A
male
age
41-50,
*anadianEagle
writes:Hello,I am no longer in love with my common-law wife. She had a one night stand with someone early in our relationship during an agreed 10 day "break", and also slept with her ex a couple of times. (Although, I must admit, she left that ex for me).It was quite a soul-shocking experience for me. Based on how I was raised, "cheating" on someone was the worst thing that you could do. She got back together for a little while, but agreed to break up to let me figure myself out. Shortly after, she found out she was pregnant with my baby. Now a few years later, we live together and own a business together.It seems like our roles are sort of reversed now. She seems to have gotten over that phase in her life, and just wants to be a good wife. I on the other hand, have many times found that I am attracted to other women. She asks me questions about pretty much everything, and caught me lying the other day. (Did you look at girls on the internet while we were broken up for a month).The problem is, I'm not in love with her. I mean, I love her and care about her. I want her to be happy. And I think she's an awesome mother. But she doesn't stimulate me sexually, and I don't feel that special connection. I think that after being cheated on, I am quite confused about the purpose of love. What's the point? Why not just sleep with people, and be good most of the time?She is also a few years older than me (not quite a decade), and is looking her age. (Likely influenced by having our child, and running a business which can be stressful). And we both packed on a few pounds, due to the same 2 influences.Part of me just wants to leave and find someone else. Someone without all these emotional scars. Someone younger. etc. There are lots of pretty girls out there, and lots of them seem sweet.But on the other hand, I don't want to abandon the business (it will shut down), my daughter (I love her so much), house, etc. We really have it going quite well from a practical perspective. And I really care for and Love her, but am not in LOVE. Should I stay or should I go?
View related questions:
got back together, her ex, one night stand, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, califnan  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 It doesn't seem like the two of you have ever had a love trust relationship with each other - at the same time in your relationship.. First, you are in the relationship - and she is cheating - Then she is trying to make it work, and you are wandering - Then she publically humiliates you, and she wants to date.. It doesn't seem unreasonable for the two of you to wait until the dust settles (so to speak).. before picking up your lives.. It would seem that in time, the two of you should decide to either consummate your relationship with marriage - or break up.. This zig zagging isn't doing anyone any good..
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 September 2009):
 I feel really terrible for the both of you!
Some time ago, weeks ago, you had asked your question. Now its turmoil and it seems it has degenerated into a battle zone!
This is something that a person has to look at in perspective for both of your sakes, you need peace on both sides.
Your wife is afraid, terribly afraid and she's saying and doing things so out of control because she's hurt, terribly confused and angry. As she does this, it pushes you away.
You're confused too and so what happens is that you want to try and avoid her pain by finding ways to hide from her, that is excuses.
Meanwhile there's another person out there that you've taken an interest in, and I am guessing this is one of your wife's fears.
The problem is that I think, and this is a real guess at this point, she feels so much pain that instead of understanding what's going on, she's tearing up memories and bludgeoning you publicly. This is so terrible.
Someone has to take her hand and calm her down! This is disturbing her to some level you've probably never seen before.
The empathy here is that she's gripped with fear and she's lashing out at you.
Is there some way to calm her down? Let her see that you don't want her to suffer like this?
Maybe it takes going out on a limb for her, and it seems you're trying to do this but shying away from it, and take her hand and tell her that you know how scared she is?
Maybe she doesn't know it.
Is there anyone in her family that can offer her some support so that at least she can calm down enough to see that you're not trying to hurt her?
The problem that's apparent here is that something has happened to leave you wondering, and her frightened and neither one of you can see it yet.
This is a time where maybe counseling might help at least enough to get her to the point of listening without judging, and maybe accepting that you need to decide what to do with your life and its not her fault.
Right now she's jumping to conclusions and so far out of it, that she's willing to burn up and tear up everything just because you have doubts about yourself.
Its hard to gauge this from an outsider's point of view, but from what you've written in your follow-ups, it looks like she's gripped with fear and its clouding everything in her mind.
