A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll try and keep this as concise as I can. I was with my ex boyfriends for 9 months, we were very happy together, fell in love quickly and it just felt 'right'. We split up because he became distant, I thought it was him falling out of love but it turned out he felt overwhelmed by financial problems that he was trying to sort out on his own. Anyway, over the next 9 months we stayed very close friends, talking everyday and seeing each other at least once a week. It was rocky as we still acted like a couple but we weren't as such. Until a month or so ago when we started to see each other, casually because my ex told me he didn't want a committed relationship. Then after 3-4 weeks he told me he liked a girl at work and I was overcome with jealousy and acted very badly. I tried to get him to choose which ultimately was the wrong reaction because I feel he was torn. Torn between me his best friend and whom he had something deep with and someone that was offering the 'no-strings-attached' fun he was looking for. So we fell out. I tried talking to him a couple of days later but I was still upset and ended up telling him that I would delete his number and never speak to him again because seeing him with someone else would just be too painful. I tried to back track but the damage had been done. He did tell me that he still had feeings for me and cared for me a lot but just didn't want a relationship. I thought he might contact me to talk but no. 2 weeks later I contacted him and he seemed odd. His tone of voice wasn't normal. He seemed angry, upset, confused, i'm not sure. All I kow is I tried to get him to talk and suppose 'mend' the mess I'd created. But he just kept saying that this was what he thought I wanted and that I was the one that had decided this. Which upset me but it was true. He's seeing this other girl as well but I know he has feelings for me. I rang my mum in tears and afterwards, unbeknown to me, she rang my ex and had a 'chat' with him. She was quite harsh which may not have been the best idea, she arranged to meet him the following week. We both thought he would make his excuses and not turn up. But he did. He told my mum he thought I was too good for him (which he's always thought, he's said it to me many times) and that I deserve better and that he just doesn't know what he wants at the minute. (He's currently changing careers and starting college in a month and is finidng that very stressful). He says he doesn't want to lose me. So my mum told him to ring me when he knew what he was working and arrange to meet up with me and have an honest chat. he agreed. This was over a week ago and I still haven't heard from him. I can't work him out. He's never really gotten on that well with my mum so there's no face to save with her so why did he turn up if he didn't care or had no intention of resolving what's happened between us. He told her that he wants to 'live his life' because he's worked 50 hours a week for the last 10 years and never really let loose I suppose. Plus, I'm very close to his family and they've told me that he's always had serious relationships which may suggest why he wants to 'play the field'. I just wish I could work out why if I made him as happy as he's told me and his brother why he's pulling away. I just need help understanding him.Thanks
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at work, best friend, fell in love, girl at work, his ex, jealous, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, superrrshawna  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 he needs space. i know it is hard because you love him and want to force him to be with you, but you can't do that! he is under enough pressure from what sounds like every other aspect of his life. he doesn't need more from you. it will just be a turn off.
another thing is maybe he is afraid of committing. i know i am meant to be with a certain person, but i also know if i become official with him, i will be with him for the rest of my life. it's intimidating. sometimes there are people you just know you belong with. maybe he feels you are his, but he is too young to go there and wants to date around first to get his jitters out and also to feel sure. i told my guy that straight up and he understood.
let him be, stay a good friend on the line of girlfriend like you have, if that is where your heart is, and good luck!
A
female
reader, les +, writes (13 August 2008):
Hey girl.. you have to slow yourself down by a lot.
My boyfriend of nine months broke up with me too a while back, like yours, and I'm not sure if it was because of problems too or b/c he feel out of love with me. I suspect its the former.
I have no doubt that this guys likes you and has a very strong connection with you. But guys at this age are very confused and he sounds like he's kind of a pushover but will ultimately stand his ground - which is what my bf was too.
If you want to make things work, you MUST leave him alone and stop putting pressure on him. Put yourself in his shoes - imagine you being young and confused and a guy that you thought was your best friend and understood you and your needs also of a sudden started putting pressure on you not to explore your feeling, getting jealous, getting angry, getting his mother and family involved.. you'd like.. this guy is crazy.
Likewise, you need to calm down. Find somebody else to date. Give it a few weeks. Apologize to him. Stop talking to him on a daily basis. Continue dating somebody new. Only when you are perfectly content and happy with being with someone else can you start to see him again, otherwise you're just gonna come off as desperate and clingy and needy, and I dont care how much he likes you, no self-respecting guy is gonna go for that.
GL!
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