A
female
age
36-40,
*letheaHarte
writes:Hello. Recently i have been unhappy. I keep thinking maybe i am just being stupid, melodramatic, and childish. But i cannot shake the feeling that i don't mean anything to anyone. I am an only child, so loneliness is always a factor but its never bothered me before. What does bother me is the fact that while my friends and family all have dramas, it seems i am not allowed to feel so down, or feel as depressed as i do now. When i want help or comfort no-one is there for me. It makes me feel like no one cares.Lately my relationship with my dad has been strained. Because i was dating a man older than me by some years. I gave him up, just so my dad would speak to me again. I gave him up and i wish to god i hadn't. For two months now i've lied to myself saying i dumped my ex because i didn't like his lifestyle. Its mad how easily i fooled myself into believing this.My mum was no help, she is ruled by him, so much so that recently she was persuaded NOT to attend her niece's son's christening which annoyed me. There is nothing we can do about him, he is a law unto himself. And while we have to listen to him and his 'amusing' stories, when we have our own to tell, you can see he is not the slightest bit interested. I just get the feeling that i give give give, and get nothing in return.At the christening i sat with two great aunts and they almost reduced me to tears when they were nice to me. How can you get upset because someone is nice to you. I know i sound like i am feeling sorry for myself. I probably am, but it doesnt change the fact that, for now, i feel very alone and unloved. I am 26 years old. I shouldnt be feeling like this.Please help.
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male
reader, freeme  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I have a few suggestions for you:
1. Find the man you dumped and tell him what you told us. Maybe you can get him back.
2. Move past your father somehow. If you depend on him financially, it sounds like he is using this to control you. You need to become independent. you of course, should not lose respect for a parent who has raised you, but at this point in your life the way they treat you is important. Don't allow your father to run your life.
3. I'll run a bit with the fact you were at a baptism, and encourage you to become active in a church. There, you will likely be surrounded by people who are 'nice' and you may find someone you can talk too when you feel lonely. Meanwhile, the message might help you find greater purpose and more reward for all the 'give, give, give' you do. Which is of course, a very admirable quality.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 June 2011):
the reason you were crying when people were nice to you is because it happens so rarely for you. All people have basic emotional needs such as for love and acceptance and social support. Wishing these needs away (because our past or present circumstances didn't allow those needs to be fulfilled) doesn't make them go away, they're always there, they're intrinsic to being human. When these basic emotional needs are chronically unmet or violated, it creates psychological problems as your mind attempts to adapt. (This is especially true when it happens in childhood because children's minds are not fully developed and are very vulnerable to outside influences.)
One coping/adapting mechanism for chronically and severely unmet or violated basic emotional needs, is depression. Of course you don't consciously decide that you will cope by going into a depression, rather it's what happens naturally without your conscious thought. Depression is often the result of anger that is turned inward aimed at yourself or internalized. (we are conditioned that outwardly showing anger at others is socially unacceptable so the anger has no where to go except to be directed inwards).
You grew up your whole life having your feelings invalidated so now as an adult your self esteem is very damaged. Furthermore, it's natural to feel upset that your basic emotional needs are chronically being unmet but because you've been conditioned that it's socially unacceptable to show anger at others outwardly, your anger gets internalized and results in depression. Realize that it's not your fault that you feel the way you do, your feelings now, are the result of you coping the only way you knew how (or the only way that was available to you)in response to a long-term emotionally damaging environment. This is not a "victim mentality," it's the truth. children don't have the maturity that adults do to deal with emotional abandonment, so children who were often emotionally abandoned, grow up to have psychological issues.
the good news is that you're now an adult so other parts of your brain are more developed to where you are now in a position to no longer be at the mercy of your surroundings and the people around you (your family), but to proactively reprogram the way you think and behave and thus to free yourself from the cycle you've been in regarding your family dynamic that has been hurting you. You've already developed a lot of self awareness (as shown in your post), which is a big and crucial first step towards healing and ultimately becoming emotionally healthier and feeling better.
