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male
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anonymous
writes: I love my girlfriend totally. We've been dating for 2 years and talk marriage often. She's 35 and I'm 37, so we're not kids. We are both divorced. She used to be a stripper when she was 19-22. She supported her slacker ex and paid her way through veterinary school by doing this demeaning job. Today she is an accomplished woman but I still have trouble sometimes when I think of her doing that for a living. I can't understand how the woman I met and fell in love with could have ever respected herself so little. I know it was a long time ago in a different time of life but it does bother me sometimes. Are my feelings normal and will they fade more and more as time goes by? The last thing I want to do is ever hurt her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): To be honest mate, I really think you need to get over it.
My girlfriend of 5 years has just started working as a pole dancer and I have got no problem with it whatsoever and am puzzled as to why it should even be an issue to you.
Who are you to make judgements on what she did in her past?
If you love and trust her, then you should trust in the fact that she was fully aware of what she was doing and to describe her work as "demeaning" is in itself pretty offensive as it sounds like you are trying to take some sort of moral highground over her.
Yes, as a boyfriend you have the right to be a bit protective or even jealous, but you do not have the right to cast judgement.
And at the end of the day mate - who was the one being taken advantage of, your girl earning thousands a month or the idiots paying to see her with no clothes on?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): Well if you ever date another stripper here is some advice on how to introduce her to the family
http://hubpages.com/_1pml05lnr573t/hub/How-to-make-your-stripper-girlfriend-presentable-to-your-family
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I know this is a very old post, but I'd like to add a reply for any guys who may stumble across this with the same problem. While it deals with the subject of dating a stripper or ex-stripper it doesn't directly address the original post as I'm sure that guy has dealt with his problem already.
I've dated a number of strippers, and I eventually met and ended up marrying a girl who has stripped. When I met her, I was very much into drinking and partying and I was quite frankly just looking to sleep with a hot sexy girl. I thought a stripper was just that; a hot piece of ass, nothing more, nothing less.
After a date or two I realized that this girl was actually one of the most tender, loving women I had ever met, and I quickly fell head over heels in love with her. However, as my feelings grew stronger for her, her job wore on me like it had never done before either in that relationship or in those I had with other strippers. I spoke with my girl about it on numerous occasions. I fully explained my feelings and when our relationship grew to the point that we were going to move in together, I told her that the only way our relationship could move any further was if she quit stripping. I was more than willing to work two jobs to pay our expenses if she would quit, but I simply could not get involved seriously with a girl who did that for a living.
I would suggest you do the same.
It's all good and well for women, and some men, here to argue that there's nothing wrong with stripping; that it is not degrading because they are only naked in front of customers, and that's no big deal right? But the fact is, it is in all actuality a mild form of prostitution. Stripper's dances, both stage and even more so "private" or lap dances, are done for one thing; the sexual enticement or gratification of the customers (generally men). It is NOT simply a matter of being naked in front of other people. The purpose of stripping is to make the girl a sexual object for the gratification of men, period. It's not a celebration of the female form. It's not "art". Think I'm wrong? Then explain the difference between a cabaret show, and stripping...
I liken stripping to drug use. If one sees stripping for what it is and changes their life to avoid the behavior that it brings, one CAN have a secure, functional adult relationship. However as long as they have the mental attitude that there is nothing wrong with their behavior it will end up causing problems one way or the other.
I would suggest that guys talk with their significant others and explain their feelings, but in the end stand strong and demand they quit or move on. For if you truly care about someone then their "prostitution" of themselves is going to wreck the relationship in some form, at some time. It is simply not reasonable to expect a normal male to be ok with the woman they love making themselves a sexual object for other guys.
