A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am a 33 year old lady who has got myself into a bit of a mess.I started seeing a co-worker in December 2009. He and I are both married, unhappy, but both staying for childrens/financial sake. He only married in January 2010. He didn't want to marry her but has done it for their three year old son. The day he got married we both agreed that our affair must stop as we were both going to give out marriages a go. To cut a long story short we are still seeing and sleeping with each other. We have had ups and serious downs. We have spilt, got back together a million times. This is obviously made so much harder as we work together and see each other every day. I have looked for other jobs but there is nothing out there at the moment.I love this man, truely love him. He loves me. I have asked if he will leave his wife but he has said no because of his son. After a big row at the weekend (it was his 1st wedding anniversary) I told him I was fed up of being an option to him and I wanted to try and have no contact with him. I asked him to ignore me at work etc etc. He begged me not to give up contact with him, he loved me etc etc. Anyway he has pulled at my heart and I am not angry with him anymore so I am finding what I said at the weekend hard to stick to.Part of me wants to ring his wife as this way I know he won't forgive me and its taken out of my hands. I have dialed the number so many times.I love him so so much but hes never going to be with me.How do I go cold turkey when I have to see him everyday?I just don't know what to do :-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): so sad when it's we girls, who are left feeling worthless.you can't help who you fall in love with.And you both have a reason for doing what you have. so take this as a lesson learnt and try to mend your broken heart xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): OMG this married man suggested meeting up for one last night before saying goodbye.
Either he knows you are easy (sorry!) Or he knows that sine he means so much to you you will agree to one last round of sex. To me its the same difference.
He has so little respect for you that he asked for one last shag before letting you go back to your hb. Enough said. If you value yourself , even a little, you will tell this married man where to get off.
Remember this: he freely choose to marry his gf now his wife. He is basically a newly wed and he is sex with you and his wife. If you have a shred of decency for yourself you will end this affair once and for all. Being a mere sex buddy may have worked previously but is this what you want to be in the end?
You want to end your affair, then great. You have had excellent advice. The key is making a decision and sticking to it.
I feel sorry for his wife and kid, don't you?
Now what do you do with your hb and kids? Instead of becoming a cheating again, someones mistress Learn to do the right thing and stop the adultery. Divorce your hb. Be decent to him as well.
Be there for your kids as they go through hell with your divorce. Do not introduce them to other men too soon.
In the end treat everyone the way you want to be treated.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (5 February 2011):
You do not need to say anything to him. In fact, the less said the better. Simply stop contacting him and ignoring his calls. Ignore him at work, if necessary go to great length to avoid him at work or give him the cold shoulder. You've already made your feelings clear to him, so what more is there to say? You don't owe him any explanation. at this point, if you say anything to him, you run the risk of him using your words to play games with you and drag your turmoil out even longer.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 February 2011):
All you need to do is say it's over, and goodbye. Then walk away, delete his numbers, emails, letters everything. That's all.
Then really think about where the rest of your life is going (marriage, career etc).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Thank you to everyone who replied. Hard to read but I know deep down you are all right. What an idiot I have been. I am a professional person and that is what I will remain. Please can anyone gove me some ideas how I go about ending this, the wording etc...
Thank you all again x
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 February 2011):
don't underestimate the power of guilt and obligation and mind games to trap a man into marrying someone he really doesn't want to be with. but once trapped, the factors that got him trapped make it unlikely he will ever get out.
just because a man chooses to marry someone doesn't mean he loves her. Ideally he should if it was a healthy happy relationship. But if he's been seeing someone else the whole time, it's clear that by choosing to marry his girlfriend while already cheating on her, something is very wrong in their relationship. So why would he marry her? it's because marrying fulfills something in himself and not because he loves her. He didn't suddenly become pure hearted and have perfect love for her thus culminating in the marriage. instead he married her because it was the least aversive thing to do. (the wife should feel insulted, if only she knew)
what would marrying her fulfill for himself? It quiets the guilt and sense of obligation he feels. It makes him think he's a good person for doing what other people see as the right thing. Or at least it allows him to not think of himself as a bad person. Even though he's cheating. Because he judges how "good" or "bad" he is based on whether he is fulfilling duties expected of him that can be seen by others publicly. Since no one knows about your affair, no one is judging him for it. But by not marrying the woman he has a kid with, he will be judged.
