A
female
age
41-50,
*iana80
writes:My issue is confusing me. I'm absolutely head over heals for this guy at work, but he has a girlfriend. Truth is he has been with this girl almost 2 yrs and he complains about her every single day to me. I'm sure he cares about her, but he has just moved in with her 4 months ago due to flatmates leaving. He wishes he hadn't as he's finding it harder now to get out if his relationship.Three months ago he fell for me, confessed about how he felt for me for months, but he never thought I was interested! Anyway, we always go on lunches together and spend an hour or so after work together, but then he has to rush back to home.I really want your opinion about how I should go about with this, please understand that I really and truly adore this man. I've told him and he adores me back, but he cannot touch me, or see me outside work for dinner, etc, as he feels it's horrible to his girl, which I agree. But if he can't take his eyes off me and gets severely jealous of other guys talking to me then why won't he pack up, move out, and just be with me? Is he afraid? Is there a way I can have him all for myself some day? I must admit the day I stopped giving him attention and didn't let him hug me it drove him mad and made him tell me all these crazy things about how much he adores me and wants to be with me! Then the next day, just as I thought I had won him, he switched back again :(What do you think I should do? We see each other every day in the office so I cannot avoid him. Im a heartbroken lovestruck 31 yr old.
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female
reader, Diana80 +, writes (30 January 2011):
Diana80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKristina thanks I am so happy u are in the same situation as it's really hard to explain how it feels, we liked eachother for 6 months but only really fell for eachother 3 months ago I never even knew he had a girlfriend. Please let me know what happens with you too.
I told him I can't be the other person..and he has been soooo depressed since. He's getting more jealous as I'm always out on lunch with other workmates. He knows how I feel for him i told him i fell in love with him but we both know it's not fair on anyone to have a three way relationship. So I've stepped back and let him have his space to think about his relationship
He's with her because its comfortable. He has low rent, she bought him a pc, a nintendo, cable tv with all options even a coffee machine all in 4 months! She obviously is trying to buy him.. They don't even sleep with eachother!! I've been in love before and this is definitely the same feeling but even more intense because we feel we can't have eachother. I know u guys call this emotional cheating but props to him as usually a cheater would have at least try to sleep with me... I will go about searching for other fish in the sea, single ones of course :) I'll let u know what this man decides to do though, he will realise he misses me and no I won't go running back unless he leaves her!!
A
female
reader, kristina kumar  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 Hi, I'm in exactly the same situation right now, however I've been with him 5months, worked together for 2years and we are sort of best friends that fuck that's how he's sees it but in the other hand we love eachother A LOT! Its very hard to find someone you love and want so much but then again there's plenty more fish in the sea,I think you just talk to him about how you feel and then back off a tiny bit see how much he really does care then he'll start to realise how he misses you and needs you its working for me right now try it! I'd like to hear how you get on good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): KilCardy, not sure anyone here said the male has no responsibility in this situation.....
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A
female
reader, Diana80 +, writes (27 January 2011):
Diana80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone thank you for all your thoughts I am overwhelmed by the response to my question!! I gave him the ultimatum and said that I cannot hang around waiting for him to end his relationship because it will NEVER end, hes far too comfortable. Hes attached to her as she wears the trousers and he's not man enough to pack up and leave. If he's miserable with her he can be miserable alone. He told me he never loved her as hes been hurt by love before and thought he'd never love again so he ended up with this woman. Well after deep thought I believe thats all rubbish and that if it was true love what we had he would have ended it with her a long time ago. Maybe you're right, I'm stroking his ego with my attention. All the guys at work try and flirt with me and maybe he feels as if he won me! But come 6:30pm he forgets about me! I know for a fact that he's going to come running back but unless he makes a drastic decision I'm moving on. The anonymous lady other commenters are upset with I still appreciate your thoughts thank you all
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (27 January 2011):