My wife, quit stripping years ago just before we moved into together. She is since, extremely happy to have gotten out of the business when she could, and regrets the fact that she ever danced in the first place, just as I regret my former drinking and drug use. I don't hold her closeted skeletons against her and she doesn't hold mine against me. We are just in love now as we were then, and our relationship is stronger than ever. We have two young children and would both be mortified and extremely disappointed if our daughter EVER danced.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): I was a stripper for 4 years mostly off than on. I dated a guy who I was in love with and would do anything for. I never went home with customers but I did take a few regulars numbers to tell them when I would be working or if we were having any big parties at the club. I wat 18 when I met my boyfriend and he was 19 I met him and I was already dancing, I didn't hide it from him at all. When I would work he would go out partying since I would work thursday till saturday night till about 4 in the morning. The reason dancers have trust issues is because were working and your the one partying or doing whatever you want. Sure were getting paid to be naked or semi naked for men or women for money but we have bouncers at the club that watch and managers and other girls that are watching us. So really were not going to do "extra" with a customer if all were getting is 20 to 40 dollars and where I worked they take half of that so really 10-20 dollars is not even enough to pay for my fake eyelashes that I wear and have the risk of getting fired for eliciting sex. I know and have seen alot of girls fuck in strip clubs and alot of dancers getting too high or too drunk to know what is going on with them. It was a surprise to me to learn that most of the girls are on vicadon, valuim, zanax, oxy's, extacsy, add medication and so many more I don't know them because I never did them. But if you read the side affects on these drugs you would know it can impare your judegement and if you've ever seen someone drunk or on vicadon or both you know that they act stupid and do things they normally wouldn't. I had a great friend that looked amazing like christina aguilera when she was really hot only my friend had black hair and the nicest ass ever. She started dancing when I did I never got into drugs and she did she goes home with anyone for 500 dollars and gets so fucked up on pills and drinking she doesn't remember any of it. She didn't start out this way but it's so easy to get drugs in a strip club or drink and do something so stupid and the next day feel so bad that you want to get fucked up again so you don't think about it. Now this girl has a boyfriend they have been dating for 5 years and when people tell him what she does he doesn't believe them because he wants to believe she is the good girl. She's a good person but she does fucked up things and probably doesn't even know it, maybe she does. But when she is going home with so many random guys for money or doing it in the club and he wants to believe she's good what happens when and i'm sure she already has one a disease comes or she gets aids and gives it to him? I do get that it bothers people when dating a stripper but come on you know what you got yourself into. Don't play the victim role at all, if you can't support her to help her stop dancing your a loser and should shut up and let her figure it out. She doesn't need more pressure from the person she is dating to make her feel bad about her source of income. Strippers are people too with feelings just because they make it look like they are sexual and fun at work doesn't mean it doesn't mess with their head when they are there. Have you ever had a guy cum in his pants for a twenty dollar lap dance? Let me tell you it's not something that makes you feel good about yourself and it's def not something you tell your boyfriend about your day at work. Were not trying to hide anything from you but somethings just shouldn't be talked about. As for escorting i'm totally against it it's not stripping don't get the two confused. Escorts get paid to go to peoples hotel rooms and what is there really to do in a hotel room dance for them? You can get that at a strip club. I will tell you exactly what they do they fuck, jerk off the guy, do girl on girl shows, take showers with them, sometimes fetish stuff basically anything that the guy will pay for. I'm not saying every escort does that but i'm telling you 99% of them do and are you going to tell me that your girl is the 1% that isn't? Don't be stupid!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): Im a stripper, and believe me all the girls are great they have heads on there shoulders, most of my lot are putting ourselves through university, yes there is the occasional money hussling skank but hey!
Ive never felt degraded... more powerful i love dancing on the pole and i love lap dancing, i love getting to know the customers and of course the money we get and the work out. Its great to be paid to be sexy.
Alot of the girls myself included have lovers most of them are happy but theres the occasional one or two, the girls love there guys to pieces theyre always talking about them.
If you think a girl would run off with a customer your mostly wrong, thats all they are, customers. At the end of the day its a job, its not prostitution at all! more a tease!
I do it for myself ive always wanted to try stripping and pole dancing since i was a little girl and ive never had any regrets, trust your girlfriends, strippers are normal girls not monsters, they just have body confidence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): I also had a women that i dated and fell in love madly with and thought the world of her and would do anything for i bought her roses i did stuff all the time with her everything seemed perfect i even wanted to marry her and she was always secretive sometimes and one day she said her freind works as a stripper at this club and such and that she had to start working there serving drinks it crushed me and so i wanted to help her back on her feet to get her out of there helping her with bills ect. then i find out she started stipping "without telling me" that just crushed me more,i also found out that her girlfreind is a porn star and im sure she is doing same thing so i look on the internet and there she is on a porn site stipping breads bad things i believe i just dont know what to do now in love with a ho so yes i agree women strippers for girlfreinds is not a good thing! you guys have been through alot and i feel for u but wow so have i and its sucks. gluck peace.