you it is a joke that they are talking daily to another person of the opposite sex and are making plans to get together and are sexting each other and invalidates your feelings by telling you to get over it, or that you are being intrusive and controlling is a JOKE.
That person is too narcissistic and immature to be in a real relationship with anyone. They are not interested in relationship, only in getting their narcissistic supply....which means their Ego stroked.
Expect narcissistic rage when you confront them with their own lies and their own bad behavior.
The only way out of this is through....Be through with them for good...Find someone who doesn't want a virtual life but a real one, with YOU
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry Ulick...this is such a terrible/stressful situation, i feel bad for everyone that has gone through it
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow..thats crazy florachann! i can't believe how similar it is.. i guess that means it happens more often than i thought :(
I was trembling too when i first saw the messages, and sick from anixiety for nearly a week; i could barely eat.
I know what you mean when u say u r confused. Ryan tells me it is all joke too! And he doesn't understand if i get upset cause he "told" he talked to her; therefore he isn't "keeping" anything from me.
It's even more confusing when you are in love cause u want to believe, but u know u shouldn't...
i hope everything works for the better for you 3 and u can message me anytime since our problems r so similar, just write on the wall, and i'll message u..GoodLuck
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A
male
reader, ulick  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Dump him. he clearly does not love you from the conversation I have seen and shows little respect for you. Its hard to accept, but thats how it is. I have been in a similar situation where my partner chatted on FB and SKYPE for 6 months untill the dude droped by and they slept together right away.
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A
female
reader, florachan888 +, writes (9 March 2010):
I am dealing with the same exact thing right now. I'm only doing a little bit better because I often ask aunty fiercebadrabbit for help. I am dating my boyfriend for a little over 3 years now and things have just gotten worse. I found out recently that he is always chatting on msn with this girl from holland. They play this game called fairyland together and let me tell u a little abt this girl. She is a slut. Apparently she has an ingame by and also a real life bf. So basically she is already cheating. My bf talks to her literally every single day since he plays that stupid game with her. He denies it and claims that they don't really talk that much. But if they are not playing online then they are chatting on msn. It is ridiculous. I read his chats on fairyland once cuz he left it on by accident and he "whispers" to her these very inappropriate msgs. Whispering is basically chatting in private. But he calls her babe and tells her he 3 her. I confronted him abt it and he says its all just plain joking around and we end up fighting. He got mad at me for looking at his personal things and threatens if I look at it again he will move back home or close his laptop when he's not in the room. I'm so confused right now. Everytime I see him play and type on the game I'm think abt wat he could possibly be saying to her and wat is she saying back. I remember when I first read their chats I was trembling because those things he said to her were suppose to be said to me. For example he tells her " oh its so comfortable talkin to u and I just want to come home all day and talk to u" then he would also say stuff like "ok we can laugh and giggle under the covers" he talks to that damn girl all the time and plays on that gay game all the time with her. Last night while he was downstairs I got a glimpse of his msn chat with her. It turns out that the girl is apologizing for makin him jealous. I was like wtf? I don't want to always fight abt wat is really goin on between him and her. Its so painful. My boyfriend does not talk to me the same way as we have talked before. I even find him lying straight to my face because sometimes he doesn't know that I read his fairyland chats and msn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Ryan doesn't love you. People that love you don't talk badly about you behind your back to anyone, let alone a woman they are cheating on you with. He knows women are competitive, he's pitting the two of you against each other. This is a game and the goal for him is to win it.Him threatening suicide if you left is his attempt to control you and to keep you chained to him. Because he Needs you Paige, but he doesn't want you....and he doesn't have Anything at all to give you. This relationship is ALL about Him and the relationship is terribly one sided, you just can't see it because he has you brainwashed and addicted to him like he is crack cocaine.Snap out of it. It is time to be an adult, it is time to distance yourself and use logic instead of your feelings to see Ryan as he truly is. Trust the professionals. There have been all sorts of studies, research and even brain studies to prove that borderline personality disorder