A
female
age
30-35,
*alletchick76
writes:I need some help guys. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now. I love him to death. But I'm pretty darn sure that I love him more than he loves me. He tells me he loves me, and I believe him. But it's not the SAME. I know everything can't be equal, but since I can remember I have ALWAYS been the one in the relationship (friends, family, etc.) to take initiative, be the better person, love no matter what, and what not. He doesn't reciprocate that much. He rarely asks me to do things, and when he does I put it in my calendar or save it in my phone, keep the ticket stubs (you get my drift). I'm afraid that when he leaves in a few months to go to the east coast, that he won't even notice we're apart. I cry over this a lot. I always miss him and think of him often. Also, if I "give him his own medicine" and not text him or not ask to hang out... I lose out. I'm stuck at home. It's a lose-lose for me. And I'm kinda superstitious, so I know that if I hold a grudge or be mean spirited for longer than I can naturally hold out for, something bad might happen.Does anyone have some cheering up for me? I know that some of you may say that I move on, but it's not that simple. I LOVE HIM. Like for realz. Does this happen to you too? Do you know what I mean, do you wear these shoes? How can I get through to him?
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female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (26 February 2012):
malletchick76 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I did kinda tell him what I've said to you guys and he replied "Look just because we don't see each other every waking minute doesn't mean I take you for granted or anything".
Of course I don't have to see him all the time, but how can I word it differently? I just don't see why he wouldn't want to be with me if he says he loves me so much.
And also, his personality can be somewhat caustic and he likes to hang around his house (which is fine cuz his family is awesome, but he doesn't even ask me to come over, it's his mom who does.)
Do you guys get what I mean? Or am I just not being clear enough?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): I really think you should try to discuss this openly with him. If he truly loves you then he'll want to hear you out. He'll be concerned that you're hurting. Now is the time to sort this out, not when he's on the East Coast and far away from you. If he seems irritated by your emotions or doesn't seem to care that you're feeling this way then it's time to re-evaluate your relationship. It can't always be 50/50 but you've gotta meet in the middle somewhere.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (25 February 2012):
 I loved my ex like you love your BF. A one-way relationship is no relationship at all. For all the "good" moments you might have together, the disconnect is too great. You fill the time for him. When we were together it was amazing. When we were apart I always suspected I was "out of sight, out of mind". Turns out I was right. Hold out for someone who's at least as much into you, if not more. They're out there. And like the first poster said, it'll hurt like hell to end what you've got. It's been nearly 2 months for me (& we were together 15 months) & I still cry. But someone came out of the blue about 3 weeks ago who treats me like a queen! Didn't think guys line this were out there. Does everything I ever wanted my ex to do & more! I'm still not ready to jump in full speed ahead, I'm still mourning my ex. But this helps me realize just how well I (anyone) deserves to be treated within a truly loving & giving relationship. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): I think all you can/should do is cut back on your own emotional investment in this relationship. if you continue to put your heart and soul into him and he's not reciprocating you'll just keep feeling more and more miserable. you need to emotionally detach yourself a bit so that the relationship is not so unequal. don't initiate everything all the time, and if it means you don't see him as much anymore, then so be it. it would be worse to keep on seeing him but having this constant knowledge that it's only because you're initiating stuff and he has nothing better to do. that is not a pleasant feeling either.But I don't mean you should be 'giving him a taste of his own medicine' as you say. the outward actions may be the same on the surface - not calling him as much, etc. but the attitude and intent is totally different so the outcome will be different for you. when you think of it as 'giving him a taste of his own medicine' you're right that you lose out because he's perfectly fine with not hanging out, while you're not so you're stewing about it and getting upset while he's not. what's the point in this exercise? you're still every bit as emotionally invested in him as before, just pretending not to be. in fact you're even more emotionally invested because you're trying to get him to change so 'giving him a taste of his own medicine' isn't actually having your intended effect on him and it just frustrates you even more. It's just another way for you to feel miserable, that's all.when I say you should disengage and cut back your emotional investment, I mean you should actually try to alter your expectations and thus your real emotions towards this relationship. For example, rather than refraining from calling him and then ending up stuck at home stewing about it and feeling that you lost out by not calling him, instead go out and do something fun on your own or with your friends so you're NOT losing out. Think of it as accepting reality and making adjustments. it won't be easy, it's actually grieving the loss of a dream which can take a long time, but if you can do it you'll feel much better in the end.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (25 February 2012):
I've been were you are at.... your totally in love with him and its so unfair that its not equal.
I used to have this fairy tale that love will always be enough between two people, but life's not like that.
I really wish and hope you can find a way of communicating with him so that he see's what he has got. But you also need to be realistic - this may not work out as you hope.
And yes it will hurt, hurt like hell for ages but you will get through it sometime and be a much stronger person because of it. Things will be ok in the end - and you're still young, you have heaps of time.
Good luck!
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