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anonymous
writes:Hoping someone can help here. I was with my boyfriend for eight years and we lived together for six years. He moved out a couple of years ago and want back to his hometown. He kept telling me that I was the nicest person he knew but he was not in love. That was sure true as he met someone else right away. It is now two years later and I have not bounced back really. I keep seeing myself through his eyes...I was not attractive enough...sexy enough and I guess I do not always give off confidence vibes. Guys sense this and they do not approach me and flirt the way they once did....and this keeps me standoffish. I am told I am attractive but something in my spirit is not the same. Has anyone been in the same situation and how do I climb out of this rut. Any advice much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Let's look at what love is and what love isn't.
Surely love is born out of good feelings for another person, for the feeling that you get that you want to be a better person just for being around them.
That said, love is not a feeling, it is a CHOICE, it is a concsious decision to love and most of all to BE loving to another person and be worthy of love.
This is all about action, it is all about putting the needs of another human being ahead of your own, it is about being decent and kind and committed.
If you follow this logic it is not a linear thing....not in the way you are thinking of love...i.e. he doesn't love me because he is not in love with me, I am not worthy, I am not attractive, I am not (insert the noun or adjective).
It is a non-linear concept....he has to have those feelings for you born out of his own concsious decision to BE that person for you, and you, my dear are not in control of that, nor is it anything you did or didn't do, it truly is him....he is not a willing partner, he is not capable of BEING worthy of love from you....and therefore, you need to let it go and be at peace that for what ever reason he was not man enough to BE your man (oh wait, that is a Sheryl Crow song) how true is that?
Keep your heart open, don't bury your head in the sand, be your authentic self so the man who is going to love you can recognize you....he will, just have confidence that you are fine with or without him, anything else is dependence, not love.
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (19 September 2007):
I am sure you're very attractive, but you probably look a bit sad, which is true, you are a bit sad. It has been two years and you've been feeling down thw whole time. It takes a toll.
It sounds like the break up really gave you a bruised ego, but probably for the wrong reasons. You're probably thinking I am just some stranger trying to make you feel better, but let's look at this logically. Let's face it, looks matter, but only at the beginning. If you aren't attractive or sexy enough, then he probably wouldn't have gone out with you to begin with. After the initial stage, it is all about personalities. He loved you, I'm sure, but wasn't in love with you. He probably knew you just weren't THE ONE. Who knows how long he'd been thinking that? He might have realized it at year 4, but went with the flow to see if he was right asking himself why he'd ruin a good thing. Or maybe it was right and it freaked him out and he bailed out. If that is true, it truly is unfortunate, but that probably isn't the reason.
As for him finding someone else right away, that is probably just rebound. Yeah, it hurts you, but chances are that after he broke up with you, even though he was the one to end it, it probably hurt him a bit too. After eight years, it had to have. His rebound girlfriend was him covering his pain.
I think what is really bothering you is the why. It had been eight years and to you it seems like his reason was weak. You feel like you need closure and it's been causing you grief, frustration, sadness and then it lead to a decline in confidence. His reason might have been 100% truthful, or it could be something else. Perhaps he'll never find what he is looking for. The only way to know is to ask him again if you still talk to him. If you don't talk to him any more, then you'll have to look to the future and what you want out of it instead of focusing on the past. Yes, easier said than done, but think about it. Isn't it better you found out that he didn't love you in eight years than if you got married and had kids and then he told you? Do you really want this to ruin your future? Do you think HE really wants this to ruin your future?
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reader, rcn +, writes (19 September 2007):
 I don't know too many people who have not been in your situation at least once. Self esteem is easier to loose than it is to get back. It's OK for you to be a nice person and it's OK for someone else to think your nice and not be in love. Looks really are just looks, they have nothing to do with love and emotions. We can be physically attracted to someone and not have the ability to love that person for whatever reason.
You don't have to like the feeling of being rejected. From a different angle, rejection is not about you, it's about the other persons feelings. Keep reminding yourself of your good qualities, what makes you, you. That's what will attract the right people to you. And that's what makes your spirit become stronger.
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