and other Axis II disorders are brain based, there is no cure, sorry Borderlines, it is a fact.If he would go to therapy, he wouldn't stay very long, and he would try to con the therapist. Most therapists won't even work with them because they are manipulative and cruel to the therapists too, and it is a total waste of their energy and time.There is a lot of resources on the net about this that I can point you to, but considering your young age and your lack of relationship experience, I think you are going to need some one on one therapy with a psychologist.Be very careful to pick someone who has dealt with helping those who are the victims of a relationship with an Axix II personality disordered person. After speaking with them, they may tell you otherwise, that they would like to speak to Ryan. What ever, it couldn't hurt to find out the truth from a therapist on your own, then maybe you will believe the truth about him.You couldn't possibly know what he was ahead of time, you aren't a professional, but you need to heed these warning signs or waste years of your life in an abusive relationship. Most wife batters, physical abusers are Borderline, they are often violent. They actually have psychic breaks from reality, often when they are in a rage about something. If you are ever around Ryan when he is verbally attacking you and raging, you are in real danger and you should leave immediately.This disorder is often the very worst for a person around the age of 25, some Borderlines get a little better with age, but they are never like those of us who aren't disordered. There is therapy that can help them to regulate their emotions, but it takes years for them to get any better and it doesn't change their basic character flaws that cause so many problems in their relationships. What is worse is that they have poor judgement, their lives are usually chaoctic and lived very poorly.You seem like a smart girl with a lot to offer. Educate yourself about borderline personality disorder and the other disorders that often go with it. And then get out, it is the only chance you have for a happy life, one with out Ryan in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Paige,
Based on what you are saying that he has a lot of the qualities on the list, and that he is saying he would kill hmself if you died, he is a CLASSIC borderline personality disordered man.
Here is the truth, I mean an absolute truth, if you stay with this man it will lead to inevitable harm to you.
The relationship with him has not played out to it's conclusion, but what will be the final stage of the relationship is when he starts to emotionally abuse you by devaluing you. He will chip away at your spirit, drain your emotional energy and damage you in ways that you have no idea about now. The longer you stay the harder it will be for you to extricate yourself and the more pain you will have to suffer through. He WILL become verbally abusive to you. This usually does not take place until after you move in together, until you become his Primary source of supply for his needs (right now he has the chick in Italy and God knows who else)...but when you do become that, you are going to be miserable, you will feel trapped, betrayed, duped and frightened and devestated.
I don't know why you won't read your own letter here, have your Mom read it or someone who cares about YOU and listen to them tell you to get out while you can.
I have an article on this web site Relationship Red Flags, on there is a link to more information about the kind of relationship that you are in with Ryan. The person who responded also has some links that you really ought to read and then read over and over again until you get it.
The sad reality is that Ryan will NEVER change. Claire will not be the last person that he uses to hurt you with to triangulate this relationship with you. You are looking at a future of pain if you decide to stay. Your health is even at risk because after years of trying to have a rational relationship with an irrational, personality disordered individual, the stress will do very bad things to your body and also your mind and spirit.
I know what I am talking about. A year ago I extricated myself from a two year relationship with what I am sure is a Borderline Personality Disordered Male. I was like you, I didn't know, I believed what he said even though reality was glaring in my face, he was that goood at manipulation and abusing me so covertly that I lost who I was.
I would never wish what I went through on Anyone. I never want to go there again. I have shut this person out of my life permanently and even after we broke up, he would not leave me alone and he lied to me and hurt me again because I mistakenly thought I could be friends with him at least. You can't be friends with these men. Because they never change, and they will hurt you every time given the cance. It's who they are.
If you want to PM me I will give you some more things to read. Screw Ryan, let him jump off a bridge. Save yourself....You deserve so much more, every one does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone 3
And, yes he does have many of the qualities listed by rhythm&blues2 :(
he is really adamant about going to Italy. I kept telling him "NO" (duh..i don't know what he expects?) and this was today!
