A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship with the best boyfriend ever. He would do anything for me and we love each other dearly. He's three years older than me, and works full time, whereas i am a student at university. Truthfully he's my first love, i have never felt so in love with a guy before and i absolutely adore him. We have been together almost a year now, and every thing's going so well. He is my first long term/serious relationship. Before him i dated guys, but ended it soon afterwards, just because i got bored or didn't want anything serious. My friends use to say i had commitment issues and was shocked when this relationship got serious. The problem is, no matter how much i love him, i can't seem to stop cheating on him when i'm drunk. When hot guys make a move on me when i'm in clubs with my friends, i can't help myself but to flirt back and tease them. I never have sex with them but end up kissing and foreplay, which is just as bad! I know you will probably say 'you can't love him, if you cheat on him', but i really do love him. I'd be sick/heartbroken if he ever ended it with me. He went traveling for 3 weeks last month and it was just awful, i felt alone without him, and i really did feel like part of me was missing. I was ecstatic when he got back, and he'd also missed me like mad.I know that if he ever found out about my drunken flings he would be devastated. The thought of him being so heartbroken makes me feel sick! I know i can trust him 100% but yet i repay him like this, i just don't know what is wrong with me. All my friends say im so lucky to have him, and that i need to sort myself out! I need to change because he certainly doesn't deserve this. What shall i do for the best?
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drunk, flirt, foreplay, heartbroken, kissing, move on, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): Stop drinking or dump him. If you can't do either then you may love him, but you certainly dont love him enough.
A
female
reader, betty_black +, writes (17 June 2009):
 It depends. If its going to make you feel clearer and better by telling him then do it, but you are seriously risking your relationship. But if you can put it behind you and move on without the need for telling him then dont. Ignorance is afterall, bliss.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (12 June 2009):
 My work is done here...GOODNIGHT CLEVELAND!....
Oh this is rich. I certainly understand your dilemma. Being the hit of the party and getting groped on the dance floor is great if you are a movie double, but bad if you are in a committed relationship.
Regardless of foreplay or grinding, you aren't thinking of the BF you love.
Im in a particularly good mood tonight because I figured someone here would actually tell you this is a good idea, but happily I was wrong.
So I also know that being young you wanna live like there is no tomorrow, party hard and leave a good lookin corpse.
But there is a tomorrow...and you dont wanna wake up in the middle of a roofhie hangover and walking like a cowboy, do ya?
Ah sweety, you are a walking trainwreck thats gonna end up cheating on your guy regardless of how you feel about it
You cant handle your liquor. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I cant booze either, thats why I have been sober for 8 years.
Try engaging in activities that don't involve alcohol. Like replacing your love of partying for love of say...reading a book or hiking or better yet, VOLUNTEERING.
Get your BF involved, bond with this man you say you love, and discover yourself. And as far as excusing this over being drunk....
Alcohol only makes us show to others what we are really like, whether we are happy drunk, crying drunk, flirty drunk(you) or mean drunk (me).
Hence, you are giving yourself a snapshot that most likely at this rate, you will never be a good partner or spouse for anyone until this issue begins to get better.
You cant stop for him however, you will fail if you try for someone else, regardless of who it is. You can only stop when you realize that it is the end of the road for your relationship
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A
male
reader, mfoster1987 +, writes (9 June 2009):
 Honestly it sounds like you have a need for constant attention. I'm not trying to assume i am just going on what you wrote. Anyway a real quick way to test that is
STOP getting drunk and see if the flirting and teasing still happens. If it happens while your judgement is not impaired then you should talk to a therapist because you are craving constant attention.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): I have the same exact problem. I love my girlfriend muchh and that's why I googled this same question. She is much more important to me than anything in the world, including beer. I'm going to lay off the drinking and try to get everything in order. You and I are in the same shoes and I'm going to take the advice being offered here. Best of luck. The guilt sucks, doesn't it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Ohhh man i know how you feel. Dont tell him. It would ruin him... Just try to keep it to yourself and dont do it anymore. IF you cant stop yourself and you continue to do it i suggest you go to the doctor and talk to them about a sexual addiction because thats what i have and since i have come to terms with it everything is so much better and i dont NEED to have sex with everyone to feel okay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Thanks for your responses. Definitely going to stop drinking, he's worth so much more to me, and i couldn't imagine not being with him :(I'm going to start again, no more drink! Do you think i should own up and take responsibility for my actions and tell him why i'm going to stop drinking when out with friends?
