A
female
age
41-50,
*ConfusedChick
writes:I recently brokeup with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. Actually this is our second breakup because last year I ended things when it felt like he really just didn't want to be with me anymore. But to my surprise he said he felt the exact opposite and begged for me to come back and he would start seeing a therapist to deal better with the depression he'd been battling for about 8 months. So if you do the math we had a great relationship for about 6 months and then he went into this depression and things just fell apart day by day until I decided to leave. But because he was so confident that therapy would help I went back and really tried to be there and at first it seemed to be going ok...but about 6 months later when I thought we were getting closer to an engagement he was no communicating to me that he really wasn't ready yet, but I didn't leave because my hope was that he would come around. But he didn't and around October of this year I started thinking more about leaving instead of what I could do to try and make things work. Unfortunately before I could find the courage to end it I got this call from a girl claiming to be someone he had been dating for the past 8 months and I was devastated. Apparently they met on the same dating site I met him on and at first were friends helping each other through some difficult times, but over time things became messy and he had once told her that I was an ex but really good friend. This and more came from her in a single conversation. I called him out on it and he did not deny it. I knew he was a private person who found it hard to communicate his feelings but I never thought he could be this secretive or deceitful. I am heartbroken but I ended it ... Again. Clearly a year of supposed therapy did nothing. So now I'm a year older, 37, never married and fear that my dreams of marriage and family will not come true. I am educated and successful but have struggled with weight and self esteem issues for a very long time. I'm not extremely obese or anything but during this relationship I have gained 35lbs that I had lost before I met this man.Fast forward to today. I am doing much better after crying for about a week straight and leaning on my friends and family a ridiculous amount. And all was faily quite. But now he's texting me and says that he knows now how much he wants me and that he's been open with his family about his mistakes and he's getting a new therapist and could I ever find it in my heart to work on us ever again? He says he knows he will never be able to make up for what he did but he knows he needs to change and he's willing to prove his sincerity with actions. I told him this was just words on a phone and they didn't mean anything because he's lied and kept so much from me including confiding in someone I didn't even know existed. He said he was in for the long haul and he wanted to fight for me and us if I would just give him the chance. I told him to please go work on himself. But he keeps telling me how much he misses me and wants me. I am so confused. I was right to leave, but I feel like I've lost hope regarding my dreams. Do I keep the door open to see if he is sincere this time or do I cut all communications and hope to find someone new? I'm not 25 here and I love him very much. But I don't want to waste another year of my life on someone who is not committed to changing himself and respecting a relationship and commitment to me. Help me figure this out...
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female
reader, synchrohobbit +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Think about it from this perspective: would you want your children to have this man as their father? Although right now he seems like a warm body and a sperm hub that could provide you with a family, I can guarantee it will become much much worse if kids are brought into the picture. There are so many dating options and ways to meet people these days; take some time to work on yourself and, in the meantime, block his calls.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 If you keep in touch with him then you will be wasting your time, you have already wasted enough time on him so now you need to move on.
I think the only reason you want to keep the door open is because you feel that it would be quicker and easier to marry him and have kids with him because you know him - rather than going through the process of meeting someone new.
But if you removed your age and desire for a family from the equation - what would you want to do? Imagine you are 30 and have been with a man for 2.5 years, broken up twice in the past and he has cheated on you by having an affair for 8 months. Would you put up with that and let him back into your life? I bet the answer would be a big fat no, you wouldnt stand for being treated in that manner.
This man clearly cannot function alone, he leans on women to make himself feel better rather than actually dealing with his depression on his own. I bet his other woman has left him or isnt interested anymore, and he has no other prospects so he has come back to you because he thinks you are a pushover.
Dont let him back into your life, he will only hurt you again and you will waste more time on someone that is not mentally capable of being in a loving faithful relationship because of his depression. Let him go once and for all, and move on to find someone new - this is not the man for you.
Yes a family and marriage would be amazing, almost all women want that in life. But it isnt worth putting up with a cheater, a liar and someone who is clearly ill and needs time alone just for the sake of a ring on your finger and a baby. There are options in terms of fertility for you as you get older, and I know plenty of people who have had children in their early 40's so all is not lost. Dont give up on love and a happy marriage just because the biological clock is ticking....you can still have both, there is still time for that.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Honey cut all contact with him and keep strong about it. I can totally understand why you are doubting your decision. You want marriage and the perfect relationship, you feel that time is running out on you and you have self esteem issues so you are going to settle for your ex in hope that he will change. But no he will not change, he kept this up for 8 months, I would see the point if he made a single mistake and admitted to it then yes I would say maybe you should see how it goes, but 8 months? Come on don't try and kid yourself here, he was getting the best out of both worlds. He is not serious about you, never has been and never will be. Can you honestly say that you would be able to trust him and forget everything?
You made the right choice, now you need to remain strong and stick to it. You are better off alone than with this guy who is just going to waste your time and break your heart. Give yourself some time to get over him and then get out there and start meeting new people. Good luck.
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