A
female
age
36-40,
*irlygirl
writes:Hiya, I've fallen for a close mate of mine, but the problem is he has a girlfirend who he's been with for two years!He's told me that he's fallen for me too. But the thing is I dont think he will end it with his girlfriend for me.Is it wrong to just carry on flirting etc knowing that nothing will happen?I like him so much and dont want to give up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): Glad to hear you are upholding and accepting your end of the responsibility in all this, hun. You did the right thing. I sure hope this guy does the same thing. Now..follow through on that sense of responsibility for this girl's relationship of by giving her your respect. How do you do that. Maturely and graciously begin detaching from this couple..by making the mature choice to NOT be hanging out with them, especially if you find it awkward. Be strong and always, always display respect for other people's relationships. It doesn't matter what problems they have..that is their personal business-let them work on it together. The more you hang out with them, the tougher it will be for them to heal their love. Leave them alone and find other friends and activitiesw to distract you, at least until you are over your feelings for this guy. Good luck and take care
A
female
reader, girlygirl +, writes (6 June 2007):
girlygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and i never sed i loved him- i sed id fallen 4 him
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A
female
reader, girlygirl +, writes (6 June 2007):
girlygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionafter reading what you all wrote i started to realise how much i could get hurt and hurt his girlfriend- i wouldnt want to enflict tht kina pain on ne1! she'd be heartbroken if she found out wot had been goin on behind her back
i told him how i felt and he sed tht things werent rite with him an her atm-he sed he did love her vut knew he'd fallen 4 me- imade it clear tht we'd be just friends until wen or if he splits with her.
the only trouble im out with them both this weekend,, i just kno its gna b awkward lol . . .
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female
reader, xSarax +, writes (5 June 2007):
 i'm in a situation like yours but im the girlfriend whos getting hurt. do you realise how much pain you are causing? if she ever finds out she will be as miserable and as mortified as i am. and her boyfriend is just as bad. has it ever occured to you that shes probably noticed you hovering round her boyfriend. you do nothing for him apart from make his ego bigger. you look like a fool, and she looks like a fool and there goes another point to the men who think they are players. do yourself a favour and go out and pull someone who has no ties. it will be the better option. you say your not a bad person but you know you will cause hurt. so stop it. just remember. what goes around comes around. and it will be ten times worse for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): One day I took my 9 year old neice and nephew, the twins out to a bread company for breakfast. My little nephew walked up to the donut case, about to pick out a donut, and when I asked him what he wanted, he looked at me and said, nothing, that lady took the one I wanted.
It struck me then how it is basic human nature to want what we cannot have, and when you are an immature kid you want it so much that if you don't get it nothing else will do.
You need to stop being immature like a 9 year old at the donut counter, this man belongs to another woman, you want him because you can't have him, you are getting a rush of excitement because his attention makes you feel like you have "one over" on even the girl dearest to his heart, and he is playing for the fool, love is not a competition, and you don't love him head over heels, you are competing for the bestest donut in the case.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): I totally relate to your situation girlygirl! I can't stop thinking about a girl in my life who is simularly unattainable. We too work together and can talk for hours on end!I have never met my love interests partner but they have been together longer than I have been have been on the scene and I do feel guilty about my deepest desires towards her! I've not a had a relationship in long time and my history with women involves mostly loniness and humiliation! The advice below is good - but (and no offence to the posters) no one seems to understand what it is like to suddenly find someone who you think can heal you and end the cycle. You are definatly not a bad person for wanting this guy, pursiung him and confronting him about it. Thinking about it rationally it is foolish for you to continue to pursue him. My advice to spend less time with him and his g/f outside of work. He doesn't sound like he is worring about you! You need to be strong and try to occupy yourself with other things!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): Hun, I didn't say you were a 'bad' person...just a person who is lacking some insights, some clear thinking and not using a lot of self-control. You have to use your head-you don't always go with your heart. It's okay to have feelings but use some common sense with those feelings. Especially when you clearly know that these behaviors you and this guy are doing..will hurt another person, not to mention yourself. Already, you say you are in love with him. And I am warning you..you may get dearly hurt. So I will repeat...this guy is probably just simply just flirting with you. Discern his behaviors here. Don't you think if he wanted to be with you, he would've told his gf 'bye-bye' and he'd be dating you? And even if he did..what kind of guy would do that to someone he cares about? Don't you question his character and his lack of self-control as well? If he's doing this to his gf of 2 years...don't you think he's do it you. Would you ever trust him? If you are stating that you cannot ignore the problem, then what is the right thing to do? Avoid them both at all costs. It may be hard to do at work, but you can control your actions if you want to, hun. It's called the 'freedom of choice' on how we behave and it takes strength and character. You can become something more to yourself, but only through your own honest efforts. Don't impose on another female's turf. Go find your own guy.