Its just a thought. But you know her best.
I just hate to see people suffer like this especially when two people like you could find ways to settle this issue without unnecessary drama and pain.
...............................
A
male
reader, CanadianEagle +, writes (17 September 2009):
CanadianEagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, just thought I was update, since I am quite confused.
Been living out of home since the incident. Staying with friends, but going to need to move soon due to 1 psyco roommate. Work has not been going well. Been staying active and social, so am generally more happy with that.
So, here is the tough part. She said many terribly hateful things to me for several days after she kicked me out. Also, she posted mery personal and embarrasing information about me online in a place that my friends would see it.
So, fast forward a couple of weeks. I'm doing okay. Not eager to jump back into things, but wanting to work things out with her.
She wants to date. I'm busy, so we only arrange to meet a couple of times a week. She mentioned she did not want to see my friends yet, because of all the information she posted about me. I told her that I couldn't believe she could do such a terrible and evil thing. She got upset. So I told her that even if I did many more things wrong than her in the last month, I still feel it is important to realize that she was acting inappropriately. I don't need her to be really sympathetic, but to have an understanding that people should not do that to other people.
Now she is mad that I don't want to date yet. She thinks I am attacking her, and that I'm trying to turn the tables around....
I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to date someone that thinks it's okay to publically humuliate me with very personal information.... And she's also swearing and calling me names in her emails again.....
How am I supposed to work things out? It seems like the only thing that will satisfy her, is if I take her actions as a "lesson learned" that I derserved....
...............................
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (31 August 2009):
 I think you have nailed it..."I have been confused about my wants and values," and I think your wife is right that you would have had this confusion regardless of the past cheating. The cheating is at this point something to blame your confusion on.
It's normal AND healthy at this stage of life to be questioning your wants and values. It is a NORMAL developmental stage in "growing up." Everyone expects this stage during our teenage years, but when we question our identities, dreams, future, ect at this age is almost always catches us off guard. Nobody prepares us for this stage and it blindsides us.
I am glad that you are experiencing some discomfort with her leaving... its easy to take what we have for granted and had she not left you might have continued to de-value the relationship unfairly. I don't mean to imply that your feelings/needs are not real, but when you compare your wife to fantasy... she has no chance at success.
I think you are both very wise to take this time and learn more about yourselves. Please do not start any friendships with females or start dating though (ask her to do the same)... you really need to focus on you and bringing another person into the mix will blurr reality and distract you from really knowing who you are, but otherwise you should do some experimenting.
Do some experimenting with activities, new ways of thinking, take a class, go to counseling, do something new and exciting-different. Have fun... you can try some of it with your wife if you want or you can stick to your buddies. Just don't get distracted by eye-candy.
...............................
A
male
reader, CanadianEagle +, writes (31 August 2009):
CanadianEagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been confused about my wants and values. I feel that I've been confused about a lot of things ever since being cheated on.... She feels that I would have had these issues anyway. I guess that I want it all... Freedom, fun, and my family. Having this happen doesn't really help align everything in my head...I think living a life of regrets is a fair part of the problem. Always wondering if the grass is greener on the othr side.... Not sure how to fix such a flawed mindset though.I didn't think I would be left for being attracted to another girl but not acting on it. Hmm, I suppose this has happened on 3 breakups (including the breakup after she cheated on me... She accuses me of doing it 6 times with 3 other girls I befriended. I guess from her perspe give I can see why she is upset.Well, she is extremely hurt and angry right now. But I suppose I should figure out my own wants andhapiness before I try do anything with the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): well canadian, this is what you wanted your freedom. now that you have it, what will you do? seems like you do not want to be without your wife after all..........
...............................
A
male
reader, CanadianEagle +, writes (30 August 2009):
CanadianEagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses.I admitted to her that during our month apart a little while ago, I had feelings for another girl. And she really liked me too. I met her in a fitness class I went to one night a week. I never ended getting her number or going on a date with her because I thought that I was not ready. And because I could end up hurting either girl.Well, now she feels that our relationship is based on lies. It's hard for me to argue. Whenever we broke up, I wanted the space, but ended up getting back with her because she expressed that she needed me.She broke up with me, and ripped up all of our pictures, gifts, and letters...Will write more later when I'm off my phone, and back at a laptop...
