A
female
age
,
*ongoboiler
writes:I'm 49 and I can't believe I've allowed myself to be put in this position.I've been seeing a guy and it's been like fireworks. Thrilling every time. Now, after telling me he loves getting my messages and texts (some quite racy)...he hasn't replied at all.I've even said quite calmly and kindly that if he would rather not continue, then I understand, there's no and it's ok. I was just trying to set his mind at rest if he's worried I'll fall in love too quickly or try to possess him..I don't know. it's the silence that hurts really. It's making me feel under valued, tearful and disrespected. I haven't felt this sad or hurt in ages and I just don't know what to do. He was so nice and he just seems to have run away . I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (10 November 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell Aunty Em...of course you are right..unfortunately for me...I have reached that low place that you are talking about.....yes I have had enough...no, I will NEVER beg,,,,been there before..in fact, at least I have learned NOT to give him the luxury of knowing how much his disdain has hurt me...I went out tonight after drinking myself into a humiliating stuper....I hit rock bottom...and now I really don't want to even speak or message him...for me, it's over.....I let him have too much power over me and he took advantage of it....I've walked round my village in the early hours of the morning weeping my heart out...now, I'm gathering myself, remebering who I AM, and by reading all the supportive messages here, I hope to muster enough strength to get me through this and back on track....I feel a bit stupid, but determined to feel different...I'm NOT going to call or text him anymore...and when he comes bleating...and he WILL....I won't be interested OR available for comment....thank you ALL for your input and support xxxxxx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 One day you will have enough of being treated like this by this man...maybe no time soon but one day you will realise that he is using you, using you, using you...and then using you again.
Just how high are you prepared to jump to get his attention, just how many 'sweet' messages are you prepared to send and when will those messages turn into begging, when he stops calling and you get in deeper and deeper...SOVERY is right...he ownes your butt now and he can give as little attention as he likes because he knows you cannot stay away and will never say no...how perfect for him...no strings sex on tap and no requirement to give anything back.
I can see you are in deep and you will continue to let him come around but one day it's gonna get old...real old...and you will be older and feeling even more isolated by his behaviour. I guess it's just time that will get you out of this situation because none of us here can convince you right now.
Good luck.x
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (9 November 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey that hurt to read but I agree with most of it...it's hard when it's you in the situation..that's why I need advice from others I guess..The reason I want to stay friends is he is in my village and comes into the ONLY bar there. We both frequent it and I actually liked having him as a friend...part of me regrets getting involved sexually with him...feel sad and I still haven't heard back..guess he wants to keep me dangling on a string til he needs to get laid...yeah, I know, you're right... :( ..thanks all the same
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 POO is right OP…. “we had a great time” does that mean “we had sex”? because if you had sex with him, you are in for the roller coaster ride of a lifetime. As my husband said to me 2 years ago when I offered him a NSA/FWB relationship “why would a single guy turn down free sex?”
“a sweet but humorous message” about how it’s OK if he doesn’t want to continue seeing you but you don’t want to lose him as a friend… NOT GOOD. HE KNOWS HE OWNS YOUR ASS dear one.
STOP rowing this boat. WHY is it up to HIM to decide what HE wants for the relationship and for you to accept his crumbs?
Being with him makes you feel “hurt and disregarded” He won’t tell you he wants to stop.
IF you are having sex with him, he will not contact you till he wants to get laid, and then it will be all hearts and flowers and apologies about how sorry he is that he has been out of touch but “life’s busy” etc.
A MAN who is into a woman will be in touch regularly. A man who likes you makes time for you. Percy Sledge said it all “when a man loves a woman… “ truer words were never sung. He will turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down, he’ll give his soul and every penny he has for her….
Sleeping with him will not bring him closer to you. So if you want to SEE him that’s fine. Get a locking chastity belt and give your best friend the key… DO NOT HAVE SEX with this man.
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (9 November 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh POO!! well, I let him back in..we had a great time together but he's doing the no reply to texts thing again...I've never nagged him about it although I don't want to be a doormat either!I left a sweet but humorous message on his voice mail last night saying that it's ok if he doesn't want to continue seeing me and that I'm not afraid of that and that , above all, I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend. I said that he could always tell me if he wanted to stop. I teased him a bit, telling him that I had a sexy surprise for him last night and I wished he'd seen it and that I miss him a little but that I understand he's busy but that I'd love to hear from him, whatever he's decided about us....I did this because I was starting to really hurt and feel disregarded...I guess I just have to resign myself to the fact that he may come back and tell me he wants to stop...but at least I'd know and he knows he could tell me without there being a big drama....by telling him he can go if he wants...I hope he'll see that I'm an OK person...I hope a little that this will make him think again about me...but..I know that I can't MAKE someone want me...Life is a bitch..I really like him.He knows that, but I'm not into the playing hard to get game.... :( .. would welcome some opinions xxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 October 2012):
Awww I am so happy for you...the power of prayer can never be underestimated xxxxx
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (25 October 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your encouragement....how strange life is eh?.....well, I'm not religious, but I passed a church today and nearly didn't go in....I did an "about face" and walked in..I said to whoever I thought mught be there...PLEASE BRING HIM TO ME"....LO AND BEHOLD,,a few hours later, we bumped into eachother,,,I kept my distance but said hello as usual....eventually, he came over and asked me how my weekend was (I played a concert)...we chatted in a very relaxed way and I found the courage to say...may we talk somewhere in private?..he said...yes of course whenever you want....we met and walked through a vineyard together and I explained that I didn't want to rush anything but his silence had hurt me and had made me feel like a piece of disposable meat...he apologised for being so elusive and I did too for sending so many texts..we've agreed to see each other and that we both want to...at least I FEEL THAT we are on an even keel now and that he's not treating me like a fool..he said that he knows that I am a woman who thinks and not a bimbo..thank you for all your support and advice....watch this space ...much love, luck and peace to you all xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 October 2012):
I am assuming he didn't reply to the text?
