A
male
age
36-40,
*ohny5
writes:My past is not the greatest i have slept with random girls and i had some one night stands! so here is my question - Me and my girlfriend started dating 6 months ago and when i moved into her house i snooped around because that is the person i am due to the fact that i have been single for 2 years and the two girlfriends i have had both cheated on me before even sleeping with me so naturally i have trust issues. But while snooping i found pictures of her and the last 3 boyfriends she had in the year. now i know that she only slept with those three guys in the last year but the last two were only short relationships and that makes me feel like they were friends with benefits. The one i found out is a guy i know and he has slept with alot of chicks. And i found out that she didnt wear a condom with him. She said she had been tested but my problem is this - I can visualize them doing it and him walking up our stairs with her. I hurts me bad so i have been freaking out about it and she is very mad. I cant get it off my mind and dontknow what to do. I love her but feel wierd now that i can see these things. we have been fighting alot because i have been a jerk about it and dont know what to do? to top it all off he is on her bowling team. and she lied about getting a ride home with him. what should i do i am lost in my own mind about this.
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cheated on me, condom, friend with benefits, moved in, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Hi
I know jealousy is a nasty thing. You need to realize that not all girls are the same. She may be different from your previous gfs. You should go for some counselling either alone or with her as this is soon going to start destroying your relationship (someything you dont want). Try and stop yourself from thinking your crazy thoughts as this is just going to drive you insane.Speak to your gf and get some reassurane from her.Also tell her that you would much prefer if she would try as much as possible to avoid contact with her ex as this is creating problems for you and her and im sure that she would stop as she would not want to upset you.
Reards,mail me if you wanna talk
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Hi Love,
This is all past, And the very reason its all eating you up is the fact that you love her and your insecure because of your past girlfriends cheating. put all that together and your mind is going to take over and imagine a lot of things that are just that your imagination, Yes you no she went out with these guys but thinking what she may and may not have done with them is going to drive you mad as our imaginations can make up all sorts of things that never even happened or are going to.
The fact that she lied as to one of these guys giving her a lift home is to save an argument as you said it is causing problems and she doesnt want this to be happening.
Turn the tables you said your past is not great you have slept with random girls one night stands, What would you say if she started reading into this and wanted to no what happened with them then couldnt let this go..
In your own mind you no its nothing to worry about, Just as in her mind you have nothing to worry about, and hunny if this continues there is going to be a big wedge driven through your relationship with all these trust issues..
I think alot of people who have been cheated on and go on to find other partners are going to be a little worried untill that trust is built, But to snoop never did any good as you have opened a situation that may not have been there, Thoughts that wouldnt have even entered your head are taking over which can lead to depression and loosing the very thing you fear loosing most of all....
Hunny try putting all this into perspective if she wanted to be with anyone else why would she have you move in...
Maybe you should see someone about these trust issues and talk it through with them instead of getting angry and upset with her, As at the moment your not enjoying the relationship how you could or should be and neither is she, We all have a past love learn to enjoy what you have before its to late and gone, I hope this helped a little TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, Jualsy  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Realise that the girl you are with is not the one who has damaged you.....she does not deserve this!
Realise too that thinking about the past can destroy the present, and disrupt your future.....so why do it? Learn from it. Learn that there are bad things in life to deal with, but its all a learning curve.
Can you do it?? Only you know the answer to that one!!
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (10 September 2007):
You should realize by now that knowing old details does you no good. Start new, go forward looking left and right, stop digging into the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Why are you so jealous? Do you really even love this girl? Cause if you did you probably wouldn't be trying to jeopardize this relationship like you are doing.
My "ex" bf is the exact same way and I started to wonder if he even loved me. He snoops through my stuff and acts like a private investigator. It's psycho. All I want to do is have a good relationship and make good memories and maybe eventually live happily ever after. But he has made it clear that this will never happen. Because all he ever does and wants to do is spy on me and argue about stuff that is so ridiculous and that is none of his business. Stuff that if he could look past, we would be so happy. It sucks because I thought that he loved me. I loved him. I still do. I tried but he doesn't change. Doesn't want to.
He says he has never been this way before. I think that's bullshit. Maybe you can shed some light on this bizarre behavior. I don't think there is anything loving about it. It's not love. It's about control.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 September 2007):
 The fact she slept with this person is not what hurts. If it was you'd picture all of them with her up your stairs. What she did in the past should not be an issue with the relationship you are having now. You are taking her past and mixing it with your present. The feelings you felt when you were cheated on is resurfacing by thinking of her past. It's almost as if you're being cheated on now, when that didn't happen.
You need to mentally move the cheating from relationships in general and place it with those who did the deed. This new relationship should be given the change that if she's going to cheat on you, then would be the time to loose trust for her. If she has not, you're not providing her with everything she deserves. She's not the one who hurt you, but you're punishing her for what others had done.
Lying about getting a ride home from this guy, I would look at in 3 parts (1) the lie its self (it's not good to lie to your partner, and can ruin trust (2) The way you have been acting, by judging her for her past and getting angry, if she would have been truthful about the ride would she all ready know what your angry reaction would have been (3) With her knowing how you feel about this person, it is not right for her to continue contact with this person, even if it means switching bowling teems.
You need to work through your past issues. There still present, and will affect every relationship you are in, until dealt with. I read an article one which said "the worse thing you do going from one relationship to the new one is, you take you with you." It took me a while to realize what that meant, until I understood how pain works, and behaviors. Taking out the pain and talking about behaviors. It means, what behaviors you brought from one relationship to the next which played a role in the elimination of the past ones, will play the same role for future relationships.
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