Stop altering your personal life choices due to your father's wishes. It will feel foreign and "wrong" and also scary (as you anticipate the consequences for your rebellion), but try to do it consistently. If he continues to treat you as a non-entity or punish you by cutting off contact for disobeying him, then play by his rules - by remaining out of contact with him!! He's the one who's choosing to terminate the relationship by refusing to speak to you, not you by dating the person you want to date! ...if someone would cut you out of their life because you don't do what they want, is this a relationship that is worth preserving in the first place??
Don't look to your mother for help - her self esteem is probably non existent by now from being married to your father for so long and allowing herself to be ruled by him. She's probably in a depression as well and lost in her own troubled inner world. But maybe when you start to stand up for yourself, you'll inspire her to do the same by being a good role model for her (yes you can be a role model for your mother).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Yes at 26 you should not be feeling like this, and, sorry if I sound inconsiderate, but I frankly think you should neither still be so involved and caught up in your family, their dynamics and dramas. You are not a child anymore, why is it that still Dad and Mum loom so large in your life and take so much space in it ?
I don't mean you have to stop loving them or caring about them- but you can do that from a distance .At least psychological, if not physical.
Why do you even still live at home ? Maybe for financial resaons, ok, but, are you at least working on making yourself independent ?
Why do you feel that you have to please your father at all costs and were even willing to sacrifice your relationship just to be Daddy's little girl a bit longer ?
Why do you assume that your parents should be those to lift you out of your depression , maybe they don't have he tools and the skills to do that, you should see a professional therapist.
Why , if you cannot get the support that you want from your family ( and you are absolutely no exception- families often have the best intentions- and no idea how to put these intentions in practice ) don't you work at creating your own support net outside of the family ?
Why do you give give give ? just give what feels comfortable, and most of all never give anything expecting for something in return, giving with strings attached is worse than not giving at all. If you give, it should be for the sheer pleasure of giving, not because so other people will notice how good you are and they'll be nice to you.
Sorry,maybe I am being harsh, but I see no way out of your predicament until you keep thinking and acting like a 10 years old who screams : Daddy look at me ! Mommy look at me ! Look, look !
It could be that you feel this way precisely because you grew up deprived of the warmth and affection you should have gotten as a child- and ? Tough luck. You'd be surprised to know how few people got the perfect parents and the perfect childhood, and how many instead carry around some old wound.
But you can't keep licking it for the rest of your life !
Time to grow up - time to cut that umbilical cord now....
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 June 2011):
 It sounds like you're going through a real low point from the breakup. We've all been there in varying degrees - you're not alone. Take comfort in knowing that many people have had similarly bad times, and if they can survive and be happy again, so can you.
Learn from this. You dumped a guy because of your father and now you're sad - so don't do that again. You don't have to be confrontational about it, just quietly refuse to change next time that situation comes up.
If you can stomach the risk of rejection (and there's no shame if you can't), try to contact your ex and get back together. I think the risk of rejection is high, so be realistic about it. If it's not happening, embrace your single life and take some time getting comfortable with yourself before finding a new boyfriend.
Or, you feel like other people don't listen enough - so set an example. Keep on being there for others, and seek out friends and family who are there for you, too, like your aunts.
