A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:well i dont even really know where to start. me and my bf have been dating for 15 months now. i am currently ending my first year in college, and about to go home in one week. he is still in high school, a senior, and lives back home(i go to college 7 hrs away, dont see him except for breaks like xmas and such). since ive been gone at college, its been hard on us. i get stressed since i am in a difficult school, and didnt find my group of friends that i clicked with til recently. because of this, i would be cranky a lot towards him and fight about stupid things, which lead our relationship downhillfor the past few months, like 5, we've been getting into worse fights. whenever it happens, he reverts into this mode and says things like 'i dont care about what you think, i dont love u anymore'. sometimes afterwards he says he doesnt mean it. sometimes he says that he cant love me when we fight. i know thats wrong and love should be unconditional, but ive been with him so long and like him so much that its hard to break up with him like thats the right thing to do.anyway we had another fight a weekish ago and he said he wanted a break. during a fight 2 months ago he also said this but we 'parted' on good terms, and it only lasted a predetermined 5 days. the break didnt really help btw. this time, he wanted a break cuz (he was angry when he said this) he wanted time to himself, and not have to worry about having a gf, such as calling me at night or respondnig to my texts, stuff like that. so this happened two days ago and the agreement was a weeklong break, no contact except for one or two 10min phone calls, just to check up on each other. but the day after (im stressed cuz im in the middle of finals week and all) i felt liek this was wrong and that he was just stringing me along as he figured out if he wanted a gf or not. so i called him and talked to him about it, wanted to clarify exactly why he wanted the break (as i said above, to see wat its like not having to worry about having a gf) and wat the terms of the break were - if we were still "committed" or if we were allowed to "mess around" (not that i would) with other people during it. he said (after hesitating some) that we would still be togehter, especially since im returning home for the summer soon. i felt a little better after getting my answers so we hung upthe next day (yesterday) i again was feeling crappy about the break. id be ok not talking to him, its the fact that i dont know whats hes feeling. i dont want to waste my studying time and my happiness worrying about if hes deciding he doesnt want a gf anymore while im wishing time passes faster so i can talk to him again. so i again, stupidly (i regret this) texted him to call me cuz i was feeling sad. he did, tho we werent supposed to be talking on the break. during the convo, i basically asked him to compromise his idea of the break and he got pissed off, saying how i had already agreed to a break and he was 'so happy and excited' that the break was happeningthat is such a bad sign. how can someone who is supposed to love me be so happy to...not have to talk or worry about me? or is it possible that taking a break will really help? ive been reading lots of online stuff about taking breaks, and some seem to think that taking a break could help, especially if the couple has been fighting a lot. but the fact that he wants it so bad and is so happy that its happening hurts me. i asked him if it made him so happy to not deal with me, why not break up for real instead of "taking a break?" he didnt really give me an answer for that. i almost suggested that we just break up completely, so that i get the power and the say in the relationship and not get strung along til he figures out what he wants, but its hard.i need to study for my last final (i did badly on the first two because ive been sad over this situation). he also had told me that he hasnt been happyin our relationship for a while, too. i am really trying not to contact him, because this is what he really wants and if i do, i know itll just make it worse. but... im so conflicted. part of me is like 'wait, maybe he will miss u and maybe the break really is what u need for the relationship to work.' but the other part is like.. 'he told u he was happy to not worry about having a gf, so u should just end it now while u still can, instead of waiting for him to decide when HES ready to.' but its also hard cuz im going home, something both of us had been looking forawrd to for a while since we never see each other, butn ow its...defintiely something im not looking forward to cuz if i go home and we're not together, that will really hurt.i dont really know what im asking for. perhaps opinions on what i should do, maybe personal opinions and experiences? i know our relationship is very unhealthy, but im too weak to be strong and break up with him, though ive tried to but always wimped out. i feel like i have to wait, but its so hard waiting and not knowing whats happening with him (besides knowing he is happy! but wauhuasdha we used to be really happy together, before college). i guess i also just need somewhere to discuss this with unbiased people, and maybe that will help pass the time.please feel free to ask me anything about this, and i promise that i will tell u (within reason and respect of course). we never really specified when the break was going to be over, but im planning on calling him on tuesday night (the night before i go home) and seeing how things are. please comment! thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys. well, still sticking by the plan to call him tuesday night so i kno where things stand before i go home weds. im really sad because at college, i can distance myself at least and surround myself with friends. but its differnt at home, when im more... forced to deal with it i suppose, and its strange because i used to see him a lot when i was home. another thing is we never really agreed on a time to 'end' a break, just roughly around the time i went home seemed to be a mutual agreement, but im scared he'll get mad at me again when i call him on tues night. any advice on that one? should i text him in the afternoon being like 'i hope ur enjoyed the break, im going home tmw so ill call u later tonight?'
