A
male
age
51-59,
*DW
writes:I have this dilemma. I think I know the answer, I think I know what's right. But, damn. I really need some some brutal honesty. I have been dating this 45 year old woman for over 18 months. She has 3 boys, I have 2 boys. Started as long distance, I moved to another state with her to be with her. Leased a huge home to accommodate a large family. To net it out. She has moved out. Throughout our relationship she always had issues with my relationship with my boys. I'm a good dad. I take care of my boys. I don't cater to, or kiss their butt. I could always do a better job parenting. But since my divorce, which I have full custody of the boys, my parenting skills diminished because the boys and I were just hurting. So I would let them stay up later than normal and let them do things that I normally would not have let them do, or lackadaisical on. This lady I am seeing, thinks if not all the priority is given to her, there is something wrong. She thinks it teaches the boys to be independent if you show that the priority is on your girlfriend/relationship than them. I disagree. Maybe when your married, and as a family. But a divorce changes the game somewhat in my opinion. So, she moves out. And we are still seeing each other. I just returned from over-seas from a business trip. I go to her new home, help her move, set things up, repair things, yard work for her, take her out to eat, and help her set up her business cards, banners, etc.. for her new job. She talks about how much she loves me, wants to marry me, makes love to me, and we have a great time in 4 days of bliss. Then today, I'm talking to her about my boys. She goes on a tirade about how she wants to be in someones life where she is the only one in the room, I don't make room for her in my life. She tells me to F-Off, F-you, compares me to her loser ex husband who is 6 payments behind on child support, and alimony payments. Will not insure his boys, or even see his boys.She actually compares me to him. But, he made a lot of time for her she tells me. Obviously, they are divorced. Something must have worked real well I'm assuming. Just this morning we were speaking about our boys. I told her its my responsibility as a father to ensure my boys can launch for success when they graduate school. Same with her boys. She has a special needs son as well that is not yet a teenager. The others are an 18 year old who requires more years of school to graduate, and a 21 year old still living at home that hasn't graduated high school, and works at locally, full time. She literally is toxic when it comes to something that suggest she is not the center of your universe. She tells me one of the reasons she fell in love with me was because of me being a good dad. THen she says, in the way of yelling: that All I talk about are my boys. The boys are all I care about. If talked only about my boys I realize something is wrong with that. But I can bring them up any time of day and she gets flustered. Most all of our arguments have been over our boys. Almost all of them. So, is it me...or when someone is a mother, shouldn't they understand that children do come first. Doesn't mean that she isn't a priority, it just means that we have to take care of our kids to a certain point. We can't just unplug and expect them to turn out great, learn everything on their own, they need guidance still. Am I wrong? I love her, but she wants everything to be about her. Advice....please
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): Thank you auntyem. Yes, I am confused. All the great advice from
Everyone on DC. There is part of me that thinks, maybe it's from being in a bad divorce, maybe it's from how her parents treated her which is always brought up, how screwed up her marriage was, how she is burned out on kids from having a special needs don that historically required 24 x 7 supervision, how she homeschooled her boys and never had an ounce of help from her ex. So many things I can blame on why she responds to things the way she does. But she is 45. Change is something that doesn't come easily, and as you stated. I'm fooling myself if I think it would be much different. Perhaps if my children were older, and it were just the two of us to focus on. Obviously that's not the case. I am banging my head on the wall trying to figure out a way. But my boys are the priority. I see that.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 If you love her then maybe you just have to suck up her bad behaviour, since there seems to be so much nit picking going on and quite frankly, it's impossible for any of the lovely aunts here on DC to find a solution to each indiscretion.
When all is said and done, you either 'put up and shut up' or you leave the stage, there is no perfect answer.
I agree with Batissta, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH, you have to look at the BIG PICTURE.
So many arguments, so many things that annoy you, so much that does not suit you.
If you really want a solution, you need to weigh the good against the bad and base you choices on that.
If you think you can change her, you are fooling yourself...and if you think she is going to change...you are fooling yourself twice over...
No wonder you are so confused...here's the news my friend...SO ARE WE!!
:-)
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (3 August 2012):
Hey OP
You've already had some excellent advice here, and there isn't much I can add. However, I would say that you seem to have come to the right conclusions of your own accord- you should move back to Texas, to your friends, family and most importantly, where your sons want to be. You already know this, and you also appreciate that the jealousy over boys may well be insurmountable.