Identify what's making you sad, and what traits you dislike in others. Make a list. Fix what's making you sad by minimizing its influence in your life - either remove it, or just stop letting it affect you or your decisions. Excise the traits you dislike from your own personality, and set an example for others, and take pride in your self-improvement. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): hi, your story resonates with me. I'm a 35 year old woman, married 12 years, and my own family and my in-laws also take, take, take from me and I'm not allowed to have my own voice heard or to have any say or to have my needs or wants met instead I always have to give to them and do what they want. (and yes I'm also an only child so all my parents disappointments in their own lives and wrath gets directed onto me because there's no one else)At first when I was younger, like your age, I was OK with it for a few reasons. I thought that the "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you" law was in effect, which I learned in school and in church and ironically which my parents taught me. So I kept giving and giving and doing everything they demanded from me, thinking that at some point they would reciprocate and consider what I want. But it never happened (both with my family as well as my husband's family). Yet I kept suppressing my hurt and resentment (if I let it show, I would suffer consequences from them). After a few years I actually got used to being treated this way and "learned my place"...I learned to just let it roll off my shoulder and to not make a big deal out of it. for a few years I was OK with this - I knew how to behave and act to keep the peace.but inside, anger was brewing inside me. Finally around a year ago, after more than a decade of constant treatment like this from my family and my husband's family, something in me snapped. I started to lose my temper at family members and in-laws over seemingly small things. They were extremely shocked. Because I have NEVER EVER dared to contradict anyone let alone show anger.My family was shocked and right now they have backed off from me, which I like. My in-laws are "fighting back" at me with their own temper tantrums and rage. Now I've got a much clearer picture. They are selfish, they dont' care about my feelings as much as they care that I fulfill the role that they have in their minds that I play in their lives. (like being the dutiful daughter or the dutiful daughter in law). I am like an object to them, there to play a role or character like in a movie, that's how they see me. When I don't want to do something they want me to do, they get angry because I'm not fulfilling what they want.But now I've had it up to here. I'm not letting them use me like a doormat anymore. It felt good to lose my temper at them. Not that they 'accept' how I feel.Now I'm simply not giving into their demands anymore. And yes they are raging at me, or guilt tripping me, but I just don't care. In the past, their rage or emotionalism would have made me cave in and do what they want, but I'm not doing that anymore.I've learned that with selfish people, the rule of "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you" doesn't work. You can be as considerate and compassionate and giving to them, and they will never reciprocate. Instead, the new rule with these kinds of people is "people will treat you however you allow them to."When I was your age, I wasn't feeling like this because it hadn't gone on long enough to take its toll on me. I still had a lot in reserve. But now, 10 years later, I have nothigng left so that's why I'm no longer going along with what they want, because I really can't stand it anymore.I've now learned about the concept of "personal boundaries"...see I actually learned the opposite when I was growing up, that it is "right" to be selfless and give to others and sacrifice your needs for others, and that it's "wrong" and selfish to want others to go along with what you want. So I always tried to be " good" person since I was small, by trying to not be selfish.I *think* being like this is OK if you're with normal people. But if you're stuck with selfish people, then it's a recipe for disaster because selfish people will expect you to sacrifice for them, and you will be "happy" to do it because you feel it's the only right thing to do. Yet whereas normal people would then take their turn to sacrifice for you eventually, with selfish people that never happens. Initially when you're still young you may be strong enough to just set it aside. But as the years drag on, not having your personal boundaries respected, takes its toll on you.now when I'm finally learning about how to set and enforce personal boundaries, and taking a stand for myself, I feel very happy even though my family and in-laws are raging at me and trying to blame everything on me. I used to be upset if they did that and want to avoid it at all costs, now I am actually gleefully happy when they do this! I feel liberated.my advice to you: Your family is repeatedly disrespecting your personal boundaries. They are self centered, they see you only as a "role player" to play the role of some character (like the "good daughter) in their lives that they want to have. That's why they dont' really care about your feelings, they are more concerned that you fulfill their goals. Probably you've been conditioned since an early age to BE the "good daughter" so this is your identity and it feels wrong or strange to stand up for yourself.But...if you don't stand up for yourself, sooner or later you will get worn down and you may snap.I don't think you're being melodramatic or childish. Because when people trample on you repeatedly, it's normal to feel upset. Read up on personal boundaries in family relationships (you can google it)Remember: with "normal" people - if you are nice to them they will reciprocate. But with selfish people - if you are nice to them they just expect more and more of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): well...wow. just the first few sentences of your dilemna, brought a tear to my eye, i can soooooo relate.thats such a hard call breaking off with your man to please your father. oh sweetie, what have you done? you love your family very much, how noble, but throwing away your own happiness....one of my favourite lines (from oriah mountain dreamer) "would you disappoint another to be true to yourself" its like the more you give, the more they take, and it sounds like youre running out of give. please dont think for a minute that no one cares, even though i feel the same way OFTEN! because i saw this letter, and i responded, some complete stranger CARES. i am CERTAIN your family cares about you, loves you, family cant be traded though lol can you get your ex back? can you contact him? can you talk to your dad? keep us posted here, let me know whats up ok?
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