He feels that marrying her is a duty, because they have a kid. It's like a job that you must go to even though you hate it. Feelings mean nothing, it's all about doing the "right" thing, which is to marry that person regardless of how you feel about her but because it makes you feel less guilty. marriage is a business transaction. He earns the money and she takes it. in return she cooks and cleans and gives him mediocre sex occasionally. Maybe he will impregnate her a few more times so she can have more kids that she wants and he can get the sex he wants. He continues to bring home the money to give to her while she continues to cook and clean for him. Feelings mean nothing, this is simply the expected way to live. So he does it.
pretty sad, isn't it.
ultimately his reasons for staying married are moot as far as you're concerned. The fact is that he's not going to leave his marriage no matter how crappy it is and no matter how unfaithful to his wife he is.
whatever his twisted view of marriage is, it works for him. So that's why he'll continue to stay married because he's content to live under his own delusions.
You can't change someone else. So all you can do is move on from him if you're unwilling to accept his terms for continuing a relationship with you ie. continuing the affair.
It's healthier to end the affair because being in the affair just puts you in turmoil because obviously you want a real relationship and he doesn't.
You should divorce your husband since it seems you don't care at all how he fits into your life instead you're completely focused on your lover.
How can you expect your lover to leave his wife if you haven't left your husband?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): People in affairs will leave their marriages for two reasons: the discomfort/pain of the marriage is too great, or the pull of the other relationship is too strong.Right now he's comfortable where he is. The pull of your relationship is not that strong because you've continued to be available to him despite his marriage (and yours!!).And obviously the discomfort of being married to someone he doesn't want to be with, isn't that strong either, it's tolerable.It may be uncomfortable having one foot in his marriage and the other foot wanting to be with you (since he can't stay away from you any more than you can't stay away from him, it's not like your affair is a one-way street). But he obviously sees this discomfort is less than what he would feel if he were to divorce his wife.You need to just cut him out of your life. Don't tell him to ignore you - you ignore him. And you must stick with it. it will be tough, but after awhile it will get easier. Tell yourself all kinds of bad things about him, make stuff up in your head if you have to. tell yourself what an awful person he is for cheating on his wife and child. Put yourself in her shoes - imagine you are married to him and he's cheating on you.
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A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Let me tell you about your "love" relationship. You are his EASY play toy at WORK. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not love. You threw it at him. The only remedy is to quit this job. There will be others. Don't even give an explanation. Delete his number from your phone etc...You have no right to hurt his wife, and their life together. If you really want a wake up call. Follow them on the weekend. See him "living". Then you will realize what a relationship is. And wonder why you are not good enough for him to present YOU to the world as his wife. Like keeping your "relationship" a secret do you? You think it's intoxicating? No, it's shameful. I used to be like you...one day I saw my "man" duck behind a car as I drove by. It was so unbelievable, I drove around the block and he did it again! Another man, who swore up and down, that he didn't want to marry again, let alone have another child. He had about 3 and I was that magical mystical age of 33, just like you, thinking all men want me...till one year I worked as a cashier during Christmas at some out of the way store, never, ever expecting to see him and his beautiful wife and lovely baby. Quit your job, close that chapter of your life. He is married and so are you. Did you know, it is RARE for the man to stick around when his wife cheats on him with someone? Check out those statistics. And being single over 35 is no fun at all. And if you lose custody of your kids, society will wonder what did YOU do.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 February 2011):
He doesn't love you. I knew you would't believe that. But face facts - he married another woman, and the most he has offered you is 'one last night'.
If you continue with him, you'll just become another loser who can't see the wood for the trees.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Regarding your update: he has suggested one last night together! Oh dear, why on earth would you both want to do that. If you love each other as you say - it will be even more painful parting. Unless the two of you decide to throw in your lot together and make a go of it. I suspect you will go on this last meetup but I really don't think it will be the last and I imagine you will hope that it keeps things going. Use the meeting to see what on earth is going on - is it the end or not - so you can get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 This guy doesn't love you. Plain, simple and brutally honest. Because, as the others have said, there is no excuse in love. Where was this great fatherly instinct of his during the 9 months of pregnancy and the first 2 yrs of his child's life? He is married to this woman because he WANTED to get married to her. The child is just an excuse.