obviously this is such a minor detail but im stressing about it. thanks for all ur posts and support. i still have one final left tues afternoon, and im going to not do as well as i want bc of this situation. ive been really trying to force myself to think we should break up and to be strong about it, but that feeling is fleeting and i kno deep down, im just waiting for tuesday to come so i can get answers.
again, i suppose im just asking for support and i thank u guys so much. ill keep u updated
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (10 May 2008):
 Yes I have been in this same relationship with this exact guy. Not literally of course. I know it is not what you want to hear but you need to leave him. Truthfully, he doesn't care. He seems immature as well. To be so rude to you when you are sad over the break? And for him to be so happy? I know you say you don't have the strength to leave him. You do. I'm telling you now it is so much better for you to do it first. He is making you feel like absolute crap and it is so much worse that he is so happy and you are the one worrying everynight about whether it will work out or not. He doesn't seem to care either way. I'm not sure how you are able to handle that, I wasn't. It hurts like hell when you break up... but later on down the road you will regret waiting around for him to do it and wish you had had the confidence to stick up for yourself and how you should be treated. I've been there too. It simply needs to be done. And I know all about wanting the relationship to not end because of plans you have made or something you have looked forward to together, but it happens. And once again, it hurts like hell when you aren't able to go through what you both looked forward to. You do get past it. Really though, even if you had a great summer (which I doubt), won't the same thing happen at school next year? And imagine this guy at college... He will definitely be worse than now. You most likely won't end it I know, but if nothing else then keep your mind off of it! Get on this site a lot, watch television. Watching new movies (no romance movies) or tv shows you haven't seen before keeps your mind preoccupied. Same for if you break up. Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with family and friends. Get a summer job where you can work with a lot of guys just so you see you DO have options out there. Volunteer. Anything. Everyone has to suffer a broken heart atleast one time in their life unfortunately. Being where you are at now in the relationship is more sad than being alone. Feeling like someone doesn't care about you is a terrible feeling, especially when you love them so much. This hurt to read because I know exactly how you feel right now. I really wish you the best of luck. Please don't stay in a relationship when the guy doesn't treat you right... He is just going to make you feel more crappy. Email me if you want/need to.
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A
female
reader, growing  +, writes (10 May 2008):
 Ok lemme tell you what you can do in these days just to occupy yourself.
Get registered with this site and then start giving advice to others.
Believe me you will feel better and when one gives suggestions then one tends to follow them too.
just try.
Reading here these many questions will clear you that you are in better situation..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to u too. though of course, the only one that can really fix this situation is me (or me and him...), ur responses made me feel a lot better. its been hard today not contacting him, but i feel obligated to give him his space. i dont think it will even help that he has space, and that we will just end up breaking up when i go back home. i am planning on callin him tues night to see where things stand, before i return home. i am very nervous, and its a strange feeling not wanting that day to come (bc of finals, leaving college friends, nervous abt wat might happen with him), but wanting it at the same time.
what do u think i should do in the meantime? i just need support i suppose, but i need to...fix my mind on something. i could decide all this stuff and everything, but it might not even matter if he decides that we're over anyway. :(
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (9 May 2008):
This is an abusive relationship!! Its not healthy.
Let me point out some of the main thigns that I find so wrong in this relationship.
