A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My Fiancee of 8 yrs is cheating on me, He does not know I know he is cheating, a lot of red flags have gone off so I did some checking into this "affair/ fling" he is having. The other day I caught him by surprised with his cell phone open. I asked him if he wanted his phone he said no I was just checking something. I then joked with him and said oh you waiting a call from your mistress? And then gave me a look that said oh crap I am caught, I did not say anything about the look I just went on with what I was doing. 2 days before that I caught him off guard again with his cell phone He was texting someone but I was not sure who. He did that a few times that night. Then the other morning when he got up, I checked his cell phone, I know I probably should not have invaded his privacy but he has been doing things he never has. Well I checked his phone and there was a text message telling him if he would like to come over and watch American Idol that night, Well I deleted that message from his phone, I do not think he went over her house that night because I also checked his miles on his truck before he left for work and he was what he would have driven to work and to the bar after work that night and back home. Now I have no clue why he would be doing this to me. We also have a beautiful 4 yr old daughter who loves her daddy and we have a nice house. Why would he want to do this to me and our daughter?? I am trying to bring him back to reality. I been complementing him on his hair cut, his clothes, his intelligence, his knowledge on certain areas. I even put a picture on the computer of myself and our daughter from a couple of years ago hoping he would think to himself wow that was a good time we had that day. I don't want to lose him, I do love him and I think he still loves me but probably just not in love with me right now. I am so confused I don't know what else to do. I just hope this "fling" or what ever it is he is having is not serious. I want to get him back to this life with me and our daughter, Also it is not like we are teenagers we are in our early 40's. Why would he do something like this? He needs to take these blinders off and get back to his role as a family man. Like I said I am so confused, please help me.
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male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (12 March 2011):
imho
most of people cheat because they aren't fullfilled sexually
i know that many or even most of the readers wouldn't agree and would oppose me but it is my oppinion and i am standing for it,
i say ask for some professional help on how to get him back ASAP
and get him to do it with you later on
keep on this great behaviour towards him because when he stops cheating ans know that you knew every thing from the very begining he well always look up for you and respect you because your reactions arent usuaaly what women do in when put in the same situation
Good Luck
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 It sounds like a mid-life crisis. I honestly do not know what to say because it sounds like you love him a lot and I am sure somewhere he still carries something for you, right now, he has just forgotten. It is a mid-life crisis so chances are that right now he is going through a torrent of emotional changes and he is seeking something new, therefore, he finds this other woman after somehow persuading himself that he has never loved you or that a marriage to you would be a mistake. That is just a guess, that may or may not be what he has told himself but it is something quite a number of people in a mid-life crisis think.
You really have only two options, the first is relatively simple, you leave him. Your four year old daughter will one day grow to understand. A bit of her will of course miss her father but she will cease missing him after a while.
The second option is to confront him and ask him if he wants to leave you. You tell him that you know about his affair and you ask him if there isn't a little piece of him that still loves you? Men in his stage of life might question that, they might tell themselves and everyone around them that such a love does not exist for them so, he might tell you 'no'. Where would you go from there? You would end up leaving him anyway. If he says 'yes', could you ever truly hope to rekindle this relationship, knowing in your heart that he has been doing this and he had no intention of ever telling you, like so many other men. Knowing that you can never truly trust him after this.
I know you love him, it is clear that you do and you have fought with all the love in your heart to keep his love for you but you have to face facts. The only way to deal with this is to confront him and know for certain if this relationship has any hope at all.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): "He needs to take these blinders off and get back to his role as a family man"
Actually it's you that needs to take the blinders off and stop playing games.
You do know that by doing nothing you're allowing him time and space to fall in love with this woman. The more he sees her and the more he gets away with this the more chance that he'll leave you. You're doing nothing in the hopes this will burn out and you can throw enough hints and "prove" you're the right option but he doesn't care, he's getting away with this so why should he stop?
He thinks you might suspect but you're not going to stop him so he'll just keep doing it.
If you want to save your family then you'll fight for it, not just sit back and hope. You need to get this out in the open and you need to sort it out.
My instinct is to just leave him but you won't so you have to stop him seeing this woman. The longer you leave it the more attached he gets to her, essentially he's slipping away and you're doing nothing about it.
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