A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there, I would be grateful for any help regarding my issue. I'm involved with a man whom lives long distance from me. Due to the distance, we rely heavily on technology to communicate with each other. However, this has become somewhat restricted because he currently doesn't have a mobile phone, so instead, we chat online (it isn't preferable, nor satisfying but he is due to visit me within the next few weeks - at which point, we can discuss improvements regarding our communication). My problem is, I believe we are drifting apart. I'm always holding back, I just can't help it! He initiates contact about 90% of the time, because I wait for him to make the first move. If he doesn't contact me for a day or so, I start to feel insecure and unwanted which forces me to hold back my feelings towards him. On the other hand, this guy is really expressive and is always telling me he loves me - I've told him I love him too, but only when he has said it first. I fear I may be coming across as cold which is the opposite of how I should be towards him. He means everything to me, and I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. We was both online on Facebook the other night and he did not even bother to talk to me, I feel that he's been withdrawing from me recently, because I'm hurting him (he's quite a sensitive man). I just don't know how to be more forward, I have managed to force myself in the past but I always feel stupid afterwards. For instance, last month we was going through another rough patch with not much contact, and after much courage I decided to email him and express how much he really means to me and that I didn't want us to drift apart. It worked a treat and he seemed ecstatic in his reply! But it took me about 12 hours to actually read it, I spent the whole day torturing myself thinking what a mistake i'd made and that I came across as desperate and he would ridicule me. Obviously, I was proved wrong. I was so relieved that I cried with happiness.Things improved dramatically between us afterwards, but now we've gone back to square one again. I hate myself for 'playing it cool' as it is not doing us any favours, no wonder he becomes distant towards me. I must be giving out really mixed signals. What can I do? I hate myself for what i'm putting him through.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): finally a post where this is explained in detail. Dont worry yo are not alone, there are many of us who feel the same as you in ldr's, i think its a common experience, however it is not majorly discussed enough. Hope your ldr works out!
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 hey..
my ldr was exactly like yours.I even posted a question on here.here it is.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-show-him-he-needs-to.html
You can see the state i was in.
It was over in the end.And I am glad it is.
Right now I am very very reluctant to start an LDR again. I like this guy who is way closer than my ex ( my ex was like a 2 hours flight apart, this one is 8 hours by bus) but I dont wanna become alienated or enstranged with him like i did in the last ldr.
u need to TALK to ur guy...leave games aside...and talk about how this really going to work. GET IT ALL OUT IN THE OPEN, before he misinterprets what u show him...
i am sorry my message is a bit negative,but when i read your post,i was like "this used to be me".
good luck.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 April 2011):
 I've been exactly where you are. The burden needs to be shared by both of you, and when you realize you're taking on more than he is, or that at least it's WEARING on you more, then yes, you have to readjust by letting him know what's going on. I think it's going to be okay, good luck and you can PM me in the future on long distance loneliness!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your response! We will definitely be meeting up in the near future, but he's having financial difficulties at the moment so we cannot set a firm date as of yet. I agree with you that the only other option is to explain the situation to him. He's a very understanding and caring person so I'm sure it will go down well.It's funny, I've never even considered to explain the issue to him as i've been too focused on changing myself, in order to fulfill his needs. Consequently, i've been feeling badly about myself because I can never maintain the openness and expression that comes naturally to him. I wish I wasn't such a complicated person lol, I don't know how he can persevere with me! I will definitely take your advice. Thanks again :)
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 April 2011):
I strongly believe it's natural to become emotionally distant from someone you have physical distance from. I have been there for 5 yr. There is no hard and fast answer. My guy was also more forward, expressive while I withdrew. Distance hurts, and when you invest in someone who cannot be there with you and for you, then it is literally a painful relationship.
first, with technology: do you skype too, it's always helpful to SEE the person you're talking to. I know you're young, I don't know how old he is, but summer's coming up, I think it's time to set a date and see each other again, when was the last time you've seen him? If you two set a date you'll have something to look forward to, right? Having a mutual goal of a reunion will ease the distance and although you'll still miss each other, anticipation will build, and probably a little less loneliness, you can plan the whole time together, what will you do when he gets there (or you two go somewhere new, my bf and I went to montreal together, just experienced a new area together which put us on an equal playing field and made everything fun, explorable).
If visiting isn't an option right now, I think you'll need to talk to him again, but a different kind of honesty than your last email. Convey to him that you are struggling with it being long distance. That your withrdrawral reflects the sadness you feel with him being far away. You still want to be together, you still want it to work, but for whatever reason, your body's defense mechanism to the pain that you're going through with him is to close up, protect yourself, and to push him away. I don't think when I was long distance, this phenomenon ever stopped? but I think it really helped that I told my boyfriend, hey I'm not being distant because i want it to end or because I don't like you anymore, I'm just missing you a ton. Because my guy knew that about me, a) he didn't take it personally, or question the relationship when it happened b) he pushed through his own discomfort about me being quiet or whatnot, and made a greater effort to get us through this time cause he wasn't struggling as much as I was, he knew what he wanted, and it DOES sound like your guy is as determined (at least in that email response he sent you!)don't lose confidence/faith in your guy.
Finally, my distance went in waves, and somedays we'd connect really well and it'd keep me going for the next couple of months. embrace the little victories where everything feels like it's back to normal.
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