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): my girlfriend started stripping a week ago. she has never done anything even remotely like this before, but we recently moved in together and we need to pay rent. i am a hardwood floor installer and make decent money, but moving away from the city had to take a pay cut. so what do we do? christmas is a couple weeks away(our first). what could i say? shes 19, im a lot older, 33, and have made alot of mistakes. she needs to make her own, and i have to let her. it isnt the dancing, or even the lap dances that get me. its the extra stuff they have to do to make to make real tip money that bothers me. the groin rubbing on both parts, the "private rooms" really get me. in her club the guy is allowed to be nude obviously jerking off, and the only money she makes is off tips. the house takes the set amounts. the girls tell her that its where they make all their money. well i wonder why? i dont want to think about what else goes on in there. she hasnt done any yet, but im sure the club will be pressuring her to do some soon.that is where they make all their money off the girls.what is up with there not being a set price for lap dances? its up to the customer. she said she averages around $3 a dance. that sucks and kind of forces her to do the private stuff to make any decent money doing that. she is going to a bigger club tomorrow so i hope the audition goes well and that its a better atmosphere for her. any advice on how i should deal with this would be appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): listen i feel for you , i also am dating a striper,i have many issues that i cant deal with /to start when we started dating i new she had stripped in the past,but had put her self through school and was making great money as a nurse but then decided to go back to school to get a beter job, so she went part time at her job,then out of the blue she quit her part time job and now is back at the club dancing again,let me fill u in she is 37 hot as they get ,she has 2 kids 14/18 and and worries about not being there for them so here i sit shes gone 2 nights a week dancing 2 full days a week at school ! that leaves me alone,thinking about what goes on when shes gone ? any takers on advice ? email me at [email address blocked]
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): I am also dating a striper now.... I love the girl to death..... It took me sometime to relize that she loves me and she comes home to me every night. In my relationship started as me not trusting her and now every time she works at the club she gets mad calls me accuses me of cheating on her and says that i hold her past against her.. She will say she wants to break up with me and many other hurtful things.... u know saying she will get drunk and could have got some other guys number but she did not and we talk things though and she does it again. i feel like a prisioner. I thought i should be the one with trust issues.... whats going on here?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2005): Mate, i'm dating a stripper right now. I see she is the most worthwhile girl but just in the wrong association and occupation. I told her if you want to see me again you have to stop doing what you're doing.
I'de say for you you have to see how she feels about her past and judge her and your relationship with her based on that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2005): Just accept her as is and put any moral indignations you have about this, out of your head for good. Being honest with someone you love is a very important relationship skill. It fosters trust, loyalty and respect. You have an incredible, intelligent woman there, who against some big odds...educated herself and attained a respectable, admirable way of life and a college educated career. Yes, she made some blunders along the way (don't we all?) but she went against some harsh odds-regained her footing in life and charged ahead. I would think, you should feel gracious, honored and happy that you have this amazing woman in your life. Just decide what is really important and make it your life. And if she is the most important person in your life, then bury her past and move forward.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2005): Actually, perhaps you don't deserve her. You make the assumption that strippers don't "respect themselves" when the exact opposite is true. We have the utmost respect for our bodies and the power we have. If you can't deal with it, perhaps you should find a woman who is less comfortable with her body. I agree with those who've suggested you have a double standard.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): I think the key is how long she was a stripper for. Was this 4 weeks and she got out, or a couple of years. Strippers have a money hussling mindset which is very unattractive.
At this point the only reason to dump her was if she still showed signs of the mercenary stipper mentality. Are you supporting her? Is she profiting by your relationship monetarily? If so worry, if not let it go...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): I agree with you guy. This woman you put up on a pedestal is climbed down. Stripping is giving someone sexual pleasure for money. It is not respectable. It is very close to prostitution. but, that is not the person you know now. you have known her for a long time and just recently found out. she thinks you can handle it. and she is ashamed. is she wasnt ashamed you would have known a long time ago. have you ever been to a strip club? if so, and you dump her, you would be a hypocrite. all the women at the places have a mother and a father that love them. most of those women will have a husband in the future that love them, and most will have children that will love them. she made a mistake. you cant unring a bell. the reason it bothers you so much is because you carea bout her so much.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): end the raltionship before this consumes you.
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female
reader, Belle +, writes (11 November 2005):
I guess you need to focus on 'WAS'
We all have skeletons, we've all done things our partners wouldn't be too proud about if they knew!!
I'm sure you too have skeletons, and the fact that she had told you, shows how much confidence and trust she has with you!
I understand how you see it as not respecting herself. But on the other side, it's a body, it ours to use in any which way we choose. The facat is that a stripper takes her clothes off, we all take our clothes off all the time!! It just shows that she isn't ashamed of her body! and she sounds like a highly intelligent woman to me, for really she gave nothing of herself, and managed to get herself through school!!!
Good luck!
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female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (11 November 2005):
 This is definitely normal for a guy, I think most boyfriends would feel this way about loved ones when they think of them showing their bodies to other men for money.
But I think you need to chill out. This is the 21st century and there is nothing wrong with showing off an amazing body and getting paid for it too! If you're proud of it, why not show it off to people who want to see it? I just don't see the problem, I can't see why she was disrespecting herself. It's not as if she was a hooker or anything, is it?