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But i can't just leave him because I am worried what he may do to himself. He's said to me before that something was to happen to me (for example, say i die in a car crash) he has said he would want to kill himself. He says he loves me so much that he would rather die than be without me... Just last night we were talking, HE was drunk, and said I'm the only reason he stays alive
Now things have gotten even more complicated..I love him, but i am really hurting...And if he did anything to himself, i would feel at blame
so confused.....???
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A
female
reader, kristianna +, writes (7 March 2010):
OMG thats so horrible you know what sweety go and delete that girl from facebook or add her on yours or create a new facebook and add her ..start talkin to her become her friend and get details from her about whatsz happening in her life..in m opinion this girl is a major hoe ..she knows he has a gf but yet he still talks to him in such a way.. your bf is wrong on soo many levels ..stop ttkin to him 4 a few days and wen he ask u whatsz wrong say you found out something about him ..and just tell him that SOMEONE told you about dat girl and its very hurtful..please darling you dont deserve this u sound so sweet and i dont think you need that..if he really loves you he wouldnt be doing this confront him on his actions...I think you should end it. Your bf is very dishonest and untrustworthy ....DUMP that loser ....anyway darling i hope all is well....
PEACE&LOVE --- CHRISTIANNA
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Paige, what concerns me is that you keep writing back about all of this stuff as if it just hasn't sunk in to your head yet that this guy is simply no good.
I want to tell you that you are in danger of a boomerang relationship with this guy, you already have ignored the huge red flag of the gossip mongers from your aunts work, and believed what Ryan "said" instead of what you caught him doing. That tells me that you are a woman with more than her fair share of empathy for others and Ryan has chosen you as an easy target because he knows you are a loyal, loving woman that he can take advantage of.
Ryan is most likely psychopathic, meaning he has a couple of personality disorders that won't allow him to take responsibility for his actions, makes him suprememly self centered, and he uses people to get his needs met, even if it is just ego stroking. He is incapable of feeling any real deep emotions like you and I do, but he is a master at studying people who can feel those emotions and he mirrors them, it is all an act so that he can use you for his purposes. He is an excellent actor and deserves an academy award. He will even cry crocodile tears when confronted, but they are not about hurting you or caring about you, they are out of his sheer frustration of having failed to get away with his agenda. And yeah, guys like Ryan sit around and "plan" their agenda with people in their lives.
I want you to take a look at this long list of behaviors and check off how many of them apply to Ryan.
You need to wrap your head around the fact that the reason you are so stuck on Ryan is because over time he has manipulated and conned you so much and maybe even emotionally torn you down, that you doubt your own sense of reality and you have "normalized" his bad behavior.
The only way to get out of this booomerang trap you are in is to force yourself to rid him from your life forerever. People like Ryan cannot be helped, they cannot change, they cannot grow or learn from their mistakes.
And even though you can't predict how a relationship will go with non personality disordered individuals, you can wth those that do have them. They are pretty much all the same, just different drama, different shoes.
Here is the list:
BEHAVIORS THAT MAY INDICATE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior.
Moody – switches from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation.
Survive on threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them.
They do not take responsibility for their behavior.
They have to be right. They have to win. They have to look good.
Very slow to forgive others. They hang on to resentment.
Unable to sustain a totally faithful relationship with love partner.
Tendency to project their own shortcomings onto the world about them – frequent blaming. Never at fault.
Ready rationalization – rarely at a loss for words – twists conversation to divorce themselves from responsibility.
Glimpses of integrity and emotion are seen – but short-lived. They give you hope that they are changing, but return soon to deviant behavior.
In a trust relationship, inevitably betray and violate their commitments and get blocked emotionally when they get too close to those they say they love.
