A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a girl in Spain for roughly 4 months. Things between us are quite sensational, physically, mentally...etc..its amazing. We're both in our 30's. The problem is, I don't know where we are at, in terms of commitment. I'm not sure If I should treat this as a legit relationship, etc... part of me hesitates to do so, as it could change a good thing. However, at the moment I'm on vacation, in the States, and I'm not sure If I should call, or what. I've never referred to her as my "girlfriend". Oncewe discussed the idea of "being with other people"- one night stands, etc..and she stated that she didn't mind if I did. That it wouldn't make her jealous. I replied that she could do the same, but that she'd have to do it without me, because I WOULD be jealous. It seems that was enough for her to decide not to be with other people, and she admitted that, that was the farthest thing from her thoughts, but somehow she felt restricted.I told her my intention was not to restrict her, but just to let her know thatbeing with someone else, would mean that its over between us. She didn't care for that option. Its clear that we love each other....butI suppose I'm afraid of "restricting her"...she comes from a strict catholic up-bringing, so restriction is a sensitive issue. But I love her and want this to go deeper, eventually. I'm just not sure how to treat things from here. Take it slower, faster, call more often. Now that I'm in the States, I call her once a week or less, but somehow I sense that is not enough. Anyway...if you understand the question, as confusing at it may be...some advice would be swell. thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your warm advice. It was really appreciated. Any you're right. I love her very much.
Thanks!!!
EK
A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother  +, writes (26 August 2008):
 Hola! Perhaps I'm old-fashioned but I think if you've been seeing someone for 4 months and you sleep together, then you have a relationship.
It sounds to me as though you are both scared to admit your true feelings for one another, for fear you might frighten the other person away. She sounds to be waiting to follow your lead and vice versa.
If I were her I would be feeling rather insecure because a) you have been talking about being with other people and b) you haven't been calling her very much. There is a big difference between restricting someone and caring for them. Where is the romance in making a weekly phone call, that's how often you should be phoning your parents not your girlfriend?!
I think you need to 'face your fear and do it anyway', i.e. tell her and show her how you really feel about her. Don't be frightened to tell her your fears either, we girls love that! I think you might find that if you open up to her, she will respond in the same way. There is the chance of course this could all go belly-up, which is always the risk one takes. I very much doubt it though.
Good luck!
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