I think you need to stop investing- emotionally and financially- in this relationship, no matter how much you love this woman. From my own experience, I don't think love is always enough.
Good luck OP, and keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, BDW +, writes (3 August 2012):
BDW is verified as being by the original poster of the question HoneyPie. Thank you for the response. I did plan with her when I wanted to bring my son in. I asked, sometimes I waited until the week before, because I was honestly not looking forward to the discussion because it generally was the catalyst for an argument about bringing my son in. She made a lot of comments about when my son is in it's about what he wants, and not what her kids want. Its about catering to my boys. I know I would always look for places to eat that we could all enjoy. I volunteered places where we could all enjoy in the activity, bowling, laser tag, food, whatever. We don't have a ton of choices. I made efforts to appease everyone. It never seems like enough though. One of the big points of contention right now is not only kids. Her ex stopped paying child support and his alimony. She has a 21 year old working at McDonalds, an 18 year old that is a junior in high scool according to his credits, and a very sweet special needs son that is 13, but needs supervision. She moved out with her ex stopping to pay child support. For most of her 22 years she was a stay at home mom. However she is a licensed esethetician, and a very good one. So she has some saving from her divorce, but no income without her ex paying what he is supposed to. She has stated multiple times that she isn't independent and needs someone to take care of her, and help. I paid to help her start up her business with the chemicals she needs to do so, I have done as much as I can and whatever I can to help financially, whatever is needed. She has been out money on her attorney. I promised to help her with her attorney's fee's, but I paid for us to go on an expensive vacation, and while on the vacation we had a scooter wreck and I had to pay for the scooter, and our medical expenses being on an island. Not cheap to say the least. So she throws this at me constantly. I know she is under stress because expenses, I've told her not to worry. I paid for her move, for workers to help her move. I went to the store for her and loaded up on groceries so she didn't have to worry about it when she got off work. I went to her new house and mulched her flowerbeds, put up an awning in the back of her house, helped do whatever was needed... I've talked to her about my boys being the priority, but that doesn't mean she isn't. It just means that our children come first. I would expect nothing less from her, meaning, I want her kids to come first too. My boys want to move back to Dallas, close to my family, somewhere I could spend more time with them, bring the boys back together. I'm still in TN, and the only reason I'm here is because of her. I'm in a house alone with my 15 year old. My 12 year old is in Dallas with his mom, wanting to be back with his dad and brother again. My family is there, friends, and more job opportunity for me. Even though I have a great job and can live where I want and make good money. I honestly would like to move back to Dallas now, and keep a long distance relationship with her. Focus on our boys, seek counseling, and see where it goes. But, based on all the feedback, don't know if that's a good idea. Would it be worth it? Is it true that Love can overcome. But at what cost? I can't sacrifice the relationship with my boys and stay here. Out of the arguing that we do, we really do have good times, and click on many levels. But, jealously over me focusing on my boys and their well being is something that is hard, if not impossible to work out, figure out how to fix.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 In a way I kind of understand that she doesn't feel like you included her in your decisions. You just "informed" her that the younger one were visiting. She might have felt taken for granted.
As for leaving money for your son for food.. I don't see the problem, specially if she only bought fast food for her own kids.. which incidentally doesn't make sense.
And JUST because you are divorced with kids, doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have someone special/significant other. You just have to find one that can handle AND your baggage.
I still say that she seems jealous of the kids, which again I find really odd. Being a "step-mom" myself (we only have them visiting, not staying) I enjoy the kids, his AND ours. My husband DO NOT make plans to have them without asking first, mostly because I'm the main caregiver 95% of the time. Work can take him away for hours even days. So it has to be planned for it to work.
There are PLENTY blended families out there, so it is possible. Just maybe not with her?