They have no concept of open sharing of ideas, feelings, emotions. Conversation goes per their direction. They have the last word always.
Can show tenderness of feeling, then return to customary behaviors. Two (or more) vastly different sides to their personality are seen.
They never seem to get enough of what they want. They leave others feeling drained and confused.
Highly contradictory. He loves me, he hates me. They threaten their partner with poverty, then indulge their partner or the relationship.
You end up feeling responsible for the problem. They get to your feelings. No matter what -- they win, you lose.
Attitude of “I’ll meet your needs if you meet mine. If you don’t, I’ll find someone else who will or I will not meet yours.”
They are so skilled at making a mountain out of a molehill, and you become so tired of the conflict. It drains all of your energy, love and hope.
Emotional immaturity. Behavior is not age appropriate.
Self-centeredness. They come first and foremost. Are insincere about real interest in other people.
Little if any remorse for mistakes
Poor judgment
Unreliability, undependability, irresponsibility
Inability to profit from experience – does not learn a lesson from making mistakes
Inability to postpone immediate gratification – what they want, they want now. Impulsive and demanding
Conflict with, or defiance of, authority
Lack of appreciation for the consequences of their actions
Little if any conscience
Behavior develops little sense of direction – often uninfluenced by concepts of right and wrong
Gives lip service to professed values and beliefs
Often involved with illegal or unethical acts
Shallow interpersonal skills – inability to experience and verbalize deep feelings and emotions. Often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Cannot identify with how others feel.
Ability to put up a good front to impress and exploit others
Can con to get what they want to meet their needs, often at the expense of others
The behavior is highly repetitious and many people are used.
They see others as pawns on a chess board. Maneuver people around for their own purposes. When done with others, they checkmate or reject them.
When they are trapped, they just keep talking or change the subject, or get angry.
Incapable of maintaining genuine loyalties to any person, group, or code
Chronic lying
Does/did poorly in school with attendance, grades, attitudes, and relationships with teachers. Was in conflict with parents over school performance.
Chip on shoulder attitude – cocky and arrogant
Rebellious to parents’ authority. Violates standards of the home frequently.
They cancel commitments without sound reason or warning.
They use friends for money, transportation, favors, time, attention, etc.
A taker – not a giver. They give for show and expect something in return.
They live life by avoiding responsibility vs. getting the job done.
Poor self-motivation – often described as lazy and listless. Lack ambition. Not helpful with routine chores.
Fun is the cornerstone of their lives.
Sexually curious or active. Place great importance on their sexual abilities. Sexual partners often feel used and demanded of.
Lack well-defined values.
They come across initially as caring and understanding and read others "like a book" because they make it their business to know how to maneuver people.
Angry mood most of the time.
They use sex to control, cover their insecurity or make up after a fight.
Poor planner with time and activity
Excessively concerned with personal appearance; e.g., hair, weight, the car they drive, clothes, having money to flash, career dreaming
Seem to enjoy disturbing others. Like to agitate and disrupt for no apparent reason.
Feel entitled to the good life without working for it.
Others get upset when in their presence. There’s a feeling of guardedness, caution, and suspicion that they create in others.
Poor work history – quitting, being fired, interpersonal conflicts
They repeatedly fail to honor financial obligations. Do not pay the bills in a responsible and timely way.
Flirtatious, overly friendly. They make inappropriate sexual comments.
They seldom express appreciation. Again, they are thinking of their needs not the needs of others.
Grandiose. Convinced that they know more than other people and are correct and right in almost all they say and do..
Clueless as to how they come across to others and to how they are viewed. They get defensive when confronted with their behavior. Never their fault. May be apologetic and seem sincere, but soon repeat the offensive behavior without appearing to have learned from it.
Motive for behavior is usually self-serving, and they do not recognize it.
Can get very emotional, even tearful, but behavior is more about show or frustration rather than contrition or sorrow.
They break their partner's spirit to keep them dependent.
