A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm totally stuck in my relationship. I love my girlfriend so much and she loves me but I can't trust her at all. Things are ok now, but last August/September we went out on three nights out and on each of them we came back seperatly. The first time she got angry and went to meet her friend then came back 2 hours later crying and telling me she felt awful. The second time we had a massive argument and she went off with a friend from school. He got into a fight and she went to the hospital with him. She dissapeared for hours and then when I phoned her she asked me to come back and told me that she cheated on me with him but didn't sleep with him. The next day she said that she was lying to hurt me. I can't understand why she did this and have never been able to understand since. I would have broke up with her but she cried and cried till I decided not to.The last time was the worst because she lied to me for almost a year about what happened. We went out and then met up with my mates. She started acting like a bitch and in the end I went home. She then stayed out all night, I phoned her but her phone went off. I phoned my mate and he said she went home with a friend called Jenny or something. She ended up coming back at 10 the next morning and told me the same thing. She lied about a lot of things for almost a year until she finally said that he tried it on with her and she said no. She then denied everything else until in the end, again months later, she told me that he asked her to go to a hotel and she said no, but she left with him and went to get a taxi. At this point she met her friends (not just one friend) and they all went to get a hotel together, at this point I phoned my mate who was with her who said that she went home with her friend. She says nothing happened with them but I don't believe her.I'm finding this almost impossible to trust her and I feel hurt by both her and my mate for lying to me. I don't know what to do since now we're living together and it's more than just a mess about relationship that I can just leave. I have no-one to talk to it about especially since every time i try to talk to her she says "it was over a year ago" but to me its still very recent as I have only just found out the "full story" and it's not just her thats hurt me, its my mate too. I can't think what i'm supposed to do.
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 It may have been over a year ago, but time doesn't eliminate pain. I have a friend who was raped almost 20 years ago, and two years ago was diagnosed with "Post traumatic Stress Disorder" related to her rape.
She gave you reason to not trust her. Her behavior is not the behavior which should be accepted in a relationship. It shows her as being immature, and someone who runs away from problems instead of taking the time, and energy to solve them.
As far as you mate lying to you too. Here's what I would do, not just because they ruined my trust, but to prove to your girl you are serious and still hurt. I would tell him "You lying to me, I can't trust you, friends don't do that to friends, until you can come to me with an actual apology and a logical reason why you didn't tell me the truth, we have nothing else to discuss."
It sounds harsh, but friends care about your feelings and look out for you, and if there's something not right, they tell you to keep you from hurting further.
I would ask her "you lied to me, relationships are built on trust, all though it happened a year ago, I'm still broken over it, why do you think we should stay together after violating our relationship".
I'll tell you to, lying about cheating. I have a simple philosophy in my relationships. I'll extend my trust, until it's been broken. There is absolutely no excuse accepted for cheating, I don't care how long I was with someone, or how much I love them, cheat on me, they can consider our relationship over at the time of committing the act. That way I'm not responsible for ending it, the act of cheating is.
I look at relationships kind of like a contract. You get into it with the understanding of what's allowed and what's not. And, like a contract, violate the terms of the agreement, it's null and void at that time.
I can't tell you what would be best for you, but if you do end up leaving still work on the pain with a counselor. If you don't the pain comes with you to the next relationship where you might distrust someone else before they give you a reason not too.
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (19 September 2007):
You are right to feel hurt. Her "it was a year ago" is a cop out reply. It is new to you, and she knows she should not have done it.
You can't trust her. How do you know she's truthful to you now about being loyal to you now? You don't and even though you care about her, trust is a HUGE part of a relationship, so you may need to end it, whether or not you are living together.
Ask yourself a couple questions. Say she is honest that she hasn't cheated on you lately. Can you get over the past? And where exactly do you see this relationship going in the future?
...............................
|
