A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a woman on and off for 3 years. We dated a while, but she’s commitment phobic and called it off when it felt like a relationship. (bad previous relationship) We agreed to be friends. After 6 months, we got closer. I met her friends, and we’d all hang out. We’d spend 6, 8 or 13 hours together (not spending the night). My life turned upside down with legal issues, and I told her I planned to move away. We were distant for a while. The following year, I was leaving town for the weekend, and she agreed to join me. I was surprised! Meet my friends for the first time, and spend the weekend with me?I thought things had turned around because all the signs were there. That weekend was cut short when she became ill. I told her I wanted to be with her, and this was her reply:Being alone, “it's the healthiest, most productive thing I can do for myself right now. It also has to do with feeling obligated. It's freeing, not owing anybody anything. I never had that. The idea of sharing living space, a bathroom, a bank account, sharing families, all make me want to break out into hives. “I think very highly of you. I've even told (friend) that you're such a great guy. That you're total boyfriend material. When you sent me that Christmas card, I was so touched. You're the most thoughtful person I know. Asked her if she knew anybody good for you. A guy like you is a rarity. I want you to find someone and be happy. I'm just sorry I can't be what you want me to be. I like you a lot and I hope that you want to continue being friends. I just don't want to hurt you in the process.It’s been over a year since then. I kept my distance, taking dates to the places I would have taken her. But it was never more than casual dating!I recently told her I wasn’t moving (family), and we’ve spent time together (I’m not dating anyone). We have fun, and get closer after a few drinks when she lets her guard down. When I leave, She holds on a little tighter, a little longer than a friend when hugging good night (lots of girl buddies…I would know). She buried herself in my arms last night. I’m not the type to take advantage!She’s avoids confrontation…. so I don’t know she would ever tell me she wanted something more. I left at 1:30am this morning, and I’d swear she was waiting for me to make a move. I am still in love with her… but I was devastated the last time, and am afraid to put myself in that position again. I’d give her the time, but I can’t wait forever! I want her to be happy… and I know in some way…I do make her happy…. just by being around.Am I insane for spending time with her as friends while I’m not dating anyone? I don’t want to be the guy that abandons the friendship because it didn’t work out… but spending time with her isn’t helping me move on!Any thoughts?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): From original poster!I appreciate all of the replies that I received, and I thought I’d add a little info.It took 1 year and 9 months to agree to meet my friends (she’s shy). She some of them the first time when we went out of town. I did keep my distance for nearly a year, seeing her only twice in a year, and calling on holidays.Early this year, she seemed much more interested in being around... and meeting more of my friends.I stopped dating because I was planning to move away, and didn’t want to get involved with someone that wanted me to stay, or have to ask someone to leave with me. It’s only been 2 weeks since I decided to stay, and twice we have gotten together.I am finally looking at dating again, but giving how things appear with her at the moment…. If it’s a trust thing, will retreat because I am not available?After she got spooked in the beginning, I dated for 2 years, while I saw her as a friend. While she outwardly was happy for me, who knows how she felt.Should I maybe just give it a couple months and see what happens?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 That's sounds like an easy one. If spending time with her is not helping you to move on- then don't spend time with her, simple.
You first. Take care of your own happiness. That's not selfishness , that's plain common sense. She is doing what works best for her - you do that too, with no remorse or regret. Maybe your life plans are not made to intersect each other. It happens.
I know, I know. You are hanging in there because of the " what if ". What if she has changed her mind and won't say it , what if NOW she is ready for more . I don't think so- she is not- at least with you.
The little speech she gave you is a variation on " I am not ready for a relationship ( implied : with you )". I am not saying she lied, in fact I think she meant what she said , and I can totally relate to her. I am not much cut for coupledom ( regardless , or maybe because, of having lived paired up for most of my adult life ). There's something absolutely exhilarating and empowering in not having to share your bed, your free time, not having to mesh families, or friends or bank accounts. It feels good to be your own person, and , even weighted against inevitable moments of melancholy or wistfulness, the pros still outweigh the cons.
BUT : I am not in love. Not passionately in love. If it should happen, I know I would not mind sharing , I would not bother defending my spaces and my privacy. I'd WANT to become ( a bit :)) fusional. And she too, probably.
Not all women have a big need for companionship and stability, and don't think it's worth doing sacrifices for these things. But, if it's something more- a whole other thing, in fact- then it's not a sacrifice, it's a pleasure .
I am afraid she indicated already that , as much as she likes you and appreciates you, you are not and cannot be the " whole other thing " that she needs to share her life. In other words, I feel you'd be flogging a dead horse and exposing yourself to more bitterness and disppointments. The wise thing to do is to take your distance and move on- for real, this time.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Number one in my golden book of rules is:
'You cannot be just friends with someone if you are in love with them but they are not in love with you'
Slamming your nuts repeatedly in the door would be less painful!!!
Whatever her agenda, her MO or her feelings are...SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!! (there I said it)
It's a sad fact that a lot of people use other people to pass time with, make themselves feel good, or wanted or needed but have absolutely no intention EVER to be in a relationship with that person.
This has been going on for a long time for you and has affected your life and your choices. I am never surprised when I hear someone going on about how 'so and so' is the love of their life, is the only one for them, is the person of their dreams...and yet it never gets off the ground.
It doesn't get off the ground because it's just not meant to be.
This woman has set out her stall and told you she doesn't want to be with you, hell she has practically given you away!!!! and yet she continues to use you and toy with your affections??? Super confusing huh???
My advice would be to make a concerted effort to cut the cord and ditch the dame!!!
MOVE ON and stop wasting your time.
You need to heal, forgive and most importantly FORGET HER!!! then your heart and mind will be clear and clean and all shiney new so you can go out and find the REAL TRUE love of your life...you know??..the one you are REALLY meant to be with.
Good luck and keep your head up xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I feel for you. I think since you've made it clear to her that you actually want to be with her in a relationship, that you should cut back on your friendship if it's stopping you moving on. I think it would be better for you to start dating other people if you're going to stay friends with her. But if you're staying friends but not dating anyone else, then I think it will be harder to move on. That said, I think that staying friends with her while dating other people can get tricky too because if you were to develop something with someone else that new budding relationship could get jeopardized by unresolved longing for your friend...I guess you could continue to reach out to her, I know you did once and got really devastated. But maybe all was not lost and it brought her a step closer towards a relationship with you. I mean, she's still hanging around you and still giving signals that she wants more than friendship, right? Your sharing of your feelings and her subsequent rejection, didn't seem to scare her away from you, obviously. instead she's still here, still seeming to want to be more than friends. So maybe it was the right thing to do to have brought it up even though she rejected you that one time it could have brought her a step closer toward not rejecting you in the future??maybe you just have to keep reaching out to her again and again, but 'toughen yourself' up before hand. it's not like she's showing complete disinterest (if she were then I'd say it would be a waste of your time). but if she's sitting on the fence, continued reaching out to her could slowly tip her over to your side. that has happened to me in the past when I was really interested in a guy but was holding back out of insecurity but he kept reaching out to me despite my initial rejections, honestly I'm surprised he kept coming back despite my rejections. I wasn't trying to hurt him or anything I just wasn't ready but because he didn't give up on me slowly on MY own time I got persuaded to give it a go. But this is only because I was actually very attracted to him to begin with, and we were friends so I trusted him, and it was I who was holding myself back out of insecurities.If she's giving you mixed signals, you should talk to her about it. people who have walls up don't let them all down in one session (unless very very drunk). Coming out of the shell to be honest happens gradually bit by bit and if at anytime they feel under pressure or it's too much revelation too soon they go right back into their shell. it's very frustrating I know. she has been honest with you that she is afraid of commitment. yet at the same time she seems to give you signals that she wants you as more than just a friend. based on the latter, I wouldn't write her off just yet. why not start with her fear of commitment and work through that together, see if you can compromise or reach a different understanding. for example, who says that you need to live together, share bank accounts, and all that? also, do you have baggage of your own from past relationships that are scaring her further? e.g. an ex-wife and children from previous relationships or marriage? but you also have to gauge how much pain this all is putting you through. You don't have to accept what she has to offer if you know it's not going to satisfy you.I've been in somewhat similar situation, except it was a friends-with-benefits situation where there was a lot of connection (friendship, romance, over the top passion, great sex..) but neither of us could bring ourselves to actually talk about the future so we never did...for years it was just living in the here and now with no promises or even talk of what would happen in the future...I hung on because of the potential, I don't know why he hung on too I think it's the same. whenever I tried to walk away he would play cool for awhile then pursue me when he could no longer stand being away from me, and vice versa and we'd end up back together sometimes after months of silence. both of us are terrified of commitment because of serious baggage from previous marriages (he also has kids from his previous marriage and his ex constantly creates drama in his life which add a further complication in many ways) so neither of us would or could talk about a possible future together even though being apart was agony. it was a very tortuous relationship that went on for years and I'm right now trying once again to end it permanently and I hope this time it will work. it's hard because of the potential. But potential that never gets realized, at some point is just a dead end.if you decide not to wait for her any longer to be ready for a relationship, I think you would do well to also end the friendship for now, until you're over her. it wouldn't be a permanent ending of the friendship, it won't be on bad terms, you can just explain to her that you will still be her friend, just that you need a break from the friendship while you recalibrate yourself. maybe losing you will motivate her to push herself past her comfort level and consider at least talking about a relationship. And if not, you would have nothing to lose by moving on for good.
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