To female reader anonymous who thinks it's ok for other women to intefere with committed relationships on the theory that the intruder has no responsibility to the married woman or girlfriend -- I say nonsense!! I heard this same argument on television yesterday and the reaction was the same as mine -- you're kidding, right? People have responsibilities as decent human beings and as members of society to do the right thing. To simply avert one's eyes to one's participation in a wrong is selfish and irresponsible. I'm not saying the OP who posted the question has done anything wrong at this stage of the game. In fact, most Aunts and Uncles are trying to wave her off of this guy who is nothing but a dirtbag. The point I'm trying to make -- and one that I think is important to make -- is that if more people considered their responsibilities as grown men and women, a good portion of the cheating and running around that goes on -- with all of its attendant pain and destruction -- wouldn't happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Ask him what's wrong with him, if he wants you so much why doesn't he end his relationship with his girlfriend? then once you have his answers figure out what to do about it.Ask him how he justifies cheating, doesn't he think it's wrong? Make him feel guilty for cheating, that's why he has to choose between you and his present girlfriend.so who will he choose - his relationship that he dislikes so much and has so many complaints about, or a chance for something better with you?since he gets jealous if you talk to other guys, you should make him more jealous. Start casually dating other guys, tell him that hey he's not committed to you and you can't wait on someone who will never be committed to you so you're in the process of moving on. If however he were to leave his girlfriend and start somethign real with you, then you'll stop seeing other guys. Fair is fair, right?right now he's got a safety net of his relationship that he doesn't even like, while he wants to be with you.if he's too scared to leave his relationship, encourage him to grow a pair and be a man and do the difficult task of breaking up with someone he doesn't like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): The reason he hasn't left his gf is because everyone (such as those who post comments here) say it's "wrong" to leave your partner for someone else!Thus, how can he leave her, he will be condemned if he does.he is in a "dmaned if you do damned if you don't" situation.If he leaves her because he wants you I'm sure everyone here will be shouting to the heavens how wrong that is, he should stay with her!Yet if he stays with her, as he's doing, everyone here is still shouting to the high heavens how wrong that is because he's obviously in love with you!therefore, he is trapped in a relationship he dislikes. because he can't leave or it will be made into a crime against humanity or something. (and yes I've known guys who were like this and got trapped into marriages that they hate and end up having affairs cos they hate their marriages but are not allowed to leave or everyone will condemn them for leaving)And I don't know why people here are blaming you, as if you are directly harming his gf. He's the one who is supposed to be committed to her but isn't, she is not your responsibility. You have nothing to do with her. She should be hurt and angry that her boyfriend is cheating on her. But that is a problem with HIM, not with you. Do people honestly think that if only you didn't meet him, that him and her would be all rosy and happily ever after and you and you alone destroyed her life? please.And has anyone considered why he dislikes his relationship so much? perhaps his girlfriend is just a not very nice person to be around. Perhaps she mistreats him or takes advantage of him. "the other woman" always gets blamed, unfortunately. Even though it's the man who is breaking a commitment, not you.But anyway, I think you should just ask him why he doesn't leave his girlfriend. And be prepared to move on from him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): IM sorry, but I just dont understand how you would allow yourself to be in a situation in which you have fallen for an already taken man? I try to leave positive advice on this column, but as a woman who has had women come onto my spouse knowing full well he was in a commited realtionship, I must speak my piece here. Step back and find someone that is actually avaliable. Why don't you think about the other woman that is involved and how she could be hurt by your selfishness and decisions. Sorry but I had to speak my piece. Ive seen the hurt caused by the selfishness of infidelity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): the truth is men will very very rarely actually leave ther partners for somebody us. i understand you care for this man, and im sure he cares for you. but what you two are doing isnt fair. this man is thriving off this ego boost and you can do better. is he married to his girlfriend? do they have children keeping them together? if the answer is no, then he really cant dislike his relationship as much as hes making out.
i have been a 3 year relationship and my boyfriend has a quick ecounter with another women, just kissing and texting and we have over come this. he would have never left me for her, it was meerly to smooth his male ego!
please find a better man, that isnt already taken and that you can have all to yourself!
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (26 January 2011):
I think you need to step back and assess this situation. Unfortunately, you're already in deep -- and you work together -- which can be very difficult if it becomes necessary to move on.
It seems to me that this guy wants his cake and eat it too. Additionally, and most importantly, he's a cheater. He has even acknowledged that developing a relationship with you (which is what he has done at least on an emotional level) is a horrible way to treat his gf. So, what he'll do with you, he'll do to you. You have to keep that in the front of your mind. This guy is not all that. If he wanted to get out of the relationship he is currently in, then he would. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. He's not afraid. He simply doesn't want that. He likes having his gf at home, and he likes having an ego-boost at work (that would be you).
He's not married. So, you can give him an ultimatum -- ask him to move out of his gf's flat and make the relationship with you legitimate or he can forget it.