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A
male
reader, BDW +, writes (3 August 2012):
BDW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneyPie....Thank you for the response. Everyone is spot on who has posted a comment. I have 3 boys. One is 20 and on his own, doing great. I have a very good relationship with him. The other just turned 15, and I have son that just turned 12. Prior to moving here, I had custody of my children. My 15 year old came with me, my 12 year old could not leave the state, so he went to stay with his mom. He hates it there with her, and her boyfriend. The arguments started when I started spending time with my son in golf. The golf season starts early fall here, and I would attend his 9 hole tournaments 2 x weekly. I was gone on average of 4 hours. I started catching hell, because she thought this was too much time, it took away from us, I didn't prioritize, and I catered to my boys. This started the instincts to take over and think if she was spending time with her children, I wouldn't have a second thought. I "GET IT"..being a father of three. Then, I travel out of town for business. She would make comments like. "Did you ask me if it's ok to leave your son here with me ". Also, She never, ever made any meals during the evening. She always picked up fast food for her boys. So, I would leave my son money to get something to eat at our neighborhood restaurants a couple of blocks away if he was hungry. She would get angry that I left him money and not tell her. She wanted me to leave her the money. Then when my 12 year old wanted to visit, I would fly him in. But, she would always make the comment. "Did I not think of her and her boys". What if she didn't want additional kids for that weekend, why didn't we schedule a trip or do something instead... And to be the devils advocate. My 15 year old has an attitude. He is still reeling from what his mother did. He isn't mean, or abusive. Nothing like that. He just doesn't talk a lot. She thought of it as being disrespectful, and I caught hell for it. So, my sons saw the way we argued, and saw that she didn't really do anything around the household, and only wanted to go out to eat with me, versus stay in some times and have large family meals. It just didn't create an enviroment that was one of "Welcome". It never felt like home, just a house. Even with all that said, here is what's difficult. And I know its absolutely selfish. I remember the things she does for me. She cares about my health, she shows me affection that my former wife never did, she embraces me and talks about how much she loves me. My former wife never did that, she puts her arms around me and just squeezes me while we are sleeping, and makes a point to get me something on holidays, or just because. I always do the same to her. I've never had that before. I don't require it, but its nice that someone thinks of you. Then there is the sex part. I know it creates a lot of emotions that would otherwise not exist. So that is factored into the equation. My boys take priority. I know moving will open up new opportunities, avenues, and make my sons a lot happier, and healthier. I can use my boys to fill that void and focus on them for a change instead of thinking how I feel that gap of loneliness from my divorce. Maybe that's what I'm struggling with the most. Even though I say I lover her. I do have feelings of relief thinking about being able to go ahead and move. I know if we stay together, she has a special needs son that will be in our life forever. Life will be much different.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2012):
I think you did the right thing in holding back with the idea/proposal of marriage. Your instincts are right. But did you talk to HER about how you felt, how your feelings changed?
If not, maybe that is why she resent your bond with your kids so much, and from what you write, she does seem to resent the bond you have, the time you spend with your kids, and quite frankly that is not "normal".
I agree that if you are with someone, you don't just throw your hands up and walk away. BUT SHE DID. She moved out. And blamed your kids.
Most men are "fixers". They see a problem and they try or they want to fix it. But is this a problem you even can fix and still keep being the parent you want to be? She wants YOU, but only on the condition that your kids aren't there or aren't your first priority. Is that even fair of her to ask?
Have you two tried couples counseling?
How old are your two boys? I forgot to ask last time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): You are in an abusive relationship and just don't see it. Time to go to counseling. It doesn't sound like she's a good mother - if she had given all her attention to her children maybe they wouldn't be uneducated and lazy. Are these the role models you want for your sons? Also, is this a good relationship for your sons to witness? You're only damaging your own kids.Part of being a loyal personality is being loyal and good to yourself and your family first. YOU ARE NOT. Its all skewed towards the wrong person.You're making every excuse in the book for her, you're perplexed, you're analyzing and you're trying so hard to make things work. When in reality your just being disloyal to yourself and your sons. You have a very negative and toxic element in your life and your not protecting your family from it. You've made yourself a victim and you're stuck in a warped unhealthy relationship.It's time to get some counseling and head out into the dating world. You're going to meet much more loveable and sane prospects out there. Stay away from this woman, she isn't normal, nor a good example for your sons.
