A
female
age
36-40,
*laire11
writes:Hi everyoneI need some advice regarding my son. He is 6 and he's very bright.His dad has never been present in his life, he's never met him. He decided when I was pregnant that he had no interest and has remained the same, despite all my efforts.The thing is, my son is old enough now to understand about mums and dads, and he has been asking a lot about his dad recently. I answer his questions the best I can, I'm as honest as I can be without upsetting him and I try to tell him in a way that he understands.But I know he is really missing a father-son relationship, even though he's never had one. He sees what his friends have and he wants it.I try my hardest to be both mum and dad but i'm finding it so hard, and I feel so guilty that his dad isn't there for him.I've made it worse for him as well because I've just broken up with my partner of one year who my son had built up a relationship with, he wanted him to be his dad. And now of course he has no responsibility for my son and I can't ask him to remain a part of his life. It will upset my son so much when I have to tell him we won't be seeing him anymore.I don't know what to do. I would just like some ideas/advice on how I can make things easier for my son, because I don't think his dad will ever be a part of his life.Any advice would be so helpful, I love my son so much and I don't want him to hurt or feel like he's not loved by his father, but at the same time I don't want him to waste his time hoping his dad will come and scoop him up one day.I'm grateful for any advice/ideas.Thank you so much. Reply to this Question
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reader, Claire11 +, writes (22 October 2012):
Claire11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your answers, all of which helped in some way, unfortunately I don't have too many men in my family but he does have a male teacher and he attends swimming classes which are ran by a man so there is male contact there, thanks.I have to thank Cerberus massively though. Everything you said made sense to me and knowing you are saying that after going through growing up without a father yourself, really made me realise that it's not the end of the world, and may even be a good thing. Maybe I am enough.Thank you so much for taking the time and effort, it does mean a great deal :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): My parents divorced when I was baby and I had no contact or nothing from my father until I decided to seek him out when I was 21. OP with all due respect you're transplanting your worries onto him, he's 6, he doesn't know any better and he doesn't give a damn. Seriously, I was that little kid. He's not sad because he doesn't have a dad, he's not missing out, he's just curious with zero emotion attached to it other than "why do they have and I don't?" in the same sense as "why does that kid have red hair and I have black?"
Look you're a mom, mom's worry and do so for a reason, but I'm telling you as a kid that grew up in the same situation it doesn't matter a damn, you never miss something you never had and frankly you're over selling the idea of having a father and under selling your importance as a mother. OP I can't tell you how important a good mother is to any man, but a single mother and only parent to a boy is a god, trust me and it's all we need, especially if you're the affectionate type that will happily spend an evening holding him on your lap and giving plenty of kisses and hugs, such simple little things but have an unbelievably profound effect especially when it's between a boy and his mother as only parent. You're more than enough for him OP. Those precious times you share, embracing watching TV, having to carry him to bed because he fell asleep, no father can replicate that closeness or importance. I mean at your age you know what "mommy issues" is and you know how bad a poor relationship with a mother can be to a boy or either parent really. You have a massive benefit of not having to worry about his relationship with a father, you're queen of that household, you get to be the one who makes all the decisions and raise him really well with no interference. You know what's funny I obviously asked all those same questions to my mother growing up and I have no idea what my mother's answers were, I really can't remember because it was never that important to me.
As for the break up, treat it casually OP like he's not going to see a friend he made at school anymore. He'll get over it depending on how you treat it. So treat it with a tinge of sadness at the loss but life goes on kind of way. My mom had boyfriends too, I was bit sad when they went but got over them very quickly because guess who the main guy in my mom's life was and the one who she turned to for comfort when she was sad? Yeah, me. I could always tell and I would always try to comfort her, you know how it works. I always got that extra little of attention, affection too, I was always okay because I had my mom and we were in everything together and nothing else really mattered people come and go.
I will say though OP, my mom had one boyfriend who she was on/off with for a while and that was shit. If this guy is gone, then let him be gone. Frankly having to deal with losing a guy I was fond of over and over was more than a bit shit and no matter how hard she tried to be covert and protect me from that it never worked, she was my world so I had to live in the emotional turmoil of that on/off crap too. That's the only advice I can give you really in terms of relationships, you have to be a lot more cut-throat and selective, you know all this I'd say but you really can't afford to be a love sick idiot, you can't afford to think only of what your heart wants in the respect of trying to make failed relationships work. If you think a guy is bad for you then no matter how much you yearn for him you have to be able to let go. But then again they're not as important as you think, no matter what you do in this sense he'll always react to how you deal with things and will learn how life works through imitation of you.
Break ups happen OP, it's part of life, how you deal with them will teach him all he needs to know about how to, so just deal with them well by example.
Have you seen The Crow? Well there's a great quote in that movie I'll always remember "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children." So true, don't listen to anyone or anything that tells you kids need a father figure, don't ever let anyone undersell you that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): This is all in your head and if you keep projecting it onto your son, he will think the same thing. He's in the big world now and yes, he is seeing lots of things he never knew about or understood. There are all kinds of families and many of them are single parent families. It doesn't make any difference and as long as you raise him to be an adult, teach him to be the best he can be, responsibility, to be independent, do his best in school and to go to college and get a good degree, how to treat others and himself with dignity and respect, value what he has and learn to save/manage money, etc., he will grow up just like any other kid who lives in a family with similar values.Sure, there are times (many) in a boy's life (and a girl), that having a father role model can come in handy, but a role model can come in many ways... a teacher, a friend's father, a relative, a coach ... and they will find him, you will see. And possibly a man in your life when the time is right, but please do NOT search for a man that will be a father to your son. It should be a natural process and it just happens if it's the right man.And don't fall into the trap of compensating your "guilt" with material items and give your son every little thing he wants and what "all the other kids have". Teach him the value of a dollar, and how much something is worth and worth to him. Teach him to be a participating member of the household. This is coming from a Mom who unfortunately split from my husband when my second child was only three months old and my oldest was 2.5 years old. He chose not to be in the kid's lives either. It was not a cake walk and we all had ups and downs. I remember when it all made sense and clicked for me. My oldest was in third grade, and there was still a stigma attached to single parents...anyway, at a parent/teacher conference, we are talking and some comment came up, and the teacher looked shocked but pleased...the words she said have stuck with me all this time. She said, "I had no idea your children came from a single parent home... I learn these things quickly, and I honestly had no idea". As a teacher, I get it because we learn far more personal family information then we should. Anyway, this teacher did not need to tell me this, and it certainly wasn't a "secret", but it felt good to get the validation. It let me know I really was doing a good job with my kids so far.They are both now a junior and freshman in college. We made it through the rain and they are doing just fine.... without their dad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): He will just be like a fair few of his friends.I got my son into sport to have lads and men around,it worked.You have to get male relatives to help out too,your dad,uncles,cousins.Does his dads family stay in contact,he has a Grandad etc on that side too?
He knows your there and always will be so your his rock.Its a pity it didnt work out with your boyfriend which is why its important to not let your son get attached.But as I said,your his rock.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Where is your dad? Do you have any brothers or uncles that could be the male role?
IF not, well then here we have something called Big Brothers and Big Sisters... they are organizations that pair an adult with a child of the same sex for role modeling...
Many kids grow up in single mom homes and do just fine... they take their cues from the parent... so if you stop pretending like things are tragic that his dad is not around he will accept that's the way it is....
It's not like the 60s or 70s when single moms were scarce... now it's all too common...
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