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female
reader, Liv +, writes (4 June 2007):
 well, personally I would end it with him because if his girlfriend finds out then that would be very horrible for her. But I understand that you like him, so the best thing that you could do is maybe give him a set time to tell his girlfriend about all thats going off, and tell him that if he really has fallen for you then he would end it with his girlfriend. Thats what I would do.
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female
reader, girlygirl +, writes (4 June 2007):
girlygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn reply to Irish- i understand your advice but i just wanted to clear sdomething up- I'm not a bad person and i dont make a habit of this! I'm only friends with her though the guy- she keeps inviting me out with them both which just makes it harder! I've never had a proper boyfriend and I've never had a guy who makes me feel the way he does- i know it's so wrong! But I've fallen for him head over heels and i dont know how to stop the way i feel-I work with him so I see him most days-I can't ignore the problem! x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): Hi hunny
Wow you're in a pretty sticky situation. This guy has been in a two year relationship with his girlfriend. It's probably not what you want to hear but he doesn't really sound like a genuine guy. If he really has fallen for you then why won't he leave his girlfriend? Don't let him string you along or play games with you. I know you don't want to give up but how would you feel if you were his girlfriend? Wouldn't you feel heartbroken? I know I would. Please think really carefully about this. I would advise you to try taking your mind off him by talking to other single guys. You don't want to get the reputation of a 'relationship breaker'. Be careful hun xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): In response to your below posting. You said waht we suggested was "Easier said than done". You know, that is a poor excuse for hurting someone else (his gf), who you claim to be a friend to. You ain't her friend, hun. Your behaviors with her bf means you lack maturity, respect for her and yourself, as well as personal self-control and restraint and that this is also about 'your' ego.I told you what I thought of him flirting with you-now it's time to face how you are contributing to causing pain to another innocent person's life. Don't feign a friendship with her, just to be around her guy. I dunno...maybe you have had too many personal disappointments in the area of your own relationships, and need an ego massage, occasionally too but that fact does not give you license to be cruel to his gf, or to use this friendship as a lauch pad for stealing her bf. Think about that. I am sure you are a better,more decent person than to do that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): you know i had the same thing done to me. My bf was textng some one else and i found out. It hurt like hell. You need to go and find someone that is unavailable you dont even want to think about what his gf would do if she found out what you were doing. You are being disrespectful
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): I agree with rhythmablues. Good answer, by the way. Firstly, this is pretty disrespectful to his gf, don't you think? So why are you wasting all your energies on a guy who is unavailable and you know he won't leave his gf for you. Kind of a useless, waste of time isn't it? This is all about ego, hun..you have to see that. He isn't the first guy to feel complimented by another female's attentions. But let's get it into perspective. The longer you flirt with him, the more you will feel an emotional attachment to him. So... who is going to get hurt in the end? Who has the most to lose in this scenario? Yes..you. Detach, get over the fact that he flirts with you and go find an available man to flirt with. At least with an available guy, your flirting may have an end goal. Finding someone to love and a person who loves you back. You deserve that, don't you? This unavailable guy is just in it..to feel good about himself. You are wasting your time. And it should be pointed out, you are interfering in someone else's relationship..not a very decent, respectable thing to do to his gf, is it? Think on that. Make the best life choices and decisions for your own happiness, hun..take care
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female
reader, girlygirl +, writes (4 June 2007):
girlygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe advice you two gave is reasonable n all but its easier sed thn done- i like him soooo much and we can talk for hours and hours- cant stop thinking about him!
im friends with his girlfriend which makes it weirder but i dont want to give up- maybe im not thinkin staright?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 June 2007):
 Knock off the flirting, it just puts you in a bad light. He's in a relationship, go look for an unattached guy to date. Like Rhythm said, he come after you if he's interested but make sure he's ditched the girlfriend first. Now get out there and have some fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007): I think it is disrespectful to his girlfriend of two years to be flirting with you, and it is very disrespectful to you both for him to tell you that he is falling for you, when he is not available and is in a steady relationship.
This guy is most likely not sincere, but hoping you will pursue him emotionally so he can have a bit on the side. I would move on, stop putting all your emotions (emotional eggs) into one basket, and date someone else...if he is truly interested in you, he will come running, and break up with his girlfriend before doing do. Guys this age do not have any problems going after what they really want.
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