Sabotage anything that makes their partner happy. Want partner to be happy only through them and to have few or no outside interests, friends or relationships with family.
They are always working somebody over – either subtly or aggressively - for a favor, deal, break, freebie, discount, etc.
Double standard. They're free to do their thing, but expect others to be what they want them to be, do what they want them to do. They don't let others be themselves.
Convincing. Successful at getting other people to believe in their perception of a problem. Are adamant that people side with them vs. allowing people to feel or believe differently.
They hide who they really are from everyone. No one knows the real person inside.
They scorn everyone and everything that they disagree with. They do not allow for differences to be respected and they scorn the responsible world.
Difficult to pin them down to a certain level of integrity that you can live with. They resist all efforts to define their values, behaviors, standards.
Kind to you usually only if they are getting from you what they want.
They announce, not discuss. They tell, not ask.
They do not discuss openly beforehand. You get to deal with after the fact information.
They control money of others but spend freely on themselves and others.
They win at the expense of your feelings. They think only of the end result without considering your feelings or needs in the process.
Unilateral condition of, "I’m OK and justified, so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas."
The hurt they describe is because they got caught, or they're mad that you’re mad, and not because they believe they made a mistake.
Secret life. You’re often wondering what they do or who they are that you don’t know about.
They always feel misunderstood.
Most of the time you feel miserable living with this person. When it’s good, you relish the peace, but that is usually short lived.
Are usually through listening once they've made their arguments.
You talk about their feelings, not yours.
Unchallenged by others because people seem to be put off by them, afraid of them, or they are elusive.
Are not interested in problem-solving openly.
Seem very interested in discerning personalities, so that they can strategize how to manipulate them.
They determine how, when, where we talk, and about what they want to talk about.
Pervasively insecure. Covers it by over-talking, over-controlling, or over-indulging, but seldom if ever owns and works through his insecurity.
Labels all mental health providers as quacks if he cannot out-smart them or if they figure him out. Does not last long in therapy.
Try this one: ask him what behaviors or attributes he needs to overcome or change.
Expect denial or a lot of rambling words that mean nothing.
Expect narcissistic rage if called on his behavior.
Remember that he can only love one person at a time – and that person is himself.
Poor listener. Easily distracted and avoidant. Changes the subject. Cannot reflect back with sincerity on what the other person has said.
When he’s with people, the presentation is Here I am rather than there you are.
The underlying attitudes are like the guy who says to his girlfriend (after he’s been talking excessively about himself), “Oh, enough about me. What do you think about me?”
The ultimate goal is to have power over others.
They are the bad boys of our societies. Women are charmed by their slick words and looks, compliments and wild edge lifestyle. Women often divorce them and then remarry another character disordered person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Readers, I know exactly how this is going to result in: she's going to confront him, knowing of his manipulative ways, he's going to make Paige feel bad, and she's gonna take him back. Paige, the evidence is right in FRONT of you, what is there to be skeptical about, your emotions speaks for itself. Be a strong woman and leave his TRIFLIN ASS!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Hello there, I think you know what you should do. Rumors aren't always true- what your aunt heard could have been flawed, it could have been a different Ryan etc etc however the text conversations that you have pasted show you without a shadow of a doubt how he feels about you and how much he respects you. I don't believe it was easy for you to read all those messages he sent her but I think in the long run it was for the best. Clearly, Ryan does not love you and is only with you because Cecile is not near enough for him to be around. I personally think that he is in love with the idea of her: he hasn't had a relationship with her, he has not spent enough time with her to see her flaws and he has only been around her when she has been visiting the states on holiday at a time when she would always have been happy and bubbly (who isn't when they are on holiday). It is so easy to fall in love with someone who you only see the good side off. With you and him , things are different. You are in a rela relationship, the fun has died down, you work and go to school and I'm guessing he does as well. Your relationship is based on the daily grind. Which he obviously isn't mature enough to appreciate and understand. Best thing to do is to leave him with his idealised version of love with a girl who lives on an entirely different continent. I think he will realise soon enough what a complete imbecile he is when it dawns on him that he left a real life girlfriend for a couple of words on a screen.