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A
male
reader, BDW +, writes (2 August 2012):
BDW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll be dead honest in regards to HoneyPie's response. What keeps me banging my head against the wall.. Let me give you an example. I was in Australia on business for 3 weeks. She moved out while I was in Australia. When I returned I immediately went to her house. She embraced me, her voice was warming to me, she said she loved me, talked about how much she missed me, she wrapped her arms around me and didn't let go. We spent the last 4 days together and they have been the best. She is very affectionate, and does nothing but loves on me. Then reality hits. My boys flew in from spending most of the summer with their grandma, camps, etc... She blew up on me over the phone while speaking to her and talking about my boys coming in. She raised her voice and stated, "Its all about my boys, I don't know how to balance, its unhealthy" I honestly to god haven't seen my boys but a few times over the summer, speak with them over the phone. The rest of the time I've been with her, or working. She knows this.. She thinks I forced her to move out because by boys don't like her. That's bull. She moved out, because I stopped talking about marriage because her behavior scared me.. She talked about moving out so often, since December that I finally stopped trying to stop her. Then she said I wanted her and her boys out because I wasn't trying to stop her from moving out. It was a constant beating. She would say things and do things to get a response from me, and if I didn't have the right response, then that created issues as well. So, again. Why am I beating my head against the wall over her. I lover her! I know that. Why, maybe its because I have never had anyone be as affectionate with me as she is. But does it outweigh the times that her mouth turned toxic. Its amazing why I reflect on the good times, and diminish the value of the bad. I don't know why. She scared me from marriage because I was afraid she would alienate me from my children. I try to fix problems all the time. That's what I do. I believe if you love someone, outside of cheating, you do whatever you can to work it out. But not at the expense of your children. I know that. My boys are counting on me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2012):
Honestly, YOU will never change and neither will she, so you are at an impasse. And an impasse that show the BOTH of you that you are not that great of a fit/match.
She has some rather UNREALISTIC expectations of you. She fell for you BECAUSE you take your role as a parent serious and your put your kids FIRST. But in reality that is NOT what she wanted.. she wanted to be the #1 priority about all else. Sorry, life doesn't work that way, specially when there are kids involved. (IMHO) Even when you ARE married kids still tend to be #1.
Maybe part of it is jealousy? She sees the bond you have with your boys and she knows her boys don't have that, not with their dad and she doesn't REALLY want them to have it with you either. (Because she wants the be #1 )
So my questions is this, WHY are you wasting your time? She will NOT see things from your view point, and you simply don't believe in her view point. These are things in life that people RARELY change/want to change.
What is it about her you love so much that makes you keep banging you head against the wall with this lady?
You MUST be getting something out of it, or you wouldn't keep trying. You need to figure out WHAT that is and figure out of you can do with out it or not.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 August 2012):
You are only human and obviously keen to explore any avenue to find a solution to your problem...but it's a huge problem, it's ingrained and immoveable because it involves making someone else change...
We all know it is not possible to make someone else change, we can only change ourselves.
Seems you have tried everything and looks like the relationship is over. The woman you thought you would marry just turned out NOT to be the woman you thought she was...that's life I guess, not much else you can do.
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A
male
reader, BDW +, writes (2 August 2012):
BDW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have written a couple of questions before, I guess all very similar. I'm the type that when I commit, I commit. It's pretty much engrained in me to have that type of attitude. The answers are the same. Everyone tells me to run, don't look back. Get away while I can. Well, she has moved out. No matter what hurtful things she says, I do love her. I know its not right to and just damn selfish to expect someone with children to make you their primary focus over their children. I keep thinking there is some glimmer of hope, or someone provides that one piece of advice that makes everything seem alright and helps neutralizes some of the hurt. She does have some amazing qualities. Maybe that's what I'm holding on to. But there are some major issues that a normal person doesn't possess, especially a mother. I'm in the process of moving. We are pretty much through. It's extremely hard is all. I know my boys are better off, and they have their dad back. When the relationship began, I truly thought this was the woman I would spend the rest of my life with.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 August 2012):
 whatevahh ....
how many times do you intend writing in to this forum with no intention of taking any of the advice given. This is what, the third or fourth time you have written in about this woman, her children and your children.
Either you like the drama, are a glutton for punishment or your question is fake and you are a troll.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/throwing-in-the-towel-is-never-been-an.html
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 August 2012):
'She literally is toxic when it comes to something that suggest she is not the center of your universe'
Not good my friend...not good.
I am firmly in the 'kids come first camp'...maybe you should find someone who is in this camp too...your lady sounds like a selfish twit.
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