A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 27 year old female married for a year now. I ve known my husband for 6 years now, since the last yearof college. Prior to that I was in a relationship with a very wonderful guy in college for 3 years and due to faults and mistakes which I am entirely to blame for,I left him for my husband. The relationship with my husband has always been a long distance one after college and he was abroad in a different country for work for a good 2 years. We used to stay in touch through phone calls and emails. 3 years back I cheated on my husband (then just my boyfriend) with a different guy and mentioned this to him after we were married. He let it go and requested me to never think of this again and said we could still try and be happy. I was determined to make the effort. My problem is I ve never been completely into this relationship with my husband since my college days and it was a rash decision made on frustration to leave my boyfriend of 3 years. So over these last 6 years I have always been thinking of my previous boyfriend and miss him a lot. I am unable to over come thoughts of him at every stage in life and even after marriage and I truly belive my happiness lies with him. My previous boyfriend ( from college) is in contact with me as a very good friend and advises me to try even harder to forget the past. My husband is a very great guy and any woman would be lucky to have someone like him.Now what do I do, I have tried for 6 years now and though I respect and feel grateful for my husband, I have always had issues with him partly because I was never truly in love with him. I am even thinking I cheated on him 3 years back with another guy, to just escape being trapped in this relationship where I clearly love and want to be with my previous boyfriend from college. I have not been able to make things right for 6 years now, will I ever be able to for the rest of my life? Is it right to carry on like this and not be able to give a 100% to my marriage? Is it better I left my husband as we have been married only for a year now and go back to the man I love truly and hope that my deserving husband will have a better life with another person after my divorce? I dont want to hurt him again than I already have but I am done living a life of guilt and gratitude towards my husband.I am aware all these issues would have been solved had I told these to my husband before the wedding which happenned a year ago, but at that point I was too confused and guilty for having cheated on him and felt the safest thing to do was get married to him. I was also too scared to hurt him as he was away from home on work and had only come back for the marriage. Please advise.
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cheated on my husband, divorce, long distance, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, applez  +, writes (4 March 2008):
I have not been able to make things right for 6 years now; will I ever be able to for the rest of my life?
(Where there is a will there is a way ... there are two things in life ... do what is good for you ... or do what you like …)
Is it right to carry on like this and not be able to give a 100% to my marriage?
( itzz not .. itzz high time that you get rid of all these thoughts out of head and lead a happy life ..)
Is it better I left my husband as we have been married only for a year now and go back to the man I love truly and hope that my deserving husband will have a better life with another person after my divorce?
( I don’t think life will be a bed of roses even if this happens. There is no guarantee that u’r husband will get someone he deserves.. then will you still live in guilt for making him a loner… and do you think your boy friend will agree for this get back into the relation .. I really don’t think so. Even if that happends leaving the people on your side count the no of people your boy friend has to face on his side for such a decision.. while you didn’t have the energy to do all these in the right time … now I think it is too late to revert back …you will make your life miserable….. I am not talking abt your husband or your boy friend’s life .. u’r life …)
I dont want to hurt him again than I already have but I am done living a life of guilt and gratitude towards my husband.
(you have given him a highest shock a man can get in his life to your husband who loves you dearly .. I don’t say your deeds were wrong and you should have hidden it … though he would appreciate that you told him .. some where deep in his heart he could still wish and cry that it need not have happened. Put yourself in his shoes and see …. Why should he take all these .. for the only fact that he loved you … don’t you this is a great enough reason to be madly in love with him … you can be grateful if he has helped you with your education or career .. he has not helped you .. he is in love with you … )
I am aware all these issues would have been solved had I told these to my husband before the wedding which happened a year ago, but at that point I was too confused and guilty for having cheated on him and felt the safest thing to do was get married to him. I was also too scared to hurt him as he was away from home on work and had only come back for the marriage. Please advice
(Luckily you were confused and scared, this is the life that god has designated for you, live it to the fullest , making you and people around you happy)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you. My ex is currently unattached and was never in a relationship after me and is aware of my feelings towards him even now and advises me to forget the past for the reason that I am married now.
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A
female
reader, daisydaresyou  +, writes (28 February 2008):
You say you have been with this man for 6 years now but you suspect don't really love him. Do you think this can change and that the love will grow? If not, do you think you can live the rest of your life in this situation? If you can compromise, then stay. If you don't like that idea, then what is staying going to do other than postpone the day when you actually leave?
(Perhaps your husband deserves to be with someone who actually loves him and doesn't constantly think about being with an old flame.)
Your ex keeps saying you should forget the past. What does this tell you? You don't say if he is romantically attached to anyone else, but it doesn't sound like someone who is desperately in love with you either. Sorry to be blunt, but you make no mention of your ex still being interested in anything more than friendship.
It could be the case that you leave your husband and your ex won't want to rekindle the past either, so you could simply be alone. How do you feel about this situation? Are you happy to start from the beginning again?
Also, bear in mind that the relationship you had with your ex at college may not be the one you regain if you get back together. People change, situations change, needs and wants change as we grow up. Be careful to make sure you aren't looking back at your time together through rose-tinted spectacles. You split up with him once before, and while I don't know what those reasons were, they must have felt valid at the time.
It will take a great deal of measure and consideration to ensure you make the right decision here. It is by no means a small matter, whichever choice you make. Make sure it is the right one, for the sake of all parties involved. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 What you have to do is ask yourself how you would feel if you divorced your husband, only to discover that the previous b/f you've been obsessing about for the past 6 years does not want you and you must live alone on your own for awhile until you find someone new. If you feel strong enough to do this, and the idea of just being on your own for awhile is better than being in a loveless marriage, than I think you should talk to your husband, tell him what's going on and then file for divorce. It's important that you not leave your marriage, thinking that things are just going to magically work out between you and the old boyfriend. Whatever problems plagued you guys before, may still be there today and you'll be setting yourself up for a big disappointment if you think things are going to be different. But I do think you are doing yourself and your spouse a disservice by trying to stay married to someone you're not really in love with. You both deserve to be happy and to be loved. Really loved.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 If you really find that there is no love and no happiness in your marriage , your marriage becomes meaningless.There is no incentive to stay married.
You will have to decide to stay or leave.Only you can make that decision.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (28 February 2008):
 I can totally understand where you're coming from, it's all too easy to get caught up in the wave of marriage arrangements knowing deep within you that you don't want to go ahead with it. You think things will get better but they won't. You got married because you felt guilty and you didn't want to hurt him more so you assume getting married to him will "fix" things. It doesn't! No matter how good he is to you and how "nice" he seems, if there's no chemistry there then the kindest thing is to let him go and seek a relationship with a mate who WILL be able to give him what you can't.
It won't be easy telling him but it would be kinder and better for both of you. Life is too short to stay in a marriage when you know it's only a matter of time until you leave. Don't put yourself through this pain, the longer you put it off the harder it will be for you. Be sensitive about it when you tell him but TELL HIM nevertheless. In years to come you'll be glad you did... trust me on that one (I'm talking from experience).
~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy ex is currently unattached and was never in a relationship after me and is aware of my feelings towards him even now and advises me to forget the past for the reason that I am married now.
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