A
female
age
41-50,
*exie
writes:I have been with my partner for 11 years. I always thought that we were happy until 3 years ago when I met a man who made my stomach flip and made me realise that things were missing in our relationship. We were just friends but I looked forward to seeing him. I decided to leave my partner but when we spoke about it I realised that I was making a big mistake as I can’t imagine not having him in my life. Since then I have tried to encourage him to make plans for the future, including children but he turns it back on my career getting in the way. Which in some ways it is, as I am changing career which involves training, but I would still like him to look forward to having a family together. When I say to him that I would like him to have plans for the future he takes it as criticism. I feel that I make all the effort to arrange things to do together, like going out and holidays and he is happy to go along with whatever I arrange. Although sometimes I think he would be happier if I didn’t bother and then he could just watch sports and play computer games. He is not physically affectionate and we rarely make love, sometimes months between and never kiss. I have tried to make our sex life more exciting for example buying sex toys but he doesn’t want to use them. I think about sex a lot. The last time I initiated making love he gave the usual excuse that he was tired and I had to persuade him to do so, when we do the sex is good. I have recently met another man who I find myself attracted to. I’m enjoying the attention but he’s probably just being friendly and like that to everyone so this makes me feel sad that something so meaningless has so much meaning for me. I like being with him for the friendly banter but I feel that I should be working on whats missing in my relationship. I don’t know what else to do.
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female
reader, Mexie +, writes (21 July 2009):
Mexie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies :) they make a lot of sense, sometimes it's hard to know if you are compromising too much or expecting too much. But I think I will talk to my partner again and be more direct!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): you feel you should be working on what's missing because that is what you really want.
you lust the other guy.. and you want the PHYSICALL aspects that you are not recieving... (WHICH is fine)...
but, you need to have the conversation with him. Not the round about passive moves that women tend to do.
The HEY YOU!! I love you but things have got to change.. I want you more than anything but Im not dead yet talk.
Tell him you cant take it anymore and you WANT and NEED change. Men understand direct language better than... "if i get close to him he might snuggle with me"... he won't get that...
He will understand... "this sucks, I love you, I want you, and this living like brother and sister shit.. is over.
Communication is the key... and with him it must be direct. he is direct in what he says to you--(your career is in the way) that is probably exactly what he thinks. No if, ands or butts about it.
To the second issue of him not making plans. Men do not think of years down the road, women do. Women dream about the day.. not men. they see right now, today. Why would they dilly dally in the future if your career is in the way? If you take away all the emotion and just see the exact lines you will understand where he is comming from.
I know this is hard.. but I think you can work it out with a clear and unclouded conversation.
good luck and I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (20 July 2009):
 Have you ever thought that maybe your marriage is over?It sounds you're trying so hard to make it work and your husband is not having none of it....so of course another man comes along pays you attention it will excite you and confuse you....but you need to make your mind up....is your husband the man you want to continue spending the rest of your life with? if not then you should leave him...maybe that will kick him into gear.....or maybe then you can be with a man who gives you everything you need that you don't focus more on another man!
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A
male
reader, Jason32477  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 Eleven years is a long time to be with someone and just throw it all away.On the other hand you need more than your partner is offering.I know you have tried talking to your partner in the past but try again.Let him know you feel something is missing and what you want from him.If that doesn`t work I would suggest counseling.If even that doesn`t help then maybe it is time to move on.
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