A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married very soon and currently my fiancé and I live apart due to selling houses etc. My fiancé has a close female friend whom he has known for over 15 years. I also know her as we all used to work together. My fiancé and her have always been close and she used to stay with him whilst on business and at other times, sharing the same bed but apparently no sex! Since we have decided to get married I have noticed the frequency of her calls have greatly increased. My fiancé knows I don't like it so keeps quiet about the calls unless I ask him outright if she has rung. I know she is interested in him although she has her own boyfriend and constantly turns to my fiancé to help her if things go wrong in her life, she needs help etc. I do not trust her or her motives one little bit. I have spoken to my fiancé rationally and calmly explaining that their relationship makes me feel unsettled and that it hurts and upsets me but he will not stop talking to this woman. I know I can't ask him to stop having contact with her - although that's what I want - any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): we are all entitled to have "friend" but when there is an emotional bond as tight as this one, watch out. listen to your gut. you have every right to be concerned. the fact that he doesn't want to cut contact or limit it is a warning sign.
seems like he has too much invested in this "friendship" that he would rather lose you than her. soon there will be 3 people in your marriage. DO NOT allow this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cannot believe that as a 42 year old woman that this is still upsettng me so much. His friend is still calling always using him as a soundng board and he still won't get rid of her. Today I asked for her number so I can call her direct but he won't give it to me. He says he has every right to female friends. I just know if she meant nothng he would get rid of her so know he cares more than he lets on. We are due to be married in two weeks but I don't want to marry him unless he tells her to go away. I don't know what to do and it is making me a bit loopy!
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love  +, writes (10 October 2009):
in order for there to be nothing more than friends between them both of them have to see it that way. it sounds like she could want more and feels jealous that he is with someone else. you will have to call your shots on this. my advice is to tell let him go and tell him he needs to make up his mind
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday I asked him outright to stop contact with her telling him it really upset me, unsettled me etc. He said they were just friends and did not talk about anything intimate and that there was nothing to it. I then went down the route of 'if there was nothing to it then he wouldn't mind stopping would he'. He blew his top and said no one had the right to be so controlling and bullying. I asked him 3x to cease contact with this lady and he won't do it. I am now left feeling anxious and angry and of course suspicious. I know he is not the type that likes to be told to do anything, I don't like it either but I have pleaded with him lots of times and he still won't stop. Think it is going to come to her or me soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): I can definitely understand where you are coming from as I recently had a very similar experience.
My fiancé has an ex-girlfriend that recently contacted him again after years of not speaking. At first I didn't mind at all as I have stayed in contact with a number of my ex-boyfriends as well. However, as her calls became more frequent and she started to tell him how she was not very happy in her relationship I started to take notice of her calls. Finally, when her calls became all about reminiscing about 'the good old days' when they were together I got really annoyed.
I just told my fiancé that the conversations were not appropriate and that this girl was starting to annoy me. I'm not an insecure woman and my fiancé knows this so he didn't even try to go down that road. Instead he called the ex the next day, told her he was sorry she was not in a good relationship, informed her that he was very much in love with me and that I had take offence to her calls and he now had to end them.
Said and done he wished her the best of luck and never spoke to her again.
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (6 October 2009):
 He must ask for her to stop, by choice not by your suggestion. If she has designs on him or not is inconsequential and irrelevant to you - does he feel flattered by her? I think he will already know that you feel threatened by her, but maybe he doesn't realise just how much! You need to really sit down and have a very frank and open discussion with him - and I mean VERY frank!
You may have insecurity issues, but if you have then it's something that he must know about you too - if you can't trust him now with her what chance does he have when you are married?
It's a case of 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other - but for him to stop communicating with this woman it's got to come from him.