Delete his number if you think you will be tempted again.
You just need a little more time to get over your feelings. I know it doesn't seem possible at the moment as sadness is a heavy coat to wear and texting and thinking about him all the time will just add 'rocks to your pockets'. Do things that will distract you, phone a friend or clean out the cupboards...anything that will stop you thinking.
As for acting upbeat if you see him again, thats not a bad idea but try to avoid going to places he goes for a while so you dont keep hurting yourself with longing for him.
Just give yourself more time, it will pass.
xx
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (25 October 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, some days have now passed and I weakened yesterday...I sent a little text saying "Just a little thought of you. I hope that you are well :-) kiss" ....I suppose I just wanted him to know that I'm not waiting to tear him off a strip when I finally bump into him in the local bar. I am struggling to remain upbeat but I know that's how I need to be when I do eventually see him......but my heart is heavy and I'm SO upset at not hearing from him. I DO know he's busy, but I alos know that if he wanted to, he'd contact me...and that really hurts...Thanks for your previous comments...I just don't know how to get through this...
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (22 October 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone...good to have a guy's perspective....
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A
male
reader, StupidnTexas +, writes (22 October 2012):
As a guy who has done some pretty stupid things for love, I understand. Not trying to justify what he did. Just that even though we (men) do stupid things it may be related to him being scared. I kind of felt the same way recently. Unfortunately my reaction was poor. I think giving a second or third chance is a good idea in the event it was because he was scared. I know in my case I ran away from the best thing I ever had by blurting out it was over without thinking. For me it was like a dream. I never intended to do that it just happened and I was left wondering what the hell just happened. I was given a second chance before. Unfortunately I blew that also by being to afraid to ask for forgiveness. I'm not sure about the guy that did this to you but I know I regret what I did to her. Now I'm sitting here to afraid to ask for forgiveness and miserable.
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (22 October 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous reader...very kind and wise words..obviously from bitter experience!.actually from everyone...it's strange actually, I read somewhere that this kind of silent treatment is very controlling, passive/aggressive emotional abuse..someone trying to get attention for taking the reigns of the communication pace between 2 people...I am in danger of being drawn in by abusive people as I was abused when I was young...sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it...maybe I have had a lucky escape from him...i appreciate all your empathy...
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A
female
reader, Nats44 +, writes (22 October 2012):
Hi. Try to ride the wave of pain,as it will pass with time. He may just contact you out of the blue,but by then, hopefully,you will be strong enough to deal with it. Don.t push him for answers. You.re silence speaks volumes. See your freinds,and family,and try your hardest to keep busy. I mean,do you really want a guy that hasn.t acknowleged you? With time,you will heal. Good luck,and I wish you happiness. X
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
people do not like ending things.... they feel like failures.
truth is you are not a victim here nor are you at his whim.
You can take control. YOU can end it. and then block him and be done with it... and move on...
we as women tend to think it's totally up to the man if we have contact but that's just not true.
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (22 October 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's really hard because I'm not really fine with him gone but if he's being so "cloak and dagger" about why he's not contacting me to even end it, telling him I don't want it over so quickly is just going to make me look desperate and clingy isn't it? I just don't know which way to turn. It's making me so unhappy
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
Ah I see from your follow up you are fine with him being gone you just don't like the "not knowing"
well you know.... his actions are telling you.
over and done...