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (30 August 2009):
This is called the ennui. You reach a point in your relationship where things are comfortable but you feel something is missing.The reason why you're looking is exactly the reason you keep bringing up the past.You and she are a few years distant in age, and you are starting to see her body change and yourself putting on weight due to the child.Here's the best answer. Stop thinking about her one night stand, or how you want to get a younger woman.If things are good in your marriage and you love your wife, then you need to focus on your relationship. The only way you can do that is to start seeing why you're unhappy.If you're not happy with yourself, then how can she be attracted to you in the way she was when you two fell in love.No matter what, no one is going to make you happy if you can't be happy yourself. And what I am seeing here is that you're not happy with yourself.Holding on to past slights, the "cheating" and the reversal of roles (surfing the net for women), are all interfering with your ability to love her.She's not going to change her behavior towards you if you're shutting her out of your life. And you're doing that because you're unhappy with yourself.One thing you can do is finally forget the past. I know you've forgiven her, and she is forgiving you for web surfing. But the point is that you two should pay more attention to each other.Another thing the both of you can do is start working on your bodies. If you're both gaining weight then this is a sign of depression and stress for both of you. Try working out together. Go on a diet together. Start supporting each other emotionally.Communicating with each other about what's eating at your marriage is key. When you open up to each other like that you will find a different world is there for you.But I would not start going out there trawling for better when in fact you have it right there in front of you. You have a child, a home and a business. Everything that a person wants in their own life is right there for you right now.Paying a little more attention to each other, supporting each other's needs will make things better for both of you.If you're still reticent about this, then I would suggest counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (30 August 2009):
It sounds to me, that your relationship was never based on love .. just using .. Marriage would have created more of a bond.. It is not likely that you can clear the slate, so to speak - by picking up with a newer model.. Since the woman you are living with, is trying to make it work, maybe you should share with her, the insecurities that you feel, and either try to make it work - or separate. Pray to God - together, or singley , He will answer you..
...............................
A
male
reader, bouncer  +, writes (30 August 2009):
I think when you have been cheated on it is very hard to continue the relationship as if nothing has happened. If you had a good friend that betrayed you would you want to be friends with that person any longer ? So when your partner betrays you whats the differance ? When the special trust that a loving couple have for each orther is broken then there is very little left. You are right affairs are soulshocking so why stay with someone that can hurt you like that ? There are plenty of wonderfull woman out there who will not break your heart
...............................
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (30 August 2009):
Don't go yet... (and stop looking at other women)I think you need to be honest with her and tell her how you are feeling. I know you don't want to hurt her, but she will be much more hurt if you just go.You say you love her but you're not IN love with her... what this usually means is just what you described you've lost some of that initial attraction, you see her more as a mother to your child and a business partner. What you want is a girlfriend... you want the excitement of the first kiss,being special, the mystery, and spontaneity of a new relationship. And hey that is awesome but don't give up what you got... a stable, loving wife, a good mother, financial security and your history together.So... tell her what you're missing and how discontent you are without the stimulation, but also tell her what you value about her. You might be very surprised she may be wanting those things too and needed you to take the initiative.Really make it clear how you are feeling and that you all need to shake things up or risk losing your relationship. Start acting like bf/gf's instead of mom and dad. Create some mystery, do some young things- bars, dancing, motorcycles, whatever. Write some sexy love letters... do all the things you would do for someone new. Buy new clothes, lose weight...Bottom line is be honest and give her a chance to decide if she wants to fight for you. I know you think your feelings are just the way it is... but it doesn't take a lot to ignite a whole new flame. Don't hint or throw out clues be upfront and clear as crystal... your marriage is on the line.
...............................
|