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Oh my gosh. How awful for you! I know everyone has given you such good, helpful advice and opinions, but here's mine as well :)You've got to leave him sweetie. Whether or not he did actually kiss her and whether he will actually have sex with her is irrelevent. You have seen these messages, you know what a dirty, lying, cheat he is! OK so he might still love you and want to marry you and he might be lying to this girl, telling her all the right things so that she will sleep with him when he goes to stay at her house for a free holiday. But do you really want to be with the kind of man that would do that? If he can do this now, imagine what he'll be like when you're married. He's out for anything he can get. He's stringing two girls along and I bet he's loving it! I bet it's a real ego boost for him!He says that they are just friends to you, but what kind of friend says "Wow Cecile you are turning me on..I want you SOO bad..I love when talk like this" ?? He's lying to your face!You deserve someone who will be true to you, and will NEVER cheat on you, even in the bad times. I think when you truly love someone you would not want to bring them the pain of cheating on them. I would rather leave than cheat on, or be cheated on by my partner. If he truly loved you then he wouldn't do that!I like Aunty BimBim's idea. Print off some of the messages he sent her. Give them to him and walk away. Don't allow him the change to talk back to you about invading his privacy. Write at the bottom something like, "I had my suspicions. It's over." Maybe just post it to him and cut all contact. It will be hard but it's the best thing you can do. There are good guy out there :) Good luck finding one!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): I found out that my boyfriend was cheating the same way... And the sickness I felt when I was reading them was unimaginable...I feel really sorry for you and hope we can both get past this... Stop talking to him... If you don't want to admit that you know all about it then just tell him its over because you don't feel the same, he's been lying to you, there's no reason you have to be honest with him...Good luck what ever you choose
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike i said in my original question, This is not the first time i've had a problem with hersee last summer when she came to america with a friend, Ryan told me he meet two italian girls blah blah Well that whole week, he blew me off and cancelled our plans. He would tell he was tired, which i understood since i was working 10-12 hr daysbut I guess he was actually hanging out with them with one of his guy friends. To make this short, the mother of the American girl the Italians were staying with, works with my aunt, and was talking at work about how Cecile really likes this Ryan guy. My Aunt over hears and starts asking questions, to find out it WAS my boyfriend. Cecile said he kissed her...So news went from my aunt, uncle, my mom, then my dad, to me..Ryan told me it wasn't true, and i gave him the beneifit of a doubt...he promised it wasn't true, saying how much he loves me. I just thought "If a guy is going to cheat, they'd try more than a kiss" but he's never really stopped talking to her...and he knows how much i dislike her
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u everyone 3 u all make good points and very supportive. i do like Aunty BimBim's idea of him choking on spaghetti lol---I know sooner or later, I am going to have to confront him..My trust is gone, when he is with me, i wonder if he's thinking of her.He has no idea i have his password, plus like 3 weeks ago he told me he changed the password on his laptop so i couldn't get on. I just said "ok? why do u even think i would get on yours"...just more evidence he doesn't want me to see what's on it
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): One word....LIAR, and you can't trust a liar.
If he stops with her it will be someone else later on. Leave him now! He is totally playing you and will try and play you when/if you confront him. He obviously can't care about you and deep down you must know that! Don't live in denial, it's only wasting your precious time that you could be spending with someone who DOES care!!! He clearly shows this in his messages to her, CLEARLY!!!
Be strong to yourself and don't worry about anyone else!!
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Im sorry, he is cheating, I would hate to be in your shoes and reading those chats, maybe you should just print a few off and hand them to him as a dear john letter, you deserve so much better than this cheater
tell him to shove off the Italy and that you hope the spagett chokes him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Here you are concerned that you have no right to know this information because you used his passwords to look up his account and read all this communication between him and Cecile which he told you he was doing, talking to her.