treat it that way... but then when he does come back to you you must not get all giddy...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): I'm so sorry; this has happened to me before and it's the worst feeling. You are left not knowing what happened, what you did (nothing probably) and it leaves you feeling emotionally very vulnerable, upset, hurt, angry. The temptation is to push him for answers, which I have been so guilty of in the past. I tell myself I have a right to know (which I think you do actually) and then they run away even further, you dignity and self respect diminishing by the second. I don't know why men do this. It is so much better to be honest. But I fear that cowardice has a lot to do with it. men can't really articulate their emotions as well as women can. It is much easier to run away. I know it hurts now; you emotionally invested in this man and thought that maybe there was some kind of future in it. Perhaps he got cold feet; perhaps he is married; perhaps he just wanted a casual fling and nothing more; perhaps there's a reasonable explanation; perhaps you'll never know. Truth is, when something is right between two people it just falls into place, no need for guessing games, push and pull and all that emotionally exhausting nonsense that sends you mad and makes you unhappy. Ask yourself how would you feel now if he got in touch? Would you feel the same about him? Or would you always worry that he would disappear on you again? You have asked him a direct question; one that requested an answer he has, for whatever reason decided not to give you, at least for now. However lovely he is, this is unfair and hurtful, and I'm sure he knows that deep down. Try not to contact him again. You'll only stress waiting for a reply and put yourself through more unnecessary pain, believe me, I have been there. Remind yourself of who you are; what makes you special; how loved and respected you are by those who know an care about you. Don't allow him to erode your self-worth because he might be a coward. If this is the case he does not deserve you and you've had a lucky escape. Stay busy. It's the only way. And what I do know is this; te feeling will pass. Love and relationships are a lottery. We have to take a gamble to put ourselves out there. If you are fragile it is difficult, so work on being strong in yourself. No one can take that away from you. All the best.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
How long have you been seeing this guy? Because if it’s only been a short time, you are experiencing the flash, crash and burn syndrome. So often men (more so than women) start out like GANGBUSTERS… and go a few weeks or even a few months all HOT and HEAVY and full steam ahead… then reality hits and they get scared or realize they have made a goof and they pull back… But then the woman is already “trapped” and feeling the love and she PUSHES him to figure out “what’s wrong” when often nothing is wrong… it’s just the guy trying to regroup.
Now the problem is with this, you don’t know if he will come back and start again (in which case controlling the speed is up to you and I’d go a bit slower) or if he’s scared himself too much and won’t come back. This part is a waiting game. And only YOU can decide how long to wait… Me if I was hot and heavy with a guy and he went a week without contact, I’d be like “next”.
Should he contact you in 2-5 weeks time and you have not totally moved on and you wish to give him a chance, I’d let him truly court you… the old rules
1. He can ask you out no later than Wednesday for Saturday night
2. He has to pick you up and take you somewhere nice and make an effort: well groomed, properly dressed, drop a little cash….
3. NO SEX the first couple of “new dates”
BUT do not sit around and wait for him… have your life, if he manages to fit in if and when he comes back, great… If not HIS LOSS.
For the next fellow… do not let the thrill cloud the judgment… give him the “ju-jubee treatment”… dole out your attentions in small doses.. make him “work” for your company a bit.
I thought all of this as game playing… truly.. until I experienced this phenomenon myself. I met my now husband when I was still married to my ex husband… we were long distance so we had very little time together… and he was a little something something on the side… I didn’t CARE if he loved me or wanted to spend his life with me… and I behaved as such… he picked up on the fact that there was NO PRESSURE to be all that he could be.. that he was just fun and games….. within 4 months of starting fun and games… he fell in love… and we talked about it…. And he said “there was no pressure… if you had WANTED me to be your bf it never would have happened…
And sadly that’s how it often goes… it’s the NOT wanting that frees us up to find it…
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A
female
reader, bongoboiler +, writes (22 October 2012):
bongoboiler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your opinion and kind advice...I haven't been seeing him intimately for long..he's in my village and I have to see him drive past occasionally on his way to work...I really like him but i don't like this treatment at all...It's not like I've been clingy, I've even given him this option to call it a day and reassured him that would be fine, but that I'd like to at least KNOW if that's his decision. He's going to crop up in the local bar at some point and it's going to be so hard not to go up and say...why couldn't you at least tell me you've grown tired of it?..but I don't want to appear desperate..but it's killing me not knowing why he felt he couldn't even respond to the get out option either! I'm going to try to find the strength to get on with my life but it really hurts to be regarded as so disposable
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 October 2012):
It's rather rude of him not to reply and to suddenly drop you, but some people, however nice they are at first, are just like this.
How long had you known him? Did you ever go to his home or meet any of his friends and family?
It's possible that if you had only known him a short while and never saw where he lived, that he might have been married?
However short or long the union, it's still upsetting to be dropped when you felt a connection.
Men tend to rush in spouting love and lust and regret it later, women tend to hold back and wait to be lead before they invest any feelings...but when they do invest, those feelings are deep and real. If you are being lead by a guy whose all over you and keen as mustard, it's hard not to go with it and feel wanted...then BANG, suddenly the door is closed without warning and you are left wondering why.
As annoying as it is, it's best just to withdraw and get on with your life. It's so much harder for women past 40 to date, so any opportunity is cherished and that can leave you open to chancers and players...
So what's a girl to do?
Move on, enjoy your single life, and keep searching for Mr Right if that is what your heart desires.
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