A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 20 years, but Im near the end of my tether with keeping our marriage going. Here are the main problems I have.Trust. She does not trust me, so much so that I cannot engage in normal activities without her thinking I'm seeing sonmeone else. I belong to a theatre group (something I've wanted to do for years, but have not because she knew many affairs started there, at least in the armed forces one that she knew of), and one of my friends there sent me an email asking if both of us if we could come to her 30th birthday. She signed it with 2 kisses (x) and my wife went bananas, accusing me of all sorts. I have never had an affair of a fling of any sort but she still will not trust me.Socialising. She will not engage with my friends, branding them as not her sort of people. OK, they are in the armed forces and get a bit loud but nothing too bad. She is happy for me to have friends as part of couples that she knows but will not make an effort to mix with my new friends (who are outside the forces, to try and make things better for her).She WILL NOT make the effort to get to know people locally, but keeps contact with a few close friends by phone and when they visit. She is a Christian who has not found a suitable church locally. We can't get babysitters (no relatives living nearby) and so cannot go out as a couple anyway. I've told her we should get a paid childminder but because our youngest son is autistic she does not trust anyone to look after him who she does not know. So I go out on my own to have some sort of a life outside the family. I love my kids, I really do, but I have to have an adult life as well, where I can meet people and engage with them. Not much, just once or twice a week is fine. I also work befriending old people once a week, which takes up a couple of hours a week.Her background: Father a recovered alcoholic, mother has MS, advanced stages, both parents in poor health. 2 sisters have emigrated, brother says little, not from a close family, like me. She has worked on and off but not for the past 10 years or so.I am sick of earning on my own while she considers a part time job to be beneath her if it means working at a store etc. She knows I want her to help earn a little but it#s all up to me.I'm no angel, rest assured, but I feel she has this bullying, contolling thing over me and I find confrontations really difficult. She tends to use raised voices and letting off steam as a way of releasing the tension. i just hate it, and have told her we ought to get counselling but she will not have any of it. I can 't talk to this to anyone else because I wouldn't know who to ask! My mum thinks the is so great and her friends say she is so strong. i just want out, I've hung on for the sake of our kids as I know how important a Dad is to them. I'm also afraid of failure, of being branded a loser who couldn't keep it together. Thanks for reading, I hope to get some advice and I will answer questions if I can
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): No, man, you're not going mad. It sounds like a perfectly innocent (and gracious!) email. Your wife's reaction to it speaks volumes about her insecurities.
A
male
reader, rocknroll  +, writes (7 June 2009):
The first thing I would like to address, are the children and having others besides yourselves watch them for a certain length of time. This is a must process to insure your child’s well being and safety.Just as yourself, her parents controlled your wife’s life for the first 18 years of life. She holds dear what she was taught very close to her, and believes that they are correct guidelines that were handed down to her, just like a religious person and their faith, they also hold close their bible; this is a natural human instinct. You and your spouse need to consider upbringing and beliefs of those that might watch your children, for their belief system will be passed on to your children, depending on how old they are. There will be behaviors of these babysitters that may not be acceptable, and for good reasons. I know some have heard that parents noticed a change in their child’s behavior after having a babysitter and set up nanny cams and were horrified as to how their children were treated. When selecting a babysitter, if you do, these things MUST be considered. A reputable organization that supplies babysitters who also performs a thorough background check, as well as a behavioral test to make sure they are suitable for you and your children should be done. Tell you the truth, I didn’t trust my mother because she was too temperamental, and my step dad was verbally and physically abusive, so they were out. But because my family in general lived hundreds of miles away, they were no in the picture of available babysitters anyways. For my wife, her family was thousands of miles away.In my situation, my wife and I rarely ever got time alone, except for when the children went to sleep, which meant, we were stuck at home. We were lucky that our children behaved well so that we all could go out to eat at any establishment without causing grief on other patrons. Only once did we have a babysitter, when I found out, I was not very happy with my wife, and was furious as to how my child was left alone in a strange home … you could see it in his eyes, and he just about broke out in tears when he saw me for the relief he just had. Children raising was a struggle between my wife and I, we had different views of right and wrong and this leaked into our relationship in other ways. When you have a partner that refuses to listen and grasp your point of view, it will be a struggle and will take extra effort on your part not to ruffle your partners feathers, but also provide what you strongly believe, not because of what you have heard or how you were raised, but because of experience that showed results, that this is the