It almost sounds too much like a set up to me, like he really didn't expect you to look but maybe he didn't care if you did because then he could turn his bad behavior into your fault and then escape the blame for it all...If you weren't such a nosey, contolling bitch....
He sounds like the kind of guy who is manipulative like that.
You are with a bad guy, a bad person. Feel happy that you were smart enough to listen to your gut instincts that yo couldn't trust Ryan farther than you could throw him. I bet he is oh so charming with you though, right? A real Casanova, all sweet to you when he wants something from you....Am I wrong here?
You need to get away from him, he's bad news and be glad that Cecile has to be the one to deal with his lies and nonsense. They are stroking each other and yeah they'll get together and have sex. He really is using her too, it sounds like...he wants a free stay in Italy, the trip of a lifetime. Do you see how self centered and selfish Ryan really is?
He's not worth the scum on the bottom of your shoe. Tell him you know, you've read his conversations with Cecile and that you want him to get out of your life and stay out. You can't even be friends with a guy like Ryan.
Get the crud out of your life. Reading this makes me want to go take a shower.
You dodged a big ol bullet here my dear.
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reader, veronika +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Oookay.
First off, saying he loves you and *actually* loving you are two different things. He may say he loves you and blah blah blah, but SURELY these messages are a big, fat red flag for you?
This guy is not worth the time you're spending on him. He clearly wants to be with Cecile. Let's be honest about that.
If I were you, I wouldn't put up with this. I'd be out of there. The proof that he's a jerk is in the messages and the lying.
Get out of there! I wish I could say things can be worked through, but he seems waaay too absorbed in Cecile for any headway to be made. Find someone who actually loves you, not someone who says they do but sneaks around your back.
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reader, Helloo62 +, writes (7 March 2010):
Oh my. That is terrible! Im so sorry! Youve been dating for a little over two years?
I agree with the other comment. Confront him. And I would say... leave him. It may be hard but its the best thing.
Im sure you will find someone way better than him! If you want to talk, or vent. Just message me.
I hope all is well for you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't understand his behavior..why would he do this and talk to her? when he talks about marrying me? he's even bought cruise tickets for us in may
why would a man invest so much time & money in me if he doesn't want me?
...but then again, maybe he's staying with me to be safe, since Cecile is in Italy and i'm here
I know i don't deserve this type of treatment, no man or woman does
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answer, sunnycomet
I worry the same thing if he goes to Italy. He says she is just a friend and i should trust him..but he doesn't know that i know what he really talks about to her. I always say "I bet this Italian girl like you, Ryan" just to see what he says, and he replies "No, she doesn't, blah blah blah"...I KNOW if he goes to Italy she will want to have sex, that is very clear
it has been very hard trying to balance this with my college, i come home everyday to their new messages/ conversations...and it hurts. Its hard to focus and i know my grade r being affected :/
I love him, i really do..its hard to think about leaving when i thought i found the one.
Yet i feel that is what is going to happen
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): This guy is an obvious NO. I have had the same problem with a guy and i just put it off saying that they are just kidding. But the sad truth is that sometimes when you like someone you look past their flaws.....witch is usually a good thing but in this case it is not.
As much as i hate saying this and i know how it hurts...you need to dump him. If he is treating you that way and lying he does not deserve someone like you. You deserve better.
I know with thinking this you feel used and hurt but i just hope people dont get as hurt as i did.
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reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 I know you don`t want to hear this....and I will try to be gentle about it.
He is cheating on you.
He wrote that he doesn`t want you....he wants her.
If he goes to Italy he will have sex with her.
He does not love you.
I`m sorry, you must be in so much pain.
My advice is to confront him. Then dump him. And stay away from him. Avoid all contact. I`m here if you need to talk.
Good luck
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