A
male
age
,
*bear
writes:My story is way too long so I will do all I can to exercise brevity as much as possible.My wife and I where married for 24 years before she decided that life for her was horrible and always has been, she just didn't know it until a counselor opened her eyes. So she secretly rented another apartment, rented a storage facility, opened separate financial accounts, and had plans to leave me the moment a $20,000 check arrived. I found out just shortly before and when the check arrived, I moved half to a newly created checking out in only my name being fair to her and protecting myself.We got back together about 6 months later. I had a lot, and still have some, issues about how everything transpired. She was a size 24 woman and would ask me if I still wanted her because our sex life was lacking. It was lacking because of the issues I had with all that had happened. At this point she still hadn't told me the any reasons why she left. As I began letting issues go, our sex life began returning to normal.As time past, she decided to have bariatric surgery. It was successful and she is now a size 2. Sex got even better for a while, but now... nothing. I have to tell her I want sex, and she obliges. I can't remember the last time she gave me oral sex, but wants oral sex from me.We discussed it because it is a growing problem for me. She says she simply doesn't think about sex anymore and she doesn't know why. Some days she'll come home and pretty much jump me, so I ask about those times. She tells me that some of the books she reads makes her think about sex, so when she gets home she's ready to go.I know she's not cheating on me because she works a lot of overtime and her checks verify the hours. When she's not at work she's with me or at home. I know she loves me, but the lack of intimacy is eating at me, the fact that I don't feel desired tears at me, and her offer of obligatory sex makes masturbating to a porno more appealing of an offer.We recently celebrated our 27th anniversary. I bought her 2 dozen roses, took her out to lunch, had a great dinner at a upscale restaurant, and gave her a gift. She didn't get me anything. It's never been a problem in past because we always give of ourselves if nothing else. Don't get caught up in the lack of her gift giving because that's just background. Anyway, last night she offered nothing but a kiss goodnight. I'm a sexually active male, and getting really frustrated with this whole disinterest in sex thing.Is it worth giving up 27 years and moving on to find a more complete and fulfilling relationship? I have a married friend that I "see" from time-to-time. We meet a need in each other, and both are happy with out respective spouses, so she is very much a friend with benefits. Should I keep my friend who fills that need and be happy at home?
View related questions:
anniversary, at work, friend with benefits, got back together, oral sex, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): There is just no justifying cheating on your wife, no matter how you try. Does your wife know about you getting sex on the side? Solid marriages are built on trust. Your wife messed up first and you are still not over it. She broke your trust by getting the apartment behind your back. But you are still refusing to believe that she was unhappy and that she still is! Lack of interest in sex is usually a mental issue for women. You already went to a medical doctor and found nothing physically wrong with her. Maybe the two of you could try marriage counseling to get past this. (also twice a month really isn't bad for being together for 27 years, I know younger married couples who do it only twice a month!) I think you have to find a way to forgive her for the past and then move on from there (get ride of the mistress too). Or divorce and still stop sleeping with the other woman. She has a husband; it is a terrible thing the two of you are doing to him!
A
male
reader, tbear +, writes (7 August 2008):
tbear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess in my attempt to be as brief as possible, I left out some pertinent details.
Prior to 9/11 everything was great. Friends were envious of our marriage. I had a great management position with a telecommunications company and there was no indicator of dissatisfaction or discontent on either of us. However 9/11 changed our lives permanently. I won't go into details about what happened that day, but will say that because of it, I am now on permanent disability and get help keeping myself together.
I went through years of seeing a psychiatrist and counselors to recover as far as I have. That whole event put a tremendous strain on our relationship because I had to rely on her at one point for pretty much everything. I couldn't drive for over a year.
After I got past needing the counseling she thought it may help her. Knowing what it did for me, I encouraged it. What happened shocked me. Not only did she come away feeling like she'd been unhappy since 9/11, but she decided that she'd never been happy the 24 years before. All the traveling, raising kids, and good times we had were no longer "good times".
The "she simply doesn't think about sex anymore and she doesn't know why." are her words not mine. I never said that we NEVER have sex. It's just rare and far between. We have sex maybe twice in a month if I'm really lucky. That is not enough for my libido.
As for my cheating on her, in truth I don't feel bad. I have talked about what's wrong in our sex life for over a year. I have accompanied her to doctor visits to see if there is anything medically wrong that could be addressed with medication, I have exhausted everything that I know to do to help without getting results.
I don't have a relationship beyond friends with benefits with this other woman. I am supportive of her when she has trouble in her marriage, and she is supportive of me. We are not considering, nor will we ever get together as a couple. Each of us knows what this is, and it's just getting the missing piece in our life that our spouses cannot fill. Other than that missing piece, everything else is great. She doesn't live in the local area, so I'm not out all the time with her. I see her maybe 4 times a year. But those 4 times are plenty, and for those four times, I get what I've been missing.
I love my wife very much and this isn't by any means easy. Even if I were to decide to give up 27 years, this other woman is not where I would end up. She has a largely successful marriage with a couple of problems, but happy overall with her hubby. I'm not trying to sabotage that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): So you wrote alot here, but you didn't give good describing information. But this is what is bothering me. You say she, 'decided that life for her was horrible and always has been, she just didn't know it until a counselor opened her eyes." Well, people don't go to counselors because they are happy/fufilled/content. So you sound very dismissive of her feelings. They you say, "she simply doesn't think about sex anymore and she doesn't know why. Some days she'll come home and pretty much jump me" You don't have sex, but yet sometimes she comes home and 'jumps' you. So which is the truth? Yet another problem I have with this is you know she isn't cheating on you, but you don't seem to feel bad that you are cheating on her?
Sounds like you're already are out of the relationship to me. Either you stop cheating and try to help your wife with her problems, and YOUR problems, or you leave her. You can't justify cheating. You either stay and work at a relationship or you end it. It sounds like BOTH of you are trying to destroy this marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dreamie Tofu +, writes (6 August 2008):
Although im young but coming from your story i think you should give her more surprises and take her out more. Kind of remind her of the fresh beginning of your relationship with her. Her lack of the sex drive can be cause that shes going through menopause and feelings are coming through. you say she get turn on when she reads book dealing with sex? why not watching a movie together that can have sexual contact.=]
...............................
|