best path to take.Most disturbing on raising children, is the belief that children are not very smart. I never believed this, because I myself was typecast of this as a child, and I learned early on that adults were not very smart themselves, and took on the attitude that they knew it all and really knew little about human nature and needs. I tried warning my wife on many occasions about our two boys, but she never heeded the warning, and continued to make the same mistakes over and over. Even some 20 years later, she still repeats the mistakes with our now adult children. So with that, I say the following:As long as you and your spouse use your free time to set guidelines, boundaries and identifiers that discussions need to change direction for certain reasons, many discussions can be discussed with your children present, and depending on their age, like being able to talk and carry a conversation, they might be included in the debate, at least to make sure that they are not being negatively impacted. Children do have a different perspective on things, and they are more attuned to their needs then we are, so their input is important. It will take practice with them present, conversation will need to be monitored and checked, and it needs to go a roughly slow pace so the entire conversation and impact can be watched.If you can find someone or agency that can provide assurances of your children’s safety, their philosophy, how they handle certain situations, then you can schedule time out alone. When my wife and I did get out (her mom from another country was visiting), I didn’t last long being separated from my kids that I eventually wanted to come home early. Any problems you have can almost be done as a whole, a family unit with no exclusions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm overwhelmed and humbled by all the replies I've received, importantly looking at things from both sides - thank you all. My first post was written rather hurridly and it all sort of spilled out, sorry if it sounds a bit incoherent. I was going to offer a reply based on my wife's perspective, but rock 'n roll, you doe some of that for me. I'm trying hard to keep things in perspective, and all your posts offer so many different anlges it's really helpful.
Let me try to offer some responses to your posts, if I have to go, you know why and I will revisit later.
Klara, why has she been so suspicious? I enjoy glancing at women but have kept my eye on them in the past for a second or two longer than I should have done. So in recent years, I do not look at them at all and I can just see her heckles being raised as soon as an attractive woman is anywhere near us. It's ridiculous, I can't engage in conversation with them without her feeling I'm chatting them up. Yes, I am a socaible sort of guy but no good looker, let's be clear about that! She's also seen both her sisters divorce, the first one got beat up quite badly.
On the babysitter, I' sorry but she will not be moved. We have read stories in the media of abuse of disabled people and she used to work in a home for the same, so she knows the potential. I just can't see a way out of this one.
As for a friends to talk too, someone approached me last night and asked me how I was and it all came out! so I'll pursue that one, I did it thanks to you all encouraging me - thank you!
Rocknroll, I really value your input. You hit it on the head about her compatibility with the military way of lfe. She never really fitted in with social acitivities, attracting women who would pour out their troubles to her, while listening to the men talking about work. It seems that some women are able/happy to socialise in that environment, but my wife decided to pull the handle completely on that one about 5 years ago. So very function I go to I make excuses about her not being there which I'm just fed up with now. I got thinking, 'what am I doing inventing a tissue of lies so I don't offend anyone by saying, 'actually she doesn't really like these functions or the people that go there?'' Most of them are decent people with good morals, they just like to drink a bit and let their hair down (not too much!) which seems to go against what she is about. I think the dad/alcohol thing has had a massive impact on her in her earlier years. She always goes on at me about why I need to drink to enjoy myself, I don't loose control or behave like an ass, I just like to go out and enjoy myself with a few beers! And yet I'm made to feel like this selfish person who is guilty of such a sin.
Rockandroll, does the babysitter thing mean we just don't go out as a couple? how are we going to spend time with each other, as adults, if we don't get out of the house without the kids? We just end up doing our own social activities (well, I do, she does nothing locally, despite me saying she needs to get out in the local community and see people).
Yes, the reason we are both together is that we both came from families with no strong bonds but we wanted that closeness ourselves. And it has turned out to be a poisoned chalice as we have no family nearby to support us and are doing it on our own. But I didn't realise about her fiery temper and insecurites until we'd been married for a few years. And I've learned to adjust to it ever since. Why didn't I leave earlier? Why did I have kids wth her? I've asked myself that question many times, beleive me. But I am where I am.
Thanks old guy, I really appreciate your bear hug mate! I will make some enquiries about seperation to give me some idea of what I've got to think about and maybe plan for.
Jalmetha, thanks for your female perspecive. I think I will have to have a long chat as you say, stay calm and put my cards on the table. i don't see how I can spend the next 20/30 years going on like this with her feeling this way about my friends, and being so suspicious about what I do out of the family home.