Regards Steve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): The first thing that is wrong is your fiance not putting your feelings first - i.e. knowing that this upsets you does not stop him doing it. It is as if he just thinks "oh she'll have to get used to it because I care about her". I think your best bet is to pay more attention not less to his phone calls and, I assume, his texts. This other 'friend' sounds like an attention seeker (one man is not enough in her life) and therefore the closer you get to her never being able to get her hands on your man (you getting married) the more attention she is demanding. It is also strange that he does not involve you in his friendship - I mean a friend that goes back 15 years should also be your friend and she should want to get on with you also - not keep YOUR fiance all to herself. There might not be anything going on physically but I doubt it is the case emotionally. Again I go back to the fact your fiance is not respecting your feelings. He is in fact driving a rift between you over her - when there shouldn't be a rift. If you can, try and answer your fiances phone when she rings (you have every right to) and see what reaction you get. It doesn't feel right to me and your husband to be is not someone who makes up for her inadequate relationship. Something is wrong here.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (6 October 2009):
well actually yea you can ask him to not talk to her. he asked you to marry him and that is a commitment. the sanctity of marriage has been very diluted these days. its not wrong for people to have good friends of the opposite sex but as you can see it is usually the case that one has romantic interests. if she was really just a friend and niether had interest in the other then yea I doubt you would have a problem with it. I think you politley voice ur concern and ask that he make it very clear to her that he loves you and wants to be with you. and that there is nothing romantic between them
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (6 October 2009):
 There isn't really anything you can do at this point. I mean the guy has known this girl for fifteen years. They were friends long before you came into the picture as far as marriage is concerned. I really do hope that they just talk on the phone every once in a while and this sleeping together nonsense isn't happening anymore. It's extremely inappropriate if both him and her are already in a relationship. Do you really believe that there was no sex involved either? The thing is, you can ask him to stop having contact if this relationship the two of them have is this extreme. He also can say 'no' to you. He's got every right to do so, it's his life.
That being said, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to deal with the relationship those two have. It's not going to go away if he has already refused to give up this friendship they have. Talking to one another is one thing, but sleeping in the same bed? Marriage only makes issues like these worse. When you're living with someone and married to them, the good and the bad about each other only magnifies. Is this something you're willing to deal with? Not only will he be talking to this girl, but you'll be there and you'll have to grit your teeth and bare it. Is that something you see as a happy marriage?
These are all questions that only you can really answer. Just know that you'll never be able to really change the situation if he isn't willing to stop contact with her. If you two get married, this issue will only be more apparent, because you'll be living together. Something to consider before taking the big step.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (6 October 2009):
well actually yea you can ask him to not talk to her. he asked you to marry him and that is a commitment. the sanctity of marriage has been very diluted these days. its not wrong for people to have good friends of the opposite sex but as you can see it is usually the case that one has romantic interests. if she was really just a friend and niether had interest in the other then yea I doubt you would have a problem with it. I think you politley voice ur concern and ask that he make it very clear to her that he loves you and wants to be with you. and that there is nothing romantic between them
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 October 2009):
 I assume she no longer stays over and sleeps in the same bed with him. Talking to her is one thing but I would insist that she no longer stays at his house if you aren't there. I think once you are married and living together things will improve drastically.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Firstly put all marriage plans on hold until you have sorted this matter out.
The fact that your fiance knows that you dont like him being in contact with the female friend, yes still continues to be in contact and hides the fact, shows that he being disrespectful. You should be the most important person in his life - not his female friend.
I dont believe for one moment that they slept in the same bed without sex... its like telling me that babies are delivered by storks...!!!!
I would suggest that you go with your fiance to a relationship counsellor to reslove this issue, and if he is not willing or sees no fault in his behaviour, then I would hasten to add that perhaps you shouldnt be getting married to him at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Your fiance should be respecting how you feel about this relationship with his 'friend'. Personally I would feel uncomfortable as well with her sleeping in the same bed and relying on him for emotional comfort. They are clearly both crossing boundaries and if it was me I would sure as heck say something and ask for change.
Your emotions and feelings on the subject need to be honoured and it is important for you to feel comfortable with his relationships with other women.
I wouldn't go for it at all; I would have no issues telling either one of them that at this point either.
Good Luck to you. Please remember to honour yourself and know that you deserve repect from any man that you are with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Your fiance should be respecting how you feel about this relationship with his 'friend'. Personally I would feel uncomfortable as well with her sleeping in the same bed and relying on him for emotional comfort. They are clearly both crossing boundaries and if it was me I would sure as heck say something and ask for change.
Your emotions and feeling on the subject need to be honoured and it is important for you to feel comfortable with his relationships with other women.
I wouldn't go for it at all; I would have no issues telling either one of them that at this point either.
Good Luck to you. Please remember to honour yourself and know that you deserve repect from any man that you are with.
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