A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriends best friend is a girl which I've always been ok with because she was dating one of his friends and my boyfriend says that even though she is attractive, he doesn't find her attractive. however I've recently found out that she does porn to pay her student loans and isn't in an exclusive relationship both things which make me a little insecure. I mean my boyfriend and I go to different to colleges hours apart so I'm a little worried about him hanging out all day with a porn star essentially, should I tell him I'm uncomfortable or will it drive a bigger wedge?
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best friend, insecure, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016): I see that everyone here has been very judgemental to you. I understand completely why you are worried. And frankly, the way I see it, you should be. Everyone is different, I guess. You have to find what YOU are comfortable with. People say pornstars usually don't sleep around outside of the job...sorry but that is absolute bullshit! I have known a few doing the same thing for college and they very much enjoyed sex, both for money and on their spare time for pleasure. But next we deal with your boyfriend. Why is he getting so close to her knowing she is a pornstar? He probably watches her videos too (let's not be naive!) Are you comfortable with that? Some level of friendship between the sexes is ok, but for a lot of people, a deep "just friends" thing with the opposite sex doesn't really exist...If you really enjoy the other's company that much than why wouldn't you be attracted?It all depends on if you are old school or new school and what YOU value. GOod luck
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 December 2016):
 Am not sure why her doing porn has changed her friendship with your boyfriend. It hasn't really, and you need to trust him or else there is no point being with him.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 What could you possibly do to allay your worry, discomfort and insecurity to rest when your colleges are hours apart? Move to his College?
He says; he doesn’t find her attractive. I’m wondering when he found her unattractive; before or after her student loan repayment plan commenced.
Plus would it be possible he has values, a set of standards about what he finds attractive in a person? They may well be best friends and known each other for years, but her now personal choices and methods could make him think the wiser?
In any case you’re not moving to his College, you can only voice your concerns and layout the ground rules, and understand after hours of a moaning screen performance; one does not exactly want to come home throw their feet up in the air or go riding again!
CAA
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A
female
reader, Flabby Thighs  +, writes (5 December 2016):
She doesn't want to f*** your boyfriend! Get a grip on your jealousy/ insecurities which WILL drive a wedge between you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 She does porn for money. Because they pay her. I doubt she would offer your boyfriend a sample of her art for free. If she were a dental hygienist, you would not be worried that she could force your bf to open his mouth and get his teeth cleaned, right ?:)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 December 2016):
 It's a job. It doesn't mean she fucks every guy she lays eyes on. There must be other reasons youre worried about this arrangement. Do you not trust your boyfriend? If you do then what's the problem? Even if you don't trust her but you trust him not to do anything then it should be fine right?
I don't really think there's anything you can do. They're best friends, you don't like her job, I don't think he's going to stop hanging out with her because of it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 Sure let him know how you feel. Tell him you'd rather she got a job as a server at a fast food joint making less money then you'd feel more secure.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (5 December 2016):
 I think it is ok to tell him how you feel. I mean I would care much for someone I didn't think cares much and if you were friends with a male who did porn and was a free agent I think he too would feel a little uncomfortable with the situation. Does her job make her anymore promiscuous off the screen maybe, maybe not but it does raise an eyebrow of suspicion and concern and very tempting for a dude. How you go about saying is another thing. " Babe I have to be honest i feel uncomfortable knowing that my bf is friends a porn star and worry she may cross the line and try something with you" as apposed to " If you so much as look at that slut knowing that she is a porn star I'll cut your balls off and use then for a coin purse"kind of thing. At the end of the day all you can really do is either accept it or not. Personally I would not and you can only trust someone till you can't
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 December 2016):
 I can't see why this would affect you AT ALL!
Now if your BF talked about her "porn star status" constantly I might be uncomfortable, but I think your BF is the "typical" males who watches porn but really wouldn't touch a pornstar with a ten-foot pole, not even if she is both a friend and attractive.
And OP, JUST because she CHOOSES to do porn doesn't mean she will try and sleep with every guy with a pulse.
For her, it's a JOB. She isn't paid to have sex with other guys just when she is in front of the camera.
Personally? I think someone who NOT exclusive - who either enjoys polyamorous relationships or just multiple partners are WAY more likely to sleep with more people than someone who has SEX as a job to pay bills.
EITHER, dear OP... you trust your BF to be faithful (regardless of being friends with a "porn star") or you don't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): "should I tell him I'm uncomfortable or will it drive a bigger wedge?"What's there to be uncomfortable about? She has sex for money, how would it benefit her to give it away for free?That she has chosen to appear in porn films doesn't necessarily mean she's promiscuous, it just means that to her it is the most attractive financial option available.And in any event she likely wouldn't want to risk her friendship with your boyfriend by coming on to him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 December 2016):
 You should be able to say "I completely trust you, but it does make me a little uncomfortable". However, if you imply you don't trust her or want him to stop hanging out with her as much, then it'll drive a bigger wedge.If you trust each other enough, you could hang out with celebrities and not worry about one of you cheating, if the opportunity arose.You weren't bothered by her before, so try not to be now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): We live in a world that keeps chanting terms like 'human choice' 'human rights' and 'don't judge'. Yes, you shouldn't judge. Sure. However, if somebody is your boyfriend you should judge them by a moral scale and measure if it matches to your own units and measurements. Not judging does not mean giving up YOUR OWN boundaries and limitations for someone else.Let us say there's nothing more than friendship between your bf and this girl Even then, do you want to build a relationship and future with a guy whose best friend and buddies are into MAKING porn?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 December 2016):
 But honey, messing around with him would be like taking her work home with her! If he has been friends with her for so long, then if something was going to happen, it would have happened by now. If he wanted to mess around with her, why would he bother having a relationship with you? Men and women CAN be friends without wanting to bonk each other, regardless of whether one is in porn or not. I say this from experience. I have a number of male friends, all of whom I am very fond of and very close to, but I couldn't imagine getting sexual with any of them. It would almost be like having sex with a family member. I think you will come across as a far nicer person if, rather than questioning whether there is anything going on between them, you show a bit of empathy for this girl and ask your boyfriend if she is ok. I can't help feeling a bit sorry for her if she has to pay her way through college by doing this sort of work.
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