But, I think you really want to take a step back and ask yourself if you really want to be with this guy. You've seen how he treats his gf. Pretty shitty, don't ya think? That could be you next. Can you imagine that psycho drama occurring while you work with the guy and have to see him daily? And, while the love chemicals in your head are currently clouding your reality, you really don't want to start something at work with your eyes wide shut. Proceed with extreme caution.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Talk is cheap and this guy is all talk. Listen to these aunts/uncles they will all be telling you the same thing. Wise up Chickie or you'll be in for a world of hurt.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 There is one simple rule when it comes to men/women who are married or with a long term partner - they will never leave their partner for the person on the side.
That is pretty much it, end of story. What you need to get into your head is that he is NEVER going to leave his girlfriend for you, EVER. He has no intention of leaving his girlfriend and you will never have him all for yourself.
While he is not physically cheating, he is having an emotional affair with you and that is just as bad, if not worse than physical cheating. You are giving him something emotionally that his girlfriend is not, however whatever 'it' is doesnt have a strong enough hold on him to make him want to leave. You ask why he cant pack up and leave - he simply does not want to. He loves his girlfriend, moved in with her and is pretty happy with her. He is cheating on her emotionally, and there will be reasons for this, but they are his own issues - not because of you. You could be anyone, he could fall for any girl and have a similar affair to what you are having now - it really isnt about you, it is just whatever issues he has in his life which are making him do this.
He quite clearly has the syndrome where he doesnt want you, but doesnt want anyone else to have you either. He likes the attention from you, and doesnt want it to stop therefore he acts all jealous to keep you hanging on and to keep your feelings strong for him. He will complain about his girlfriend, which he knows gives you hope that they are not happy and will split up. He will feed you lines like "I only moved in with her because my flatmates moved out".
You need to open your eyes and wise up to this guy and his games - he is feeding you lines and keeping you dangling on a string for his own amusement and pleasure. Look at the flatmate example - if that were really true, he could have found other friends to move in with, he could have found somewhere to live alone, or he could have found a new houseshare. But what did he CHOOSE to do - make a massive commitment to his girlfriend and move in with her. There are ways out of any relationship and any situation, and he CHOSE to be with her. There was no-one forcing him, this was what he WANTED.
You are lapping all of his rubbish up because it gives you hope, hope that you can have him for yourself one day. But he has no intention of this ever happening - he is just using you for his pleasure. You are like his daily caffine fix - you pick him up when he is feeling down, you are there for him every day, you are pretty much just his 'work wife' and then he goes home to his real love. You are there during the day when he wants some attention, and his girlfriend takes over at night/weekends.
I am really sorry that you have gotten into this situation, I know it must be really hard for you and when someone claims to love you, it is hard to believe it is all rubbish. But he loves his girlfriend, and what he feels for you is just a warm feeling when he gets lots of attention from you.
What you need to do is put an end to this, now. Tell him it is over - you are not playing any part in this game anymore. Tell him that he is in a relationship with one woman and he cannot have two on the go at the same time, therefore you are taking control of the situation and ending things. Ask that he does not contact you anymore unless it is at work with regards to a work related topic. Anything else will be inappropriate and you will take action to stop him from contacting you.
Then you need to stay strong - dont listen to him begging to have another chance, or if he says he will leave her (he wont), or if he says you are all he needs blah blah blah - it is all nonsense and you would end up in the same situation as the other day when you stopped giving him attention and he came crawling back, only for him to go back to normal. He wont change, his words are meaningless and you have to be strong now, for your own sake. Delete his mobile number, facebook, email address etc so you cannot contact him when you are feeling low. Only speak to him if neccessary at work and leave it at that.
It is for your own good to stop this now - you are the only person who will get hurt here.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 January 2011):
The point is, why hasn't he left this woman for you? You asked that yourself. And you were right to.
No matter how much you love this man, if he will not leave his girlfriend, then there is no relationship to even bother with.
So, perhaps you need to question whether he does really love you or not. This sounds more like something that it based upon lust for him, and nothing else.
I would look to end it. I don't see it going anywhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): I don't think you should win him over. I mean it sounds like you kinda already have! The ball is in his court now. If he really loves you, he should be the one to make the decision of moving out of his present realtionship to be with you.
Still, I'd have some trust issues towards someone who's ready to dump his girl of 2yrs over somebody else (nothing personal, I'm sure you are an incredible girl). I mean, what if he did the same thing to you in 2 years? What if he ran away with somebody else instad of facing your realtionship issues? Just wondering...
Anyway, I'd say you wait and see what he's actually willing to do for you. Good luck!
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