A
female
age
36-40,
*oodleness
writes:This is so confusing.I've been with my boyfriend now for 7 months, and he is wonderful. I'm 23, he's 31 but that bares no relevance to us as a couple, apart from when the past gets brought up.My last boyfriend I was with for 4 years, and it was a nightmare, it was full of bitterness and anger, paranoia and resentment. We never went out, he never worked and he crossed so many boundaries, in my opinion. I was quite emotionally battered by the end of it. He used to go on chat rooms and speak to girls, go on webcam with them and have secret email addresses. When I found out he complained that I had invaided his priavcy and I always ended up apologising. My new boyfriend is not like that, I'm sure of it. He's got morals and standards, and I'm fairly confident he's never cheated, he's only had two big relationships (one for 6 years, one for 4), but I just cant get over my paranoia and insecurity. Last night I logged on to his facebook, totally unprovoked and without his permission (he doesnt know I know his password) and got so upset by what I found, even though there was NOTHING from since we've been together.When he was with his last girlfriend (the 4year ex), I could see he met up with one girl he was with for about 8 months, and there were lots of messages going back and fourth between his first girlfriend (the 6 year ex), mostly full of nostalgia and friendly messages about meeting up. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have told the girl he was with at the time about this. There was one message I couldn't read, but the line I saw said "I couldn't if I tried, if you had said that yesturday it might be different..." but when I clicked onto the message a blank came up. I'm not stupid, I know it could be totally innocent, and probably is, but for some reason my brain goes into overdrive and I get obsessed with the idea he still loves his exes.Like I said, none of these messages were while he's been with me, but it makes me sad. It makes me feel like he's not the moral, noble, trustworthy person I've fallen in love with.I'm more annoyed at myself, I hate myself for invaiding his privacy (whereas with my ex I did it without a care in the world). I feel paranoid and now, I'm thinking, I'm second best. Nothing he's ever said or done would confirm this, he dotes on me, is proud to take me out with his friends and family, and has recently taken two jobs so he can pay off some debts and we can move in together.I know this doesnt make sense, and I know I'm in a blurry, insecurity fog, but I cant seem to find a way out of it. I dont want to look at his facebook or go behind his back, he doesnt deserve it and I can't go through it again, but I have a sneaky suspision I will do it again, and the more I do it, the worse I'll feel.I dont think I can talk to him about it either because it will ruin us, and although I know he'll talk reasonably and be understanding, I dont think I can also face the humiliation of letting him see the monster that is - my bullshit. I just want to get over these feelings, it's obviously connected to what I went through with my ex, but my current boyfriend knows all about this and completely understands why I feel paranoid or why I get uncomfortable with technological secrecey. We can talk openly and honestly. His actions speaks volumes, he always calls or texts when he says he will, makes an effort with my friends and family, is very affectionate, kind, loving and thoughtful. He swears he's been totally honest with me, loves me and has nothing to hide. Why can't I just believe him?Sorry it's so long, I didnt think it would be but I obviously had a lot to say! Thank you for reading. xxx
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chat room, debt, facebook, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): You can't believe him because you're stuck in the past.
Seriously you're stuck in your past, still stung by your last relationship and you're stuck in his past now because you decided to immerse yourself in the world of his exes by reading his discussions with them.
You were a fool to do that by the way. If you want to check up on him, then only look at the stuff that's relevant to your time with him. By looking at his past romances you've made yourself retro-jealous and started to question his integrity even though he's done nothing wrong.
You need to let go of the past, his and especially yours. If you don't then you risk everything with this guy and from what you've said he's a gentleman. Believe in yourself, believe in him and believe in this relationship.
You can't spend your time worrying about things that might never happen or you'll just ruin and otherwise good relationship.
Relax and let go of the past, focus on the now and making life as fun as possible for you both. There really is nothing to worry about.
A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 You can't believe him now because your relationship now sounds too good to be true. You should treat this new relationship this person as a brand new start. You need to be able to control yourself from going onto his facebook. He isn't your ex. Keep in mind that no one is perfect. If you keep looking with scrutiny, you will find something.
To be honest, i was the same like you. I went onto my ex's emails and facebook. He never cheated on me, but i just needed reasurrance that he definitely wasn't. The more i did, the less trusting of his words i became. You need to build trust with your current boyfriend. If you feel deep inside your heart that he is cheating on you, then go and log into his accounts. But otherwise don't. You need self control.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 You're giving yourself a whole lot of grief and trouble, and it's of your own making. You know that, don't you?
First you need to try to forgive yourself for having looked at his facebook. Second, you have to keep telling yourself there is no reason for all the insecurity and fear in your current relationship. You know it stems from your previous boyfriend. Third, you must have a resolve of steel to stay away from his private material from this moment on. Literally, don't go there.
And no, you cannot tell him what you did. It might relieve your conscience, but he might well find it very troubling.
You have "confessed" to us what you did; we forgive you. You might want to talk to a close friend or advisor to help you in dealing with your fears and insecurities.....you might also keep reminding yourself that your "bullshit" is coming from your feelings, and are not real in connection with your current boyfriend.....
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