A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my man for a few years now and we are engaged to be married in a few months time. Recently the sexual part of the relationship seems to be non existent. Its been at least two and a half weeks since we last had sex and we are lucky if we manage once a week, this dry patch is certainly not rare. Whenever I tell him I'm not happy about it or I feel down about it he suggests I'm pressuring him which I am not, or starts making excuses saying its not unusual and therefore not a problem. if I do try to initiate the sex he just says he's tired after work and isn't in the mood. I just feel a little unwanted and that not much effort is being made. I feel like there's no point trying to talk to him about it as I will get nowhere by doing that and he will just say I'm pressuring him. I love him with all my heart and can't wait to marry him. I just don't want to end up in a sex-less marriage. Please help.
View related questions:
engaged, in the mood, says he's tired Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Thanks guys for your feedback. I made sure we had a proper conversation over the weekend and he said he has been really stressed at work which has contributed to the situation. He also said he had issues with how to initiate sex which have arisen and he hasn't been able to deal with. Hopefully this is sorted now we have both talked about what we will do to get the spark back in the bedroom! It seems to have helped already as we have done it twice in two days!! Haha! Thanks again!! I'm now looking forward to the wedding! X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): The period and frequency that you mentioned does not ring any alarm. I think you can work with it. Most of the time with all the couple it happens ( irrespective of what ever he or she claim it ) . The relationship is not just sex frequency. It is much above that especially when you are thinking of getting married.
...............................
A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Have him get checked for low testosterone, there may be a simple solution to your problem. But don't marry him until this issue is resolved.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Please dont marry him or you will end up in a sexless marriage like me. My now husband showed very little interest in sex with me after the first few times. We even went on a 3 week holiday and only had sex once and we had only been together about 8 months. That was his choice not to have sex, not mine. I was as horny as anything. Same with the honeymoon, 3 weeks and maybe only sex a few times. It doesnt get better.
Sexless marriage in my case has caused many arguments, the sex got so infrequent and bad that we stopped sleeping together and he ended up having sex with other women behind my back, which has really devestated me to think of the arguments we had over his lack of libido, yet he went elsewhere to get it. As one poster on this site replied to my question about a similar topic, she said that maybe sex with me had become too troublesome and it was easier to get it no strings attached from other women.
I thought his low sex drive was abnormal right from day 1, now 12 years later, and having had cheated on me, he still doesnt want sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (25 February 2011):
The quality of a relationship is not determined by whether or not there are problems in the relationship. All relationshis have problems that arise from time to time. The thing that determines a relationship is how you deal with the problems when they come up.
Sex is the one thing that you cant get outside your marriage or committed relationship, so its the one thing that really needs to be sorted out if you are going to be married. If you can't deal with this, it would raise question marks for me as to whether your marriage will hold up down the line.
Whether or not you end up in a sexless marriage depends on you, on whether you are prepared to tolerate your sexless relationship before you get married. If you put up with it now, you will put up with it later.
Also, its not a question of blame, it takes two to tango. Tell your boyfriend you know it won't work to pressure him for sex, that will just push him further away from feeling like having sex, but tell him that there is a problem, and that he knows that there is a problem, and that you want to know what you are both, together, going to do about it to make the relationship more of what you both want to have.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 I agree with bitterblue. Don't go ahead with the marriage; which INCLUDES a lifetime of raising a family in a situation that you ALREADY aren't happy with. You are not even engaged yet. There is something else going on here that hasn't surfaced yet, and it's all about him and his lack of sexual interest. Statistics show that young marrieds' and couples who live together have the most sex; so something is definitely wrong. If your impending engagement is the problem you might want to look at this issue.
http://primal-page.com/madonna.htm
I knew a woman who had visited the US from England. She had a whirlwind romance, and until they were married; they had a great sex life. The minute that she became his wife, sex went out the window. He went into analysis; and this what the Doctor thought was the issue for him. Perhaps your engagement has triggered something for him? Just offering this as an insight that may or may not have any relevance to you and your situation. Best of luck with everything.
...............................
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (25 February 2011):
 I hate to be the one to break it to you but you will "end up in a sex-less marriage" if you don't make a big deal out of this. This is what I would call a 'deal breaker'. Don't tell him what you want or need tell him the way it has to be. This is non-negotiable. Even if 'the invitations are in the mail' it doesn't matter. I wish you all the best!
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Do not make the mistake of marrying him before having this perfectly sorted out. He is denying there IS a problem - "you are supposedly pressuring him", so he is obviously not going to do anything about it or even acknowledge there is an issue. You on the other hand feel displeased, not happy, unwanted, and these feelings will grow in time as nothing changes. Either you will end up having an affair or the marriage will fall apart. I recommend that you don't overlook the matter, you are only young and have understandable needs. I don't know if he can come around or make an effort without pushing his limits, but this is risky if you ask me. You seem to have different sexual rhythms/drives. Has it always been this way? If not, has he been having any reasons for stress or sadness lately? Do you have any other relationship problems that might cause this... withdrawal? If not, if the situation isn't temporary and the situation doesn't get better and he keeps denying it, I'm afraid it doesn't look good to me. You can always prolongue the engagement stage a bit more until you have a clearer idea on what to do next or until you are surer of the next step.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 February 2011):
 There are many possibilities why men don't want sex. Stress, financial problems, relationship problems, low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, not being able to make you cum, worrying about future, feeling tied down, etc. I see that it's impossible to talk to him. I assume he's close to your age so that's a bad sign. You are close to him so you must get some kind of clue. Right now focus on yourself and do the things that make you feel good. Respond silence with silence. Don't get married until you are 110% this problem is resolved. When you find a guy who is consistent, who can make you scream every single time, you will never want to go back. I am a spoiled girl. I would rather be single forever if I can't find someone as good as my boyfriend if we ever breakup. My mom would say to me sex is not everything, only true love counts. She would tell me that I can forgo the sex part if the man loves me dearly. Sorry mom, it doesn't work that way for me. My relationship is great with my boyfriend because our connection is what glues us together.
...............................
|