When hes angry he says he doesnt love you. True love IS UNCONDITIONAL! You cant stop loving someone and turn off your feelns when you are angry. Sure you might not be in the most lovey dovey mood, but that doesnt give him the right to say such abusive thigns and make you feel unloved. Him saying 'i dont care about what you think' is exstremely immature!!!! He should care what you think, you are his gf. Your bf should be considerate of your thoughts and feelings and he is clealy not doing this.
I know after you guys fights he takes back what he says, but that STILL DOES NOT MAKE IT OK. Thats what abusers do. They abuse, then in fear of loosing their partner, they take it back and PRETEND to be sorry and apologetic in order to keep their bf/gf.
You are finding it hard to break up with him and thats completely understandable, i know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship.
However think about it this way...your bf pretty easily seems to say 'i want a break' whenever he pleases. He pretty easily gets himself out of being a bf. And honestly what sort of bf goes on a break beause he is too lazy and doesnt care enough about anyone besides himself as he cant be bothered doing 'bf things' such as texting goodnight etc/????? As for the terms and conditions. Deep down in your gut do you believe him? I mean honestly, if he wants to clear himself of 'bf duties', but isnt gona sleep around? yeah right....i reckon he might just be saying that to make sure YOU stay commited. Its all about controllng you and him doing WHATEVER he wnats.
"how can someone who is supposed to love me be so happy to...not have to talk or worry about me?" You are so right. Listen to what your gut is telling you. Thats not good or right. People who are in love do need ab reak sometmes, its only healthy to need that. But to the extent of which he is going to isnt right. If he was a true loving decent guy he would say 'darling, i love you so much but i need sometime to myself right now ok', or smething along those lines. He would stilll love and miss you. He was pretty insesntive to you when you contacted him.
I sense that maybe you blame yourself for his abusive behaviour? You said that you were cranky towards him because of the friend issue, so this lead to the relatonship downhill...that doesnt matter. It doesnt give him the right to do what hes doing. Well its not your fault at all ok.
Seriously hunny, this relationship is so wrong and you knwo it. Its all about him controlling you- that break was his way of having all the power and control. I bet if you rung him right now and said 'im breaking up with u' and hung the phone up he would be knocking on ur doorstep with flowers. BEcause YOU TOOK CONTROL abusers cant survive or abuse people without their control.
You did research on taking breaks, i suggest you research emotionally abusive relationships. You will be suprised how much your relationship seems like one. Also, find the support and strength you need to leave him. You said you dont have the strength, you need to find it somewhere. FORCE YOURSEFL! I know its hard....i went through what you went througb but i finally found it.
Message me if you want some extra support, id be glad to!
Rememeber you deserve so much more then a relationship that makes you feel this way!!
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A
female
reader, growing +, writes (9 May 2008):
Why you are running into things??why you want to control his life??why you need him every now and then??if he can enjoy break,then why don't you try to??why you keep calling him and bothering him and give him hint as if you are nowhere without him??
grow up!!though am still growing.lol!!
stop thinking about everyhting.relaxxxxxx!!!take a deep breath and now read...
You two don't get to see each other so tiffs are often unavoidable.You should be happy that you are having chance to rediscover your love.just plan your holidays and make sure when you go back to yr home.you clear all the issues.ALL MEANS ALL.okhh?at the most he will say that he is nomore in love withn you.
????
Now you know that he is not the one.so stop thinking about him.it will hurt to death but will that bring him back,his same feelings that he has for you?
you are above 18 and i expect you too behave one.
you are not studying and wasting your time on this relationship which is not even having life long commitment.you decide for yourself.but lemme tell you that without studies even he will not like to be with you.everyone thinks about stable future.so concentrate on studies.
Noone remains secluded from true love.if you don't get this chap ,then he is just not for you.simple!!
Now don't cry like a baby.have a glass of water and take beauty sleep to avoid dark circles and eat healthy for glowing skin.
why????
cos you are meeting him.just prepare for that.he should know that what he's losing.
cheers!!
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