Why do you want to call his wife up and then ensure that he cuts you out?? What good can possible come off that? At some level, you want the wife to know whatever's going on...its like, "if i'm going down, i'm taking everyone with me". Dont do that...let him be...leave with dignity. Dont make it any messier than it already is.
Look for a new job or a transfer, cut him out of your life and run for the hills.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Just carry on being used if it means not losing him.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (3 February 2011):
 This is definitely a sticky situation you have gotten yourself into. I imagine you are hurting right now, but you need to consider the feelings of your husband and his wife, as well. They are the innocent victims… along with the children. You will never be satisfied playing second fiddle to your lover’s wife. As long as he is with her, that is the most he can give you, and you will never be happy playing the role of mistress.
As long as you are co-workers, you will not be able to cut ties with this man entirely. Is he your boss? Also, have you looked into finding a job within the same company, but in a different department? I would encourage you to continue looking for jobs elsewhere, but in the meantime, look for another position in a different department.
Now… some people will tell you to keep this affair to yourself, and refrain from calling his wife. However, I look at this a little differently. I’m in my 30’s now, but when I was in high school, I dated a guy for several years who cheated on me... more than once. Worst guy I’ve ever dated! As much as it hurt to find out he had cheated, I was grateful that someone had the courage to tell me what was going on. For that reason, I think you should go ahead and call her. Again, others will disagree, but from my personal experience, it’s better to know the truth. However, if you call his wife, it’s important to realize that this man (or his wife) may decide to spill the beans to your husband.
As far as your marriage is concerned, you need to decide whether you want to fix the marriage through marriage counseling, or get a divorce. It’s unfair of you to string your husband along. If you decide to work on the marriage, you will have to devote 100% of your attention to it. This means you will have to cut ties with your lover. Otherwise, you need to tell your husband how you feel, so you can begin divorce proceedings.
Since breaking ties with your lover this past weekend have you been able to stick to your plan? It’s very important that you find the strength to do so. If you keep giving in and sleeping with your lover, he is not going to leave his wife. Why would he? He knows you will keep coming back to him. Don’t keep falling into that trap. You will never be happy continuing this affair. If you and your lover want to be together, fine… but it has to be under the condition that you are both single. There is no other option.
What are your thoughts regarding your marriage? And do you plan to tell his wife about the affair? I look forward to hearing your responses to my questions. Stay strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Hi
Thanks for your replies..
I hear what you are saying but I do know he loves me.
He has asked if I can spend one more night with him (not just for sex) and then we end our relationship on a high???
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A
female
reader, Adelaide's Agony Aunt  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Dear 30-35;Firstly, let me say that you sound like you're in turmoil and understandably given the situation you are in. I want you to seriously take the time to ask yourself the following: Do you want to continue being in turmoil? Is a part of you dependent on that in some way or do you REALLY want to stop and move on to being free from this situation?Please consider not calling his wife - would you like someone to make that phone call to you? His wife will find out in her own time if she hasn't suspected already and that is really best left to the Karma of their situation, you need to focus on the above question and tidy your own situation up.Here is what you need to do:1. Give yourself emotional space from him. "I adore you but I just want to keep it to just seeing you at work for now darling", be firm. Yes you see him every day so keep it to that and that only while you..2. Quietly but determinedly go about finding another job or arrange a transfer.(if you don't do this you are not really going to let him go and you need to address that- why don't you want to move?).3. Have your new beginning without him - end it with him as you leave/transfer or just remain uncontactable if you are not strong enough to officailly end it and MAKE yourself not look back.4. Assess your marriage. Do this only after you have really finished the work relationship. Is this a new beginning for your marriage or was the past a bandaid for something you need to look at in the marriage. Take stock of what you want in your marriage and if you can achieve it.5. This really needs to be applied all the way through the process. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH FOR TWO. Fill the void of the lost relationship by reaffirming your value to yourself. Be kind to yourself, know your strenghts. Look at what you learned from the situation so that you are never in it again moving only forwards and positively upwards in life.You can do this, the question you need to ask is do you want to and if not why.Wishing you the best, Yours Sincerely, Adelaide's Agony Aunt.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2011):
 CaringGuy is right on the money, and Vintage makes great points too.
