A
female
age
51-59,
*aeStay
writes:My boyfriend and I have dated off and on for twenty years. At some point, he married a woman and had more kids with her while having one with me. Needless to say, this has caused some rocky times. Basically, he has been juggling both of us this whole time. The interesting thing, is that aside from this major disrespect, in manner and speech directly with me he is very respectful and deferential to me and a best friend. He is someone I love very much who is my best friend. Because he has constantly juggled us both, I have tried to date other men and even gone long periods of time without seeing him. But, I very rarely am ever interested in anyone else, and, if I am, it does not work out... usually because the guy does something extreme. I do not like dating as many men as it seems my friends say it takes to find a good one. I am very unhappy that my boyfriend does not love me enough to really want me in the same way that a committed full time boyfriend should. Our son is growing up and gone a lot. I am left alone and it is really obvious now more than ever when he is unavailable. I'm really scared because I know I will never find anyone I like who will like me back enough. I'm just never into anyone else. This New Years Eve I was really sad he was not with me and when I was out I saw all the couples everywhere. Ive never before done anything like this but I sent him mean text messages. I figured I am well overdue. Of course, he was so nice to me that afternoon, he knowing I was upset over him not going with me. It makes me feel guilty treating him that way though I know he deserves worse. I know I need a new boyfriend. I am just never attracted to anyone. I'm alone so much as it is, its not like I should be afraid of not having a boyfriend because it is more like I do not have one than I do. I'm nervous and distressed over all this and scared. Maybe I am depressed? I do not get why I am making a big deal over this now. Last time, I did, he tried to kill himself twice and ended up in ICU which was hugely traumatic for me. He is better now three years later, but I am unhappy and scared. I hope someone can offer some helpful words, but it feels pretty hopeless.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (2 January 2009):
 Hon you have got to stop telling yourself that you will never find anyone else. This negative thinking is bringing you down. He may be what you consider a best friend and you may love him but he isn't AVAILABLE to LOVE you back in return the way he should.
It's such a painful sorrow that you love someone who can't return that love gladly and give you what you need for a stable realtionship. I do think you see that it isn't stable at all. With a small child hon you really need that stability. Although you could view your situation as it's you have the problem here bur the real problem is a man who is bouncing back and forth between two women who obviously love him dearly and he can't choose. This isn't fair to either of you and surely not to the children.
It's best to let him go and find someone who will respect you completely and give you the love and attention you deserve. You are wasting your life in the hopes and dreams of this man who probably isn't ever going to step up and give make that a reality. I think that maybe you are so confused about his feelings for you that you can't allow yourself to feel anything for someone else.You are holding on when there's nothing left to hold on to. It's hard to face a fact that someone doesn't care for you in the same way that you care for them.
He may love you but he doesn't love you enough to be totally honest with you. This man is allowing you to be his scape goat. He makes you feel guilty for his own discrections. He manipulates you for his own needs. Makes you feel responsible for his suicide attempt. He needs professional help for sure.I really feel your pain. I have also been in a relationship that lasted for many years. It wasn't exactally like yours but that back and forth kinda relationship kept me emotionally disturbed, stressed out and depressed.
The feelings I had for him were painful. I cared too much and he didn't cheat but nevertheless his being an alcoholic made life sometimes completely unbearable. He would blame me for anything that went wrong. The thing is I was living with him and raising his boys just as if htey were mine. My children were nearly grown and I took in these 2 and 3 year olds to raise. My heart is tender also and everything that made him stressed about the relationship made me feel guilty. I loved him and I stayed until I was an emotional wreck. We would break up and then go back. I just couldn't leave. Those little boys needed a Mama. I was MAMA!
So many of us don't know what to do in a situation like this. You have got to get some help here. I believe that he is controlling your feelings by the guilt he throws on you. It is causing you alot of mental anguish and lowering your self-esteem. You are doubting yourself and doubting that you can find love with someone else. You appear to be blocking out any feelings you could ever have with someone else because he makes you feel ashamed for even trying.Ist is so disheartings and such a hard time in feeling alone when you are with someone,technically speaking, yet you are barely with him and you are mostley alone anyway. I was so depressed that I felt ALONE in a house full of people.
Seek help professional for your problem hon. Don't let it take your life over. Your son deserves the best in his MOM and you deserve the best in your mate. Your current situation is on a downhill spiral and you can't afford to waste anymore valuable time trying to be with this man. You have got to learn to stop being so available to him. Find things to do that keep you busy. Focus on your child and spend more time doing things with him. It might not hurt to get the child into some counseling as well if he needs it.
I am so sorry that you have been put thru so much in the past years but I pray that your future will be brighter. Find someone you can trust with your story and keep talking it out, it really does help. Holding things in make it worse and can really cause a deep rooted depression. My answer to your question, are you depressed? I am pretty sure that you are! It's what usually happens when someone experiences what you have thru the years. It can become worseded with time and without treatment. I pray that you can get the needed help so it won't take over your life. I have had serious depression issues for years due to alot of neglect and abuse in my life. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE! Have FAITH In GOD AND YOURSELF!
Take better care of yourself and worry less about the man. If you don't you might find yourself in a hospital somewhere with a nervous breakdown. You have got to STAND STRONG hon and do this not only for youself but your son who needs you more than his Father. Learn to lean on someone and share your feelings. Let go of those negative emotions about not finding someone and being able to care. It's within you, you just have to find it. You have to before those emotions destroy your self-worth and your son's childhood.
My best to you and your son. I pray that GOD interviens and lifts you to a place of safety and love.
Here's something just for you....listen and let your heart go free.
http://www.imeem.com/people/dNHpa0/music/kOs4u5iW/josh_groban_josh_groban_you_raise_me_up/
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (2 January 2009):
 Oh Sweetheart
Your post brought tears to my eyes this just sound horrible, All this time you have accepted another woman in your partners life, Not only this but another family...I'm not surprised you are feeling down and low hunny..I think you need to really concentrate on you right now and only you..You mentioned he had tried to take his own life when you got upset with him over this 3yrs ago...SWEETHEART! With all the love in the world I'm telling you, You cant live this way it makes for unhappiness and depression you are not living for you, You are just plodding along in life for him.....You need love and you are not getting it from the one person you have put many years in taking care of...Im going to send you some links love....
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
My advise is to take care of you for once and as hard as it may be try and not allow him to come so freely into your life he has a choice as do we all but his choices are hurting you..So you make the choice to better yourself, You have to feel good about you hunny and those links will hopefully help you get started, You have to be happy within and all of this will take some time but its not impossible work on you getting and feeling better...Put all your energy into you sweetheart and in time you will be able to make decisions and move on and be a more contented and happy therefore able to go out and feel better about finding what you want...If you need a chat hunny message me I hope this has helped a little TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, tumelo  +, writes (2 January 2009):
that sounds more like what im going through, its a new year that means a new start, look people leave you because they are not joined to you and if thats the case,you cant make them stay, just like td jakes says,if someone cant see you worth,if someone cant love you back let it go, its not easy yes, but you can start by just forgiving yourself for letting him run your life, hold your head up go out not with an intention that you want to be hitched, cause people have a certain sense that we were never taught about in school they can sense desperation,pain in a person,so dont be prey to such people, tell you self it stops here and now, take charge of your life,
and it helps talking about it,
good luck!!
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