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A
female
reader, betty_black +, writes (7 June 2009):
Stay away from clubs. If your gonna drink do it at home or go to a pub where your gonna be surrounded by older men who arent gonna be as attractive to you. Or even better, quit drinking all together. If you dont like what happens to you when you get drunk then stop it. Find better things to do with your money and time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Well you could try staying sober. But really,why blame it on the drink, the relationship is not as perfect as you say if you want to cheat on him.
Maybe you do have commitment issues, best get some counselling to sort these out and why you want such constant attention from men.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Poor guy.
I'm sorry but the answer is staring you in the face. If you're only doing it when you're drunk then don't drink. Some people become teetotal for a reason. You are one of those people who should be because what you're doing is a damn good reason to stop. It's going to effect every relationship you ever have.
If you cannot do that then let the guy go find someone who will do anything for him. It all comes down to you and what's more important to you - alcohol and clubbing or the boyfriend you claim to love with all your heart. One of them has to go.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 June 2009):
 This is a pretty easy equation, and by now you should be able to see your pattern. Clubs + drinking = You cheating on your fella. So, what do you think you need to subtract to quit cheating on your man?
If you are committed to your man, you will commit to a new lifestyle and not making the same mistakes over and over again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Well I won't say that if you cheat on him it means you don't love him. But I will say that if you loved him you would find a way to stop lying to him.
"I was drunk!" is just an excuse. If you are faithful and devoted to him, it doesn't matter how drunk you get, you will not need another man to make you feel sexy and appreciated.
You need to seriously think of why you keep doing it, and, if you can't be sure you'll be able to stop and be honest with this man, I think you should end the relationship and let him find a decent girl.
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A
female
reader, Blondy +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Ummm, stop drinking? If it is JUST the alcohol that makes you cheat (which it probably isn't and thats a lame ass excuse) then if you stopped getting drunk you would stop cheating. Theres probably more to it though if this happens everytime you get drunk and what you are doing to this guy is terrible and a really shitty way to show him you love him. Stop drinking and stop cheating, or break it off and go have all the drunken flings you want. Choose one because what you are doing to him is really unfair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): i used to be the same way, i couldnt help my self. But i loved my boyfriend and would do anything for him. So to end my awful habit i told him i missed him alot and wished he could stay home more, so he decided to not travel so much and now were happy any my hobbies way behind me. Sometimes when he kisses me i still have a bit of guilt, but thats getting better now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): If you really want to stop, then stop drinking! If you don't feel you can give up the drink for him, then maybe you shouldn't be together. It's not fair on him.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (7 June 2009):
 STOP DRINKING, if you do love him that will stop the problem and if you don't want to stop, you have to dump him because you are being selfish.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Stop drinking & stop going to clubs.
If it's the alcohol that's doing it that should fix your problem, if it doesn't fix it well then maybe you just need all of that attention. And if that's the case then you shouldn't put him through that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Here is an easy solution to your problem. If your bf isnt there. DONT GET DRUNK! Ta-da!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Your problem is not so much the cheating, it is the drinking. But you recognize there is an issue, and it is a great thing that you want to figure it out. None of this means that you are a bad person or that you don't love your boyfriend!
The key for you is that drinking makes you lost self control. This is not uncommon, but some people have more problems than others. What you must do is learn to recognize when you lost your self control - and it happens when you're drinking. So, you either need to stop drinking or you need to find a way to go out and just have a drink or two, but not get drunk.
Believe me, if you continue to drink to the point where you are drunk, you will be unable to stop this behavior, no matter how much you love your boyfriend.
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