Based on what you said, here's what I objectively see.
This kid is 3 years old, yet the guy wanted to marry the woman last year, when the child was 2. I'm guessing that this kid was fine without this guy for the first two years of his life, so that means only one thing -
He loves this other woman. He could have easily paid child support and visited the kid on a regular basis. He could have married this woman when she was pregnant or had the newborn, and then the "marry for the child's sake" would have held a lot more water. If his wife had lost her job or whatnot, he could have assumed temporary custody of the child rather than married the mom.
I guarantee you that what he says to his wife is a completely different story than what he says to you. He is playing you and lying to you. He does want the best of both world - unattached sex and adoration from you, and domestic bliss from his wife. The moment he married her should have been the moment you severed all ties.
You're wasting time from you life that you can never get back. That's like taking your life savings and tossing it in the fireplace. He is not worth your feelings for him.
You need to go cold turkey. Avoid him. You see him every day at work? Keep looking for another job! Transfer to a different location! Don't even look him in the eye, and tell him that if he talks to you again, you are going to have a chat with his wife. That will keep him away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Don't ring his wife. You won't find the solution there. It would just be like throwing a bomb into the situation. She would be hurt, your lover very angry and he would probably dump you and patch things up with his wife. He could even say to his wife that you are mad and making it up. In truth he's never going to leave his wife, I think it is safe to say - and the story about not being happy is the oldest one in the book. He is master of his own fate and he is newly married with a young child. I think this is where you say 'wake up and smell the coffee'. If you can not leave your present job, you are just going to have to tough it out. And if you resume the affair, do it knowing that it will never be more than, that dispite the promises.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Why are you relying on him not to talk to you? You have to take responsibility for this too. This really isn't going anywhere, you know that, but you are caught up in the drama of it all, which I would say part of you is enjoying. Can you move to another department at work, a different branch, anything to put some space between the two of you, plus keep on trying to find a new job, that is your best way out.
If you are staying married, because of children that is one of the worse reasons, the children will be able to feel that something isn't right. They won't be feeling what children need, to grow up in a house with love in it.
What is wrong with your marriage, can it be worked on? If the marriage is really not what you want then grab the bull by the horns and leave, make a new life for yourself, take the risk and stop taking the easy option in life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 February 2011):
I know you won't believe me, but he doesn't really love you at all. He's just using his son as an excuse to not leave his wife (i.e. the women who no doubt cooks/cleans/does most of childcare/acts as a general slave/has sex with him etc). He just doesn't love you. He really would have left, then made sure he was the greatest father he could have been whilst living away. Please wake up - this man has a child with another woman, and even got married to this other woman. He's making a mockery of his wife, and he's crapping on his child. He has no respect for the idea of marriage, no respect for his good wife, no respect for his child and no respect for you. At all. This is about one man who is just after putting his penis around at his pleasure.
If you truly love this man, then you need to stop your own marriage now. You're also making a mockery of the idea of the marriage, and even if your husband isn't all that great, you're still cheating, which does make you the guilty party, and makes you the fall guy if this comes out. You have no excuse whatsoever for staying with your husband whilst cheating on him. You're not staying with your husband for children or money - you're staying because it's more convenient to keep someone around rather than be alone.
It's time to be your own woman. You're making your own marriage into a joke, you're partly ruining someone else's, and for what? Nothing. So stop with all men, leave your husband, end it with this other guy who's laughing at you and live your own life.
You have no excuse not to end your marriage and move on and be single. That's what you need to do. You tried to fix the marriage - no luck. You've tried to make your lover leave - no luck. Time to be alone so you can get your own life in order. Money and children are no excuse, so please don't use them as an excuse, because when it comes out you'll look bad, and that will the end of your reputation as a woman.
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