A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i know of someone who has been unfaithful to their parner.they live together and have a kid. i dont want to be stuck in the middle of all this but i also dont want to snitch because its i dont want to be involved in all this.so the unfaithful (U) has fallen for (L), the thing is U talks about L all the time, except when U's partner(P) is around. Everything looks suspicious to me because i already know whats going on. i think P has a feeling something is going on.U talks about L all the time to whoever, not necessarily about intimacy but about anythning other than that. what worries me is the kid who seems to be around everytime U talks about L. the kid is honestly being neglected at times when U wants to be with L. also the kid hears parts of the conversation U has about L. anyone has any advice or piece of wisdom they could share cause i know a lot of people are living the same situation. thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): thanks for the advice. all i been doing is listening to what U has to say. i try to stay busy and prevent the conversation from popping up or prevent being part of this in any shape or form. i still worry about the kid. kids have ears and mouths, they are so innocent, they say anything without the intention of doing any wrong.thanks everyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): my advise would be to not tell his partner. because his partner might get mad at you. but on the otherhand they have a kid together, and he shouldn't be acting the way he is with a kid. maybe you could talk to him and tell what he is doing is wrong, and he should look at all the people he is hurting.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (23 October 2010):
 Coming from my own personal experience, I know its difficult and weighing on your conscious, but stay out of it. The person being cheated on may know..and be looking the other way. I made the mistake one time when I was very young of telling a friend that I thought their spouse was cheating on them (I KNEW THEY WERE, but I didn't want to say that). I tried to bring it up diplomatically and very carefully with sensitivity. It backfired. That person went home, told their spouse, the spouse lied, then called me up and called me a troublemaker, liar..ect...and went all over town spreading lies about me. It really hurt. I lost 2 friends over this, and 6 months later the couple divorced anyways. Turns out everyone in town knew about the cheater, EXCEPT the spouse. Cheaters tend to screw up and be found out...let sleeping dogs lie.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 October 2010):
Hi there. Why does she rave on about the affair to others? It's no-one else's business.
What is it she hopes to achieve? There seems no point really to shooting her mouth off to anyone who will listen, about an illicit affair she is having.
Why bother?
Maybe she wants her partner to find out. Or maybe she is trying to make him jealous - to see if he cares. Even though she does it when he's not around, perhaps she doesn't give a damn. She might be hoping that her child will blurt it out to his father one day, then the cat is out of the bag once and for all.
There's very little you can do about it, except ask her why she is having the affair in the first place. That's if you can talk to her in that way, if you are fairly close.
Perhaps there is something missing in her life - fun. Sometimes people have affairs when they are bored, and it's very rarely about the sex. But more about living a more interesting life, and casual sex seems like an easy way out. But the truth is, it's more of an escape than a deliberate course of action.
Different people use different escapes, internet surfing, drugs, alcohol, becoming a workaholic, visiting internet chat sites, internet porn sites, and of course casual sex, as I've already mentioned. I'm sure there are many others as well.
Instead of having an affair, and talking about this guy all the time, which doesn't solve any problems, she'd be better off to think about her life and what she doesn't like about it at the moment. If you were to ask her - "What don't you like about your life?" - she would probably say - "Everything!"
But that's not the truth, because there are good parts and not so good parts. They are certainly not all bad. It's probably only a few small things that really annoy her, but they affect all other parts of her life as well. So maybe it all feels bad - to her at least.
Perhaps her problem might be that she doesn't have enough time to spend on herself, just doing nice things for her - like going to see a nice movie, reading a good book, pursuing some hobbies. Perhaps it's a combination of not enough "Me Time" for her, plus her partner doesn't treat her as well as she'd like him to. A feeling of being taken for granted. It can happen. Some of the original spark from when they first met, might have faded since their child came along.
Unfortunately, as much as you would like to help her, the final choice about her life and how she lives it is entirely up to her.
Ultimately, she will surely realize that having an affair doesn't really help at all. In fact, she is probably not even in love with the guy. It's nothing more than an escape so she doesn't have to deal with the real life issues she has. It probably numbs her temporarily from having to think about what would really make her life complete. An affair clearly isn't it.
The reason she raves on and on about this guy, is probably because it's a bit of a novelty. Something new and fresh (the affair, I mean). So what we are really talking about here, is newness and freshness. Something she feels is missing from her life with her partner. Her life has probably become very predictable from day to day. She almost can say what she is going to be doing for the whole week - without even giving it much thought.
So with this being the case, she just needs to make her life as interesting and exciting as it can be from now on. Meet with her friends once a week, for coffee and cake and catch a movie together. Start up some interesting hobbies. Just generally making time for herself. It should be of top priority.
Her life can be whatever she wants it to be, she just has to decide what it is that she wants.
The best place to start is by identifying the things in her life that she doesn't like. Then eliminate or modify them as necessary, until there are no more annoying situations at all. Or at least with the appropriate changes, they will no longer be a problem to her. Then she can start to add things, after she gets rid of the annoyances.
Also, putting up some boundaries in her life, by learning to say "No" sometimes. Realizing that her needs are just as important as everyone else's. No-one else's needs are any more important than hers. She deserves to have her personal, emotional and spiritual needs all met and on a regular basis. She must not put others before herself.
If you are always giving to others and not to yourself, after a while that well runs dry. Then you can no longer give. The more you give to yourself (time), then the more you are able to give to others and the more you want to.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 October 2010):
 A few years ago I knew of a couple where the man confessed to my husband that he was cheating on his wife. I was a friend of his wife. I felt I couldn't say anything because it would have betrayed my husband and cause problems at work (since he worked with the man). The man was a serial cheat and eventually I found out that his wife knew about his cheating ways anyway and chose to ignore it. She wouldn't talk about it but she caught him on several occasions and decided to stay with him and have more kids anyway. Our friendship drifted apart because I didn't feel comfortable being around the drama knowing that she wouldn't act on the information anyway. I think you are in a similarly difficult situation. I don't think you can say anything because there is every chance the anger of the revelation would impact on you - it is not unusual to 'shoot the messenger' when you find out your partner is a cheat due to misplaced anger. I think all that you can do is sit back and wait for the explosion. If the affair is known of in the community then it won't be long before something happens. In the meantime if you feel uncomfortable around this, avoid your friend or tell this person to stop talking about the affair as it makes you feel awkward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): I don't know what the consequences of you telling her could be. Does L know about P? If it's effecting the kid then it porbably needs to be sorted out, but you need to think is a separation best for the kid. You need to think how both of them will react if it comes out. Once you have taken these things into consideration and you think it won't be to bad then go ahead and tell P because she deserves to know. Sorry I couldn't be anymore help. Good luck x
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