A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. It has always been an issue for me to trust people. I have been trying very hard to trust him, but he talks to a lot of girls because he is in the entertainment business. Once he left his phone in the bathroom and (stupidly) I looked through it, only to find of course what I was looking for. He was texting some girl inappropriately in the middle of the night. They would talk about meeting up, but as far as I know it never actually happened. (He doesn't have a car right now, would have had to take mine.)He tells me over and over again that he's so in love with me, and that he wants to end up marrying me and spending the rest of his life with me. And I believe him.Last night we went out with some friends, and this morning I was on his computer and saw a message he had sent one of the girls we went out with. This girl has been a friend of his for a long time, and we've hung out with her since he and I started dating. His message to her said something like "I know I shouldn't say this, but I wanted to be honest with you. You looked really good tonight. Whenever I see you, I have urges." And then they went on to say how they should hang out and talk soon.I'm not sure how to handle this. I know it's wrong for me to snoop through his stuff, however it's totally wrong for him to lie to me about this kind of stuff all the time. It's ruining my trust for him. I'm not sure what to do. I just feel like breaking down.. Any advice or suggestions or insight would be greatly appreciated.Should I confront him about this?
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female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I've been in the exactly same place as you. My ex left his phone in the kitchen and was passed out drunk on the bed. We were in a long distance relationship but i stayed with him for 3 months so got to see his behaviour day in, day out. He was always secretive with his phone, took it everywhere with him, I used it a few times and his text conversations and call history had always been deleted and he would sit in the car talking on the phone before coming in the house after work.I snooped through it that night because my suspicions got the better of me. I checked texts, calls, emails, facebook, myspace EVERYTHING. and what did i find? Everything I was looking for. Inappropriate texts, emails and pictures sent and recieved to various girls. He had met girls after work, telling me he was working late or stuck in traffic etc. Whats even more sad is that in the morning I confronted him and he denied it to the ground, eventhough the evidence was all there. The excuses he came up with were bizarre, for example 'My friends been using my phone' It broke my heart obviously because I was in love with him and without the suspicious behaviour, we had an amazing relationship (well so i thought). No matter how much of a great girlfriend you are... Some men just cant help themselves! I hope you confront him and generally walk away. I stayed for too long, to the point where I started believing his excuses. But reading the phone was the final straw for me and should be for you! I wish you all the best, because you deserve somebody who worships the ground you walk on and would do anything to keep you happy!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Normally I would say its completely wrong to snoop through others emails or texts. However in this case he's saying he has "urges". I think it would be best to leave now while you can. I think there was a reason for you to be suspicious. Sorry I don't have something better to say.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (31 January 2011):
If you haven't got trust in a relationship, you have nothing!
I suggest you be the bigger person here... and walk out of this relationship with your head held high. As hard as it is going to be, tell him that you want out, the relationship has gone a little mundane... by god that will shock him for starters. If you let him know you have been snooping, he will twist it somehow and say you are jealous, insecure, needy or that he can't trust you again for going through his personal stuff. You are holding the cards here... get out whilst you are winning.
You deserve better, he should not be flirting or contacting women in this manner... he basically just tells you what you want to hear so that he has a quiet life. GET OUT HUN!!
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): It doesn't sound good. These messages sound more than just casual words. If you want to try and make it work with him you are going to have to talk to him - which will mean him knowing about the snooping. But I think you have little choice unless you are prepared to turn a blind eye. Alternatively you have to end it. If he is that sort of guy, a bit of a serial flirt etc then maybe you should just cut your loses.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 January 2011):
I think you should by-pass the confrontation and get on and leave. When he was first texting girls inappropriately, you gave him a second chance. Since then, all he's really done is prove himself untrustworthy. That email you found was pretty damning really. Either he has cheated, or he will cheat.
I just don't see how you can make this work. He won't change, and you've already proved that. So now you need to decide whether you are worth more or not.
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