Can I just ask anyone, if a 30 year old female who I've met once or twice sends me an email asking me and my wife to her 30th birthday party, includes my wife in the email by saying how nice it would be to meet her and how she (my wife) will meet all the theatre people who I have been working with, this email goes to an address which is open for her to see, is signed with 2 kisses and a winking smiley....is it right that she was so horrible over this, really venomous? Am I going mad?
Thank you all again for your time in replying to me, it means so much. Sorry for the typos!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): I have to agree with Old Guy! You have done everything to try to save your marriage. If she is not willing to give an inch, what more can you do?
I know how it feels to not be trusted...to be accused of things you haven't done, or wouldn't do. I also know how it is to be controlled, and cut off from friends. It's no way to live!
It takes two people to save a marriage! You can't do it alone and obviously, she is not willing to change a thing. Also, hanging on for the sake of the kids, does not work! Kids would rather come from a broken marriage than live in one! I just heard that recently on a show about adult children from toxic families.
You have done all you can to try to make your relationship work...Now it's time to put your needs first!
Good Luck and Best Wishes
Britt
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male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (6 June 2009):
The human psyche is the hardest thing to maintain with any superiority.
If we could communicate telepathically, or connect and share data between us like a computer, we wouldn’t have problems in relationships. We would also be able to mentally overcome all physical ailments.
Trust issues: I assume you have tried to understand why she is this way, and have asked her questions concerning this. I assume you have also pleaded with her that you would not ever fall for someone else. Problem is, her actions are setting you up for just that. She is creating the division between you that will make you vulnerable to it, because your own needs of being trusted is not there.
Social issues: Now I can understand that your military friends will have a mindset that she cannot understand or participate with. Some of what is said and done in the group, goes against her grain of possibly right and wrong or morally. I hope you can understand this part of the equation. I’m sure you would go nuts eventually if you hung out with her girl friends all day, shopping, chit-chatting about girly things. Here, it seems you have your guy thing and she has her girl thing. Long term though, you both may eventually have to give up some of this companionship. Separation, depending on the amount, the type, has a tendency to split people apart to the point they have different interest (you take on your friends interest), and mentally, become detached. Being a socialite is not for everyone, and with kids, can be a real drain.
Her family issues is not a big deal, it is what it is and just have to deal with it.
For babysitters, I have to side with her. I would not allow a stranger or someone I knew and trusted to be left alone with my kids. Over protective? Probably, but better safe then sorry.
I think with you personality, being easily moved and moveable through the social scene, that this goes against her grain (I am actually the same way), and there is little you or her can do about it. To overcome this, would be a huge burden on her. Remember, the characteristics of her is probably would brought you to her, you like these qualities.
Some of these problems over time can be lessen I think, but it will require a clear understanding, and this understanding will require persistence under compassionate, loving, caring, honest communication.
She sounds like a fantastic woman. We cannot expect anyone but ourselves to fit us perfectly.
Hate to say it, because I know you wanted input on how to get her more to your thinking, but it won’t happen anytime soon, and I think you need to back off on you persistence in trying to change her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Good heavens -- what a damning indictment. Makes me want to hire a truck and help you move out.
What you describe is a situation I wouldn't want to be in either. You've tried -- you've suggested marriage counselling, and she won't have it. Sounds like she'll only have things her way, period.
In your shoes I'd first consult a solicitor who specializes in divorce, before I did anything else. I suspect that if you leave, the courts will crucify you financially -- take steps to try to safeguard enough for at least subsistence living before she can attack.
Sounds like you're they type of guy who can move on, make new friends, and really make a go of a new life. I wish you happiness, whichever way you choose to proceed.
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female
reader, jalmetha +, writes (6 June 2009):
 You need to have a sit down, very long talk with her. Share all of your feelings, every last one!
When she starts yelling, don't engage. Let her finish and start up again. Say that you are tired of being shut out from the world, that the two of you still need adult conservations and how healthier it will make the two of you.
Assure her that it is okay for the two of you to have outside friends. Be very adamant when you say that you have never cheated on her and would never do so. But… we can’t go on living like this. That you feel smothered and that your lives have got to change. That your love for your children will never waiver, but you’re “not sure how long the two of you can go on like this”. Don’t say that you will leave, just say that.
She may be so used to living this way that she is unaware of how things are and this statement may jar her. It will give her a lot to think about. Hopefully she will come around. We women will react when we think our life styles are about to change, especially when the man we love is becoming restless.
I truly hope it works out for you.
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