I appreciate the way you feel but this was a long time ago. Just chill out and think of the person you fell in love with, not the past. Good luck
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female
reader, BelieveInLove555 +, writes (11 November 2005):
I can see how this would bother you. Sometimes there are deal breakers in relationships, this may be one of them for you. I can say "if you love her this won't matter" until I'm blue in the face, but you already know that, don't you? It doesn't make it any less true, however. You're going to have to let go of this or you're going to ultimately drive the relationship into the ground. Men have this crazy little cute thing that they don't want to think about their girl with anyone else. You like to think that all the women in your life were untouched before you. I suggest you work on resolving this issue before you get married and especially before kids come along. I had a major problem with my boyfriend having 3 seconds of sex with the worst, and I'm talking bad worst, possible person on a drunken night. Everyone has skeletons, I happened to know his. One day I couldn't stand the thought of it anymore and I yelled out "how could you have slept with her?" Trust me, he wasn't so nice to me about it. Lots of defenses came up as I am sure it would with her. He wasn't proud of it and I'm sure your girl isn't proud of it either. So try your hardest to remember that both of you had a life before you met each other and let this stay in the past, unless you want her to become a girl you used to know instead of your bride.
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female
reader, missbunbury +, writes (11 November 2005):
 I think your feelings are normal, in that a lot of men would have similar feelings in this situation. However, it would be a horrible shame for this to get in the way of your relationship, so you need to find a way of thinking about this issue that will allow you to get a bit of perspective. Obviously, there's absolutely nothing you can do to change the past, so the only way forward is to deal with these feelings and move on from there.
You say "it does bother me sometimes" - I'd be interested to know more about how it bothers you. Is it that you are actually imagining what she did, and picturing men leering over your girlfriend? Is it the thought that other people might think less of her (or of you) if they knew about this? Or is it that you've been brought up to think nice girls don't do that sort of thing? I suspect a combination of all three, but they are all dealable-with. You obviously love this woman a lot, and if you really want to stop these feelings, you can.
You also seem to have a problem with the idea that "the woman I met and fell in love with could have ever respected herself so little" - I would suggest you try thinking about this differently too. This woman had enough self-respect that she was able to survive in a horrible seedy world for long enough to get what she wanted (i.e. a degree) and she then had enough self-respect to get herself out of that world. This, I think, is something to be admired - think about all the women out there who get stuck in that world and wind up sad lonely old women. Your girlfriend rejected that future for herself, and got rid of one of the factors that was pushing her towards that future - her ex. You should applaud her for this, and be thankful that her strength has given you two the opportunity to meet and fall in love.
I have every confidence that you will be able to get over this worry, as you sound intelligent and loving. The more time you two spend together, and the closer you get, the more you'll find this problem goes out of your mind. In the meantime, I do have one cautionary bit of advice - if you and your girlfriend argue at any point, it would be a really bad idea to let yourself throw this at her. When we're angry, we often want to say hurtful things, and your girlfriend's past probably means she would be vulnerable to being badly upset if you were ever to give her the impression that you respect her less because of what she did. I know this isn't the case, but you need to make sure she knows this also, even if things aren't all peachy all the time.
So in conclusion: do your best to rid yourself of these unhelpful feelings, but don't let yourself get so wound up that it ends up causing a problem. Show your girlfriend how much you love and respect her, and accept that we all have irrational thoughts sometimes and that the best way to stop these thoughts from hurting us is to ignore them.
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female
reader, Saz +, writes (11 November 2005):
Everyone has has a past,ok, so she was a stripper,i am sure you have known this for a while now.If she no longer does this job why are you letting it bother you,she has put it all behind her and if you love her as much as you say you do then i think you should forget about it and put it in the past where it belongs.Just continue to look forward to a bright and happy future together.Good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): What do you mean, " Respected herself so little". Where does that come from? Stripping can be a very honest profession and make a woman a lot of money when she needs it most. Most strippers( or exotic dancers- there is a difference) have regular boyfriends, or husbands, and they don't cheat on their man. They consider themselves actresses, whose job is to turn on the customers, flirt with them, show them as little as possible and take as much money from them in tips as they can get. It is a hard life, because they have to be in great physical shape. Most of those " Strippers " you refer to could run you into the ground, fellow. You are the one with the problem. If you are smart, you will get some professional help, and never say anything about this to your wife. She doesn't need someone in her life now who is going to go weird on her about something that happened in her past, when she didn't even know you! She is what she learned to be. If she is attractive, competent as a lover, and sexy to you, be proud that she learned from her experiences, good and bad, to be the woman she now is. And be proud she agreed to make you part of her life. What she did for a living back then she could wash off at the end of the night, and be as fresh the next day as she was the day before. She may not like all men, and she may be less trusting of men, and more able to read men than other women her own age, but she chose you. If you can't accept that, please leave her now, and give her the chance to find someone who does appreciate her. Get your head fixed, before you do hurt her. I think you are crazy to even be thinking about her past! Do you think you are the only man who has married a woman who has a past? And what about you? Were you a virgin or something when you met and married your wife?If not, why the double standard?
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