A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im just wondering if anyone else thinks that someone acting like this, makes them a bad friend or is it just their personality? so my "friend" hasnt been very supportive to me and i have been doing all i can to be supportive to her because we both are going through a hard time with personal stuff. i listen to her for hours complain about this and that, and tell her sincerely that it will be ok and i try to help find ways to make herself feel better and just basically talk it all out with her about her problems. then when i need to vent, its like it doesnt matter. she listens for a moment or two then literally changes the subject almost immedietly. this really upsets me after i tried my hardest time and time again to be there for her. i thought id get the same in return. i dont want to post the details on here, but she knew what i was upset about and its a big life changing something and she still blew it off. so was this wrong of her or am i just thinking of it to much? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, young_and_confused  +, writes (15 January 2011):
I also have a couple friends like this, who monopolize the conversation and then when you start talking they don't really want to listen. I agree with many of the posts here but would just like to add something that I recognized about myself. I think part of the reason I don't speak up is that I sometimes feel that my problems or my experiences are not worth listening to. It's a self-esteem issue. Maybe part of that could be yours too? Maybe you just need to assert yourself more?
In this world many people don't recognize the rights and value of others unless they are told. I know for you and others it is natural to respect other people and their boundaries and have a give and take. But unfortunately others need to be reminded. So maybe you need to always remind your friend to wait and listen and that friendship is a give and take...and maybe she will actually learn.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 hi
she's selfish, i have a friend exactly the same. its all 'me me me' and makes it difficult to get a word in side-ways! i have known her for about 14 years and she is now 36(?) so i'm guessing she is never gonna change. i don't let it bother me, i just choose to not see her much, if i need anything important or i have got a problem i go to another friend, not her. maybe if your friends problems get resolved before yours do, she will feel more able to listen to you. sounds like she is too wrapped up in her own worries to be able to concentrate on helping with yours. you have obviously got the sort of personality that can still open up and give help to others even though you have got your own problems going on too, while she just isn't the same
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): If you live long everyone runs into a person like this....they aren't worth your time. I have found something that stops them dead in their tracks however...sometimes only for a minute.When they have to take a breath say "enough about you, let's talk about me for a minute" and you may have to remind them "ok, back to me again" Good luck!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Your friend is a "natural-born" politician...they nrver answer a question and only talk about what they think you need to hear. Try to get her to run for office.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Like any relationship it is give and take. Generally people fit into 2 catergories (you and I people)Also relationships are based on needs.We meet many people throughout our lives,some stay for a few seconds, days,months and some a lifetime.Often we learn more about ourselves through our experiences from the people we choose to share our lives with. Some good and some not so good. With each person its about meeting a need at that moment of time. Perhaps when you and your friend met you were always the one to listen which of course you were meeting her needs. Now circumstances have changed and you need a listening ear from your friend. You cannot force people to do anything that does not come naturally - however I would sit her down and calmly tell her how you feel but also tell her how much you treasure the friendship. Often people dont realise nor mean to hurt their friends- at least give her a chance to be a better friend. If things dont change then perhaps its time to move on. let her go.
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A
female
reader, diddycoy +, writes (14 January 2011):
hii think your friend probably see,s you as the stronger out the two of you..and probably thinks you can handle your problems yourself without her help..ok.. some people are a bit selfish but thats just the way they are made up, it doesnt mean she is a bad friend..some people are talkers and other,s are liseners im afraid it looks like you in your friends eyes have all the answeres to help her,does she take what you say to her and use it or just ignore any advice you give her..if she ignores it , then i think you need to talk to herabout how you feel,but if she acts on your every word of advice then i think she probably needs you and doesnt think you need her but id still have a chat to her,but some people dont know how to lissen to other,s its a gift,,good luck and you can always talk to me if you want..xx
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 There are a lot of self centered people around, and your friend may be one of them.
They don't do it on purpose.
to be rude or mean, it's just that they have a short attention span for other people's stories because they are so enamoured of their own dramas and engulfed in them.
You could try talking to her about it, not confontationally, without accusations. You may simply tell her that you want and need more support and attention from her, and you are comfortable in asking her a better effort in supporting you precisely because you deem her a good ,loyal friend.
It's worth a try, maybe she did not notice the way she is acting toward you. Then again...don't be too surprised if it does not work, plenty of people like to be the only star in the movie :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Mmmm yes I recognise this kind of person. I have a sister just the same and had a couple of friends like it. I decided to starting cooling off my friendships because I felt it was just all one-way and I was getting drained by their problems - like emotional vampires they were! Its important that you find friends where you can have a balanced amount of support and also give support. This is just looking after yourself and having healthy relationships - selfish people will bring you down. Start spending more time with people you find bring you that happiness and less with people like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): I had a friend like that. Notice that I said, had? She is not being a good friend, and I would suggest you do as I did and dump this so called friend.
My ex friend realised her mistake after about 6 months and sent me a very apologetic email, I chose not to forgive her though as she said some very hurtful things but that is just my personal choice.
'Good' friends can be as hard